To stop visiting if my sister brings her dog

Children are not stalking horses or props for training dogs. This child has already been bitten.

The only love and support OP owes here - and it's a dereliction of her responsibility as a parent to do otherwise - is the protection of her children.

Dogs don't take priority here. OP is perfectly at liberty to refuse to have her children in the house with this dog. In fact, that is the only responsible course.

Some of the attitudes toward dogs these days are crackers. They are not human, and they do not take priority over human children.

OP's mother can do as she likes, and no one is questioning her right to do whatever she likes in her own home. OP can like it or lump it elsewhere as she chooses. IMO, her own first duty is to her children and the latter course is the most reasonable.

Your sister is bu she should have a cage plus the puppy would have its own space and why won’t your mum have one in the house temporarily? It’s good training, if they don’t get on top of it now they’ll have hell later on, I say that as a 60 year multiple dog owner

This - your children safety should come first. Your DSIS is bu calling your DS a wimp, he is a little boy who just got hurt.

Go but for two hours.

Yes when you get a puppy, you kind of need to accept you will be somewhat housebound for a while. You certainly don’t take one who isn’t toilet trained to other houses. It shouldn’t take more than a few weeks for a cross between a spaniel and a poodle surely?? The funeral thing is bonkers though. A dog sitter is a thing.

Babies are more important than dogs. I have 2 sons, the youngest has 2 daughters and the elder has a dog . When my sons and their families come home it is well understood that the dog has to behave himself with the children. The dog is very lively but from a puppy he has been extremely well trained and is now a delight to have around. Frankly I don’t understand your mother not being very clear with you both about the house rules in her house which if it were me would consist of having a crate where the puppy is left when he is tired, regular toiletting and outdoor walks. I would also be very unhappy at a puppy peeing all over my floors.
i love dogs but despise people who treat them as babies. They have to know their place.

In what way is she being unreasonable? Obviously she can't leave such young children on their own so the choice is not to come at all. Which she's made, but then they're giving her a hard time about it.

Re crate training - it really is a good idea. A friend of mine refused to use one. Consequently she wouldn’t go anywhere without it, to the extent that when her husband died, she was not going to go to the funeral as she couldn’t take the dog! To me that is totally absurd…and I’ve owned several dogs. Animals should 'never' come before babies and children!

Also I am a dog owner and all of this is ridiculous. A trained, predictable non-reactive dog around small children is manageable. A completely unrestricted puppy (who by the sounds of it is being set up for more serious behavioural problems) is just stupid.

I am not saying spending a day per week with grandparents is abnormal (although it is not the norm), I am saying the family dynamic is abnormal and unhealthy. Within that context, the need to all be together every Saturday and the sister having tantrums if they are only invited every other week may suggest a degree of enmeshment. But whatever.

What is clearly unhealthy:

• 30 something sister behaves like a child. Irresponsible, attention-seeking, selfish, unable to accept compromise, mood swings to control others.
• Mother enables this to an unreasonable degree. Even to the point where she can’t make a sensible compromise or decision about basic hygiene and child safety for fear of upsetting the sister. Possible co-dependency.
• Father checked out
• OP can’t determine whether this is normal or not

That’s what is wrong with this picture and why solutions that would apply to normal situations do not apply here. All the OP can do is set boundaries and perhaps engage a therapist if this leads to a large fallout she needs help with.

This - l would not have a untrained dog in my house it's totally unhygienic for the children, your DM and DSIS are totally unreasonable it's either the children or the dog, it's up to them to decide.

Actually I think 5 or 6 hours every week at your parents house is a lot anyway.

That was the minimum I saw both sides of my grandparents every week most of my childhood until my paternal grandparents died when I was 16.

Mum would drive us to her parents several times a week, have dinner there and then Dad would pick us up and drive us to his parents about five minutes down the street while mum went home and we would stay there for an hour or two and then head home. This was done 3-4 times a week routinely an we lived a 30 min drive from them.

I was still involved in Scouts, dance classes, after school clubs, spending time with friends, etc.

Don’t think it is that abnormal if you live relatively close to your parents.

YABU Leave your kids at home. Problem solved 👍🏻

I'll be honest, I thought you were being a bit petty, UNTIL, you mentioned the baby. As a father and a man, I take a "real world learning approach". A four year old can, for the most part, take care of themselves with a puppy...sorta. But a baby? Nope.

Stand your ground against the entire world if you have to. Tell your mother and everyone else that if that puppy shows up, you, and your children, won't.

Here's my truest opinions.

1. Your family comes first. No exceptions.
2. Your parents are human. They make mistakes. Let them. You do you and let them make their choices. Don't blame them, just adjust accordingly.
3. Your sister sucks. Seriously. She is choosing a puppy over common sense. She can crate the puppy for a few hours without any affects to the puppy. Again, she sucks.
4. Your mother sucks. Not in everything of course, but in this, she is being weak and trying to keep the peace. That's BS. She needs to act like an adult and tell your sister to keep that dog at home.
5. Do you really need people like this in your life? Seriously? Yeah, I get it, mom and sister. Remove yourself from their lives and let them decide what's important; you and your children or a damn dog.
6. Long list huh? 🤣 Find your peace. Around them and that damned puppy isn't where you'll find it.

As the OP said she doesn't understand why her sister got the dog in the first place

Training a dog is a big undertaking even for responsible, experienced people. And can also be expensive.

Some people just underestimate what is really involved.

I'm sorry to the health and safety of children come way ahead of pets anyday.

We went to my grandparents' house every Saturday when I was growing up. Like you, if there was a party or something else came up we just wouldn't go that week, no big deal. I enjoyed those days as a child, and as an adult I really treasure the memories of that time I got to spend with my grandparents and I'm so glad that was part of our weekly routine. I really hope your mum sees sense and accepts one of your very reasonable suggestions so your kids don't miss out.

Your idiot sister sounds like a nightmare, that poor dog.

Leaving a dog alone for more than 4 hours could lead to Animal cruelty charges

@rb124 that is such a wild escalation it’s ridiculous. Plenty of people leave their dog for more than 4 hours on the regular and, shock horror, everything is fine

If you RTFT you'll see the approximately eleventy billion times where this has been suggested, and the OP has said she'll suggest but clearly doesn't hold out much hope.

It’s up to your mum if the dog can go and it’s up to you if you don’t want to go. I wouldn’t have been very happy if the had bitten my son either really. Just say you’ll go and visit another time without the dog & when it’s trained it can go back to normal.

Can they keep the dog on a leash in the house? My mum & dad just got a puppy and that’s what we do around the DC. Gives the chance for the dog to get used to everyone and when he lies down calmly we’ll pet him & give him attention. When he’s pulling the leash, attempting to jump - he gets ignored or taken out the room for 5 mins and brought back in. They soon learn the best way to get positive attention.
it is lovely when young children and a puppy bond and you see them growing together

Leaving a dog alone for more than 4 hours could lead to Animal cruelty charges, so leaving it alone is not really an option.
Unfortunately, dogs, especially pups tend to find out what things are by taking it in their mouth and puppy's do tend to play rouge.
The alternate weekends idea sounds the best way forward until the dog is less exuberant and has learned proper toileting rules.

@carnivalqueenthethird it is absolutely bonkers to me that people are repeatedly suggesting compromises that your sister is totally unwilling to engage in.

@ParmaVioletTea the OP and her husband aren’t more important than her sister and fiance but her CHILDREN and therefore family unit are unequivocally more important than her sister’s bloody dog.

The dog can stay at home - it does every other day of the week apparently. The sister is unreasonable, the mum is being cruel. I expect the OP has always been the peacemaker in her family and now people are suddenly surprised she won’t roll over on something important - I recognise a lot of my DH in this. He takes the path of least resistance to keep people happy and then if he DARES to suggest he was upset by something he is accused of making a drama. When his brother and gf get to throw constant strops about anything they like.