To stop visiting if my sister brings her dog

Definitely not unreasonable but it reminds me of a story from a friend of mine. Very similar situation as her Dsis got a pup, couldn't/wouldn't train it but was expecting it to be brought everywhere. My friend decided to sneakily train it and brought little treats along to her parents and every time the dog was there (all the time as her Dsis treated the place like she never moved out), she'd say "sit" and when the dog listened, she gave him a treat. Completely quietly, not making a fuss but over a few months, my friend managed to get the dog listening, stay and being quiet.
The family couldn't work out why the dog only listened to my friend until she was "caught" with the treat bag. Dsis called it abuse and demanded an apology for 'being devious '.

In the current situation you have no choice but to avoid the house if the dog is there, because your sister has no intention of teaching the dog how to react with children and babies (dragging the baby by its sleepsuit ffs joke or not ridiculous thing to say)

however do you have any sensible friends with dogs who you could spend some time with them interacting your ds with the dog. He currently, quite rightly, hates them and is very fearful of them which will manifest into greater fear as he gets older and can be difficult to manage. One of my neighbours dd was petrified and it was getting to a point they could barely go out.

I have a new dgd, first one, my dog is so excited every time they come round, we spend a lot of time feeding treats, teaching be gentle. Then after a while she’ll go and get her bone and settle. She was very anxious when they were burping dgd as she thought they were hurting her. When dgd is more mobile or needs to sit on the floor we will progress the be gentle training, probably interspersed with time out for the dog. It’s definitely a 2 person job but absolutely essential and it sounds like your sister has no intention of doing any of this. My other daughters dog will not meet dgd for a long time as he is a terrorist inside our house, perfect outside, and will not even realise there is a baby in his flight path.

No, but that doesn't mean she has to visit.

This makes me so mad when people treat dogs like babies, it’s not fair on the dog or other people.

Your DSis also has her own issues but as she’s been parented this way she probably won’t change.

I don’t know the solution if a crate isn’t allowed but there’s no way I’d be allowing an untrained dog around my young children.

Not OPs problem. Her sister and parents and a number of posters are trying to make it so. Her only concern as should everyone else’s be the happiness and safety of her children nor accommodating others selfish needs. It’s a dog! No wonder the birth rate is falling in the western world. These children should be the only concern as should be supporting their mum not making her life difficult.

You sound lovely, they seem thick. I feel sorry for the dog. Glad we have cats. Smile, stop home and do what you like on a Sunday going forward. Let them have their respected hissy fits and put your kids first before they’re physically scarred. The comment about her wanting the puppy to drag your baby around says it all. Send her a few links about training. A few walks in the park and friendly chats with sensible dog owners and their pets pointing out the positives should help your son limit his fear to just this puppy. Good luck.

Belt that has a leash attachment- so it’s with them at all times.
Use toilet as time out area - zoomie brain they go in, calm they come out.
Some enrichment toys at your parents - that age brains get tired quicker then bodies. Slow feeder / frozen kongs / treat balls.

Honestly this time you need to out-tantrum your sister. You sound so enmeshed (not a criticism) and because of your sister’s habit of throwing a tantrum, she always gets her way. She may not even know she’s doing it, manipulation is her superpower within your family dynamic. It’s time for you to beat her at her own game.

Find your anger, you are the matriarch of your family now and you get to say who affects it. Clearly the only way they are going to listen is if you behave as your sister does, because logic isn’t getting you anywhere.

1. Tell your sister to train her dog, it is neither cute or funny to not give it boundaries. Leaving it alone for great swathes of the week then overwhelming it at the weekend is a selfish path which will result in a badly behaved dog.
2. Openly say that DSIS tantrums are not going to work this time, and going forward you aren’t going to respond to them. It’s about time your sister grew up.
3. if your mum won’t listen or tries putting it back on you then I’m afraid you need to behave how your sister would to get her to listen, whether that be flouncing, shouting, sulking, mocking. Shock her into listening. Then when calm explain to her how you are hurt and annoyed that she won’t take your part (probably because she’s scared of your sister). Give her the example of the Chelsea Flower Show and say that you all missed out because you knew it wasn’t worth even asking her. It might sink in.
4. Get your dad onside. He sounds more capable and he might be able to come up with a solution or back you up.
5. Honestly, this is the pinch point. If you don’t do something now this dynamic will continue until your parents are no longer with you.

Your children and their needs come first. Cant understand why this is difficult for people to understand. You shouldn’t need to accommodate the dog, your sister or your parents when visiting with kids that age. It’s absurd. Young children of those ages are the absolute priority for you and would normally be for grandparents and aunts. They should be trying to give you a relaxing couple of hours not a load of stress and trying to make compromises to accommodate their totally unreasonable needs. It’s a dog.

Yeah it's probably genetic.

Owner of a very well trained cockapoo and YANBU at all! Not aure if it’s been suggested but is keeping the dog on a lead in the house worth suggesting to try? If not, I would stay away until your mother realises she is missing out on time with GC and comes to her senses.

Dogs are not permitted at the Chelsea flower show in case you didn’t know!

Now you know your sister won’t go anywhere without her dog so it’s perfect timing to invite your mum to the flower show. Just ignore the fireworks. Not your circus not your monkeys ‘I’m taking my mum out for her birthday, this is a really normal thing to do.’

A crate would help. Safe space for Puppy, allowing you to put baby down and making sure 4 year old isn’t worried about puppy getting too jumpy.

It’s a lovely thing that you and your family do, so would be a shame to stop. There is definitely a solution that can help everyone. Good luck 🤗

The sister doesn’t seem able to get her head around any of this not rocket science stuff though?

So? She doesn’t have to take her children there. And that’s what she’s chosen to do- not take her children. It’s up to her parents what they do about it, but actions have consequences. I wouldn’t take my dc there either at those ages.

YANBU but you aren’t meant to walk a puppy for long, it damages their joints.
It’s also not your house or rules. You’ve made your feelings known loud and clear- there’s nothing else to say.
Either alternate weekends, don’t stay as long or switch days maybe.

Sounds a dire situation for the poor dog, but he/she should stop biting soon.

Kids trump dog. Sorry.

The children and puppy should be kept separate. I won’t have a dog jumping all over my young children either. They are kept separate or you go at different times. Your parents need to decide.

She can make the rules as to whether she goes there though, can't she? Which was the point of her post, if you try reading it again.

YABU - why all the drama and ultimatums? We have a cage for transporting the dogs, so when we go to friends with kids/cats them the dogs stay in the crate and we move it around the house so they are not left alone.

I'm not surprised your sister was upset, this stuff isn't rocket science.

Stick to your guns. Lack of house training is lack of effort on their part but all young puppies nip. It’s only for a short time, but no way i’d have let my dog run around with babies and young children when he was tiny and biting everyone. It’s madness to expect you to be ok with that. And expecting your children to play on the floor where the dog has weed or pooped is not ok.

You have a bigger issue here in that your parents have let your sister do as she pleases and now everything will kick off. There’s an easy solution of staggered visits until their dog is older. Don’t let them push you into continuing this as your children will get hurt. You can both visit but at different times for now. It is a lot spending 5-6hrs there every week, so every other is a reasonable solution for now. Your sister is going to have to find out that she can’t get her own way by throwing her toys out of the pram.

Cockapoo’s can be very clingy dogs and not ideal to be left for long periods (not all obviously, but I know a lot as I have one and many of friends cockapoo’s are very clingy) so seems ridiculous your sister got one. Bet any money your parents end up with the dog, which is not ideal if she is caring for your child one day a week and no stair gates. Guess she can come to your home to care for him, and your dad care for the dog, if it comes to that.

Maybe this has already been suggested and I missed it - but has no one heard of a leash?! Keep pooch on a short-ish lead when its around your kids - no cages/no staying at home etc. Everyone happy.

Don't discuss it with your Mom or sister. Don't try to accommodate them. Simply don't go over until the puppy is trained. You have the right to do that.

But she can choose whether she goes to that house or not. It’s not compulsory. There’s no way I’d go. YANBU OP.