Bf sleeps half they day and doesn’t help round house

There are a lot of hallmarks of an unhealthy relationship here. He "goes cold" when you try to adjust responsibilities so that they ARE fair to you, rather than listening to you and representing his point of view so you two can compromise on a mutually acceptable solutions. He thinks if he makes it miserable for you to stand up for yourself, you'll roll over and let him have his way at your expense. He turns on the TV when you're reasonably sleeping and you've told him it bothers you - if there's not another place in the house where the TV can go besides the bedroom, can he not quite easily use headphones? He thinks caring for your shared child is your responsibility alone. How does he think ANY of these attitudes and behaviours are OK?

I know people groan about this, but I think it's worth reframing and being/staying consciously aware: if you two live together, he is not "helping you" with household tasks and the work of keeping the household running; it is his responsibility as much as yours. Ditto childcare and parenting if you have children together. You may routinely do more than him by advanced mutual agreement - for example, if his job requires longer hours than yours, if he's working while going to school, if he has a super long commute and you WFH, etc. But ideally, whatever split you come up with will give you two roughly equal "free time".

It's possible that he has a much higher tolerance for mess, disorder, and even dirt than you do. That's manageable, just agree on the frequency of repeat tasks like vacuuming x room or cleaning the toilets. That may end up being a compromise - more often than he'd think to do it but less often than you'd ideally like, but keep things hygienic at the least. If he can't then pick up his share without being asked or nagged (his expecting you to tel him what to do is putting more work on you when it sounds like you already have a higher than equitable share as it is), the two of you could make some kind of "chore chart" showing who does what and when it needs to be completed. Then he does his part in a reasonable time frame (which can accommodate his sleeping late or wanting to relax after work, he just needs to plan ahead so all of his responsibilities get done) without having to be told again.

If he isn't willing to try this or agrees but doesn't follow through, I'd be looking for a convincing explanation of why he thinks his time is more important than yours. Spoiler Alert: it's not.

The question is why are your standards so low and why are you so desperate for any relationship, to remain in this one?

In other words, be a better mammy to him

He's not cooked properly. Now he has a mammy and he gets sex on top. Why would he change?

They don't get any better OP. You can choose to make your peace, live on seperate houses or end it. My ex is 53 and he's still the same little slovenly boy he always was.

The lone reason to have a boyfriend is for him to hugely enhance every aspect of your life and make everything easier and fun.

That's the whole point.

Dump the slob and enjoy life.

That’s not ‘loving’ behaviour. That’s being a selfish slob.

Get rid of him as he’s not a good role model for your son. You need to seriously up your standards and please don’t settle for another manchild.

This.

If you want it to work, you need (together) to come up with some solutions.

Be very specific in your requirements, not a general moan. Some people are blind to mess.

It shouldn't be on you to do all of this but as you appear to want to carry on the relationship:

• get him headphones for the TV
• allocate him set tasks on set days e.g can you hoover before work on Tuesday (assuming he starts late?)
• getting up later or wanting some downtime is reasonable if you work shifts but what time should he be getting up? Agree say 10.30am and stick to it. Set an alarm. If he ignores it then wake him up.

He should be able to enjoy watching TV after work without disturbing anyone but there are easy ways to achieve this.

He is selfish.
He is lazy.
He doesn't care about you.
He is only loving so you don't see what he really is.

A partner is supportive and adds to your life. You don't have a partner, you have someone sucking your life out of you. Get rid and then get some therapy to help with your self esteem.

Has he ever lived on his own or always with parents? If the latter and they’ve (his Mum probably) done everything he just won’t get it. Personally this would be a red flag to me.

Who does the house belong to?

Who does the son belong to?

This will determine your next steps.

I would get rid of the TV in the bedroom- totally disrespectful to turn it on in a room where you are sleeping.

If he won’t share household chores , kick him out.

This is all that needs to be said.

Why, why oh why would you put up with this. Ditch the manchild - you deserve better!

Why are you asking for help? Clearing up and doing chores is not your responsibility. Another adult is responsible for half of all the jobs. Anyone not seeing this isn’t worth bothering with.

You also need a rethink about the ‘help’ mindset.

If you want to stay with him, write a chore rota. Split the tasks fairly. You shouldn't have to do that, but it could just set out who does what clearly.

I'd also be honest about your expectations. Are you naturally tidier than he is? You need to meet each other in the middle. Don't say anything if the job he does isn't up to your standard. Done is better than perfect.

Tell him the tv has to go off when you are asleep. That's just thoughtless. He can find some other way to unwind if there's no other tv.

End the relationship. You're his mum, not his partner. He's lazy, he selfish and he's weaponising incompetence. He needs to be an adult who is able to see and do the basics required to live without a list or someone instructing him. Do you need a list to wash the dishes or clean the bathroom? This doesn't get better.

13 year relationship. We moved in together and he decided to change his shifts a few years in, to a night shift. His choice, he decided he wanted the money. Over a year, I asked multiple times to go back to normal shift. He slept all day, woke up to eat then went back to bed. All weekend he would be in bed, come downstairs, sleep on the sofa. I was alone all the time. I had to clean all the house, barring the bedroom because I couldnt get in there. Plans were cancelled because he just slept. I gave up asking for anything.

Im now single. Best thing that ever happened to me. My house is cleaner, because I dont begrudge doing it. I was alone before so makes no difference now. Im not pissed off all the time. Im not saying its easy financially, but emotionally im a lot better off.

Bin him, it's not going to improve

You have unfortunately chosen a complete loser to procreate with.
no, op, he isn’t loving. As others have said, what does ‘loving’ mean to you? Because you’ve described this guy as being selfish, thoughtless, lazy and sexist.
and also, no, op, you are not ‘nagging’. His laziness has resulted in your despair. I think if any bloke dared do fuck all, then say I’m nagging if I raised his awfulness, he’d be out on his ear. Not that I’d be with someone like this in the first place.
just ltb op, he’s awful and it’s a terrible example for your son.

You are living with a manchild who doesn't give a luck about you.

End it. Good luck

It will never change. He's a selfish man child who wants a mother to look after him. Dump him now.

Whose son are we talking about here?

I would have binned this idiot ages ago.

He's a selfish dickhead who brings nothing and it won't improve

get rid of him now before he destroys your self esteem and spirit

but he says I need to tell him what to do

Who tells you?! This boils my piss when the unhelpful partner changes the narrative like this.

You have got yourself a manchild here.
look up weaponised incompetence

Get rid.