To ask how you would start a new life?

You’re writing a lot about people and how central they are to lives - family, close friends etc.

So, I’m wondering whether you have explored the idea of moving closer to your people, or whether you have just discounted that as impossible.

You mentioned earlier in the thread that your close friend is in Dubai. Could that be an option? Possibly for an initial year to try it out?

Where do your parents live? Do you like the country? If so that could be an option and they might be glad to have a family tie closer as long as you are still building your own life.

In terms of family do you have anyone that you’re less close to but are still family - cousins etc? If so where do they live? Is it somewhere that you would enjoy? Moving closer might well deepen the connection.

The other option which I think is worth considering is areas where communities are more important. Where people would definitely check on you if you weren’t at a class or a meetup or something.

I like the idea of Devon or Cornwall - I think it would be hard to make friends in the summer when there are lots of tourists but come winter when there is a more stable population then you would be part of it.

Id also think about some of the Scottish island communities. Many are trying to grow their population and are actively recruiting for new families. I think if you had a job which was fundamental to the island - working in the pub or restaurant, library, teaching etc that would work well for building community.

I also like the idea of some sort of joint enterprise with your daughter to build that feeling of family. Would she get involved in a renovation or a project?

Would you find a group like this helpful? https://www.autisticparentsuk.org/#:~:text=Autistic%20Parents%20UK%20CIO%20was,Autistic%20parents%20and%20their%20families. From what you've said you'd like to build connections but don't really know how to go about it. It may be helpful to find out from other parents with autism what works for them

@Notsowiseoldowl I didn't mean any of what I said as a criticism, apologies if it sounded that way! I guess I was just giving feedback about your line of thinking... that (to me) it sounds like some of your ideas are lovely daydreams, but may not be suitable in reality. Which is why i thought narrowing down your choices might be a helpful starting point. But all good, you do what works for you ☺️.
I hope you find somewhere awesome for you and your daughter!

Alll those pictures saying move to Canada, France, Norway etc - do you realise you can’t just do that without a VISA!!!!! Which would be impossible to get.

echoing a pp in saying you write beautifully.

I’m not in your position but I can relate to a lot of what you are saying. We are new to online schooling this year and it is better for my DC on the whole. The social side needs fixing but I guess that’s part of what you are looking for. I’m not in a position to move but I do frequently ponder where I’d go and why - and I know what you mean. I know I need pillars to build a life around but I have literally no idea what they would be.

@RueLepic I’m curious as to where you live - you’ve sold it well!

I would move to the west coast of Scotland and get a place that’s big enough to live in with your DD long term and which already has/ could have holiday let potential.

Reasons are:

• it’s beautiful and for me being close to the sea helps my mental health;
• lots of sunlight;
• you can get a good property for £250k;
• I have found the communities very welcoming in their own way- because there are fewer people there is often more of an impetus to join in/ do things together;
• you’d have a business which your DD could consider running if necessary and enough space for her to be independent;
• Depending where you are you can be in Glasgow in a couple of hours, by the sea or in the mountains skiing!
• I rate Scotland as a country, I think its progressive and well equippped to deal with climate change etc as loads of natural resources, not too many people. It’s even bearable in the tourist season (unlike Cornwall etc).

I would definitely try to get a job but something low key like working in a shop or a cafe, or even in a school if you’ve been on the PTA, but ideally low stress and no take home work.

I would move to the Scottish highlands, not too rural but like arisaig or somewhere with a fab scenery things to do. I would open a bnb just a little one that would pay some bills, and then live the rest of my days with loads of cats and a log fire.

College tends to be 3 days a week. My DD has found it so much better than high-school. Small classes. She goes in on Mondays, Tuesdays and Thursdays. That Wednesday break has been amazing for her to recalibrate before people-ing again.

Gosh OP, you sound all over the shop.
You are asking for a world of very open ideas, but in fact the more you post, the more stipulations you have.

Maybe you need to work backwards, and with your daughter. So rule out places/lifestyles, and see what's left. You need to consider what your daughter will do for work too; unless you're happy to move again in a few years if needed.

Disclaimer- I'm not in the UK. And i don't know what kind of area you are in now. But I'm thinking the opposite of what most people think of for a 'big life change'... what about busy city living? It seems you are really really keen to build friendships, and with your autism, I'm wondering if a like-minded community would fit you better? Which you are much more likely to find groups of welcoming, quirky people, in the city. Your daughter would possibly also find a group of like-minded people, if she wants to.

Gosh OP I would love to have a conversation with you. Lone parent for 15 years here, AuDHD DD16 and made the decision years ago (after living and working in the Middle East) to live in a small market town in Oxfordshire.

My Dd needed small class sizes (still does) as she finds the noise of large classrooms etc exhausting but she is quite independent. So picked this small place in the countryside which is a 25 min bus into Oxford. Best of both worlds for both of us as she matures and starts to be more self determined.

I need a lot of peace as also ND with a heavy career so decompressing is super important.

No one can prescribe what to do. It took me many visits and research to decide.

Some sort of central pillars to build a life around. I also feel hopeless - not despairing or down. I'm quite hopeful and optimistic, and generally happier than most in a superficial day to day way. But I don't know WHAT to hope for. How do I plan a life that has depth and value that doesn't depend on potential people? I have....no idea!

OP - I get what you're saying - you articulate it so beautifully. Despite a long, contented marriage and a good relationship with my adult daughter, I too have spaces to fill especially with retirement on the horizon.

Do you think that most people fill their lives with casual interactions rather than deep meaningful connections? So casually chatting with a word colleague, impropmtu exchanges with fellow dog walkers, a bit of a laugh with people at Pilates, sharing thoughts at book club ... then home to make the tea, tidy the kitchen, watch TV and let the dog out before bed?

A quotidian life is the norm not the exception. Hence I mentioned building a life focusing on nature, art, music, literature so you create a hinterland which isn't dependent on external sources. You still need social connections, of course, but you take what people have to offer and don't expect complete fulfilment from them.

I understand that.
Can you pinpoint what makes you feel happiest?
And then what makes your daughter feel happiest?

And draw conclusions from that.

It sounds simple and I'm very aware it isn't. There is an expression that home is where the people you want to be with, are. Unless you are in a big family and stuck close to where you grew up, or have a history in an area and even then many face lonliness.
Being in an environment that makes you feel at peace will benefit you mentally but that sense of belonging can often only be felt when you 'fit in' and feel you are with your people It isn't easy to find that. Its probably why so many of us dream of escaping to a new place, a different climate, a different lifestyle. We probably won't fill the void but we will be superficially happier for longer. And for many that is better than the alternative.

Are you happy in life OP? When was the last time you felt content?
I know somebody IRL who has a very similar story to yours. I don't think inner peace and fulfiilment comes from where you are but it is very important that you like where you live. By that I mean, that it is has the amenities that you are looking for whether thats proximity to nature to a city.
I often think that the person I know would have more of a sense of purpose if she got a regular job and if her teen went to school. There are reasons the teen doesn't attend school, and its easy for me to say she would be better off if she did go. I wonder though what will become of the teen as she gets older. On a practical basis, how will she support herself enough to be in a position to have options. From the outside looking in, I believe she should be working towards exams and would benefit from being in groups with kids her own age. Her mum is always searching for something and has never quite found it.

I would go somewhere in the maritimes in Canada. St John’s, Newfoundland. somewhere in Prince Edward Island or Nova Scotia. Cliff / beach walking, whale and puffin watching, slow pace of life, great food, friendly people! And your money would go further!

Move abroad ..

I think your question is too big to answer. Like “what is the meaning of life?”

Meaning is found within what has been, I don’t think you can create it. You can only choose what to do with the next few years ahead and adjust accordingly as and when you feel you’re not moving in the right direction, whatever that may be.

You sound very interesting, in a good way. Have you considered writing a book or a blog? You make me think of Penelope Trunk, an autistic woman whose blog I have read for many years.

My point was that you have a tie. You have a family.