Would you go on this hen do?

Not a big ask to take up four days of annual leave, flight accommodation and spending costs, plus family time if you feel that way which it seems the OP does? Okay.

What harried, busy mother of small children wouldn't want a four-day break in a Spanish resort?

Me? Can't think of anything I'd like less...love travel but a hen in a resort, no thanks. It's not like it's free, if she wanted to go to a resort she could go to one. You talk like the bride is doing her some kind of favour.
A mother of small children may be busy but I don't see why she must be harried. I would have happily left my 4 year old for one or two nights but not four, it would have made me sad. Don't really care what people think about that.

In the minority on this thread but I like my friends and would love to go so where sunny with them for a few days childfree.

But if you don’t want to go, just say so using one of the responses above.

No way I would have left my 4 year old who isn't used to it for 4 nights for a hen do. Would have had to seriously think about it even for stuff I desperately wanted to do.

@TappyGilmore it's not ridiculous, don't be so judgey and unpleasant. Why should she want to do this? If she doesn't she doesn't.

I doubt that you will be only one on the hen party guest list that feels that way.
Given the present economic climate, summer hotel rates, summer flights, and of course added spending money when you’re there it’s going to be quite a costly trip………I know I wouldn’t be able to afford it.

Be open and honest with your friend and explain your own circumstances perhaps suggesting to organise a separate event back in the UK for an evening hen do that you can afford and would feel comfortable with around childcare.

A true friend would value your honesty. If she berates you then she’s not a genuine friend and not worth the bother.

I think it’s quite easy these days to get sucked into thinking a hen do abroad is a normal thing. My single friends were all pushing for it.
It was only having read many similar threads to yours Op I looked at my other friends. Clearly most did NOT want a big do. So I had a brilliant huge hen do in the pub as everyone showed up.

Could you say theres no way as you are saving for Disney or something and that you’d organise a night out here to compensate? She gets two hens and can’t really complain you are letting her down.

Personally no, I wouldn't. I don't do hen do's at the best of times. I even avoid day ones let alone 4 days!! That and the expense so no from me.

She’s probably not single if she’s having a hen do.

It doesn’t matter what I would do. If I didn’t want to go, I wouldn’t go. You don’t want to go, ergo don’t be a people pleaser and just don’t go.

though FWIW I think it’s fine to not want to leave your kid for that long. I wouldn’t.

No need for guilt. It's misplaced.

You've been invited. You're free to say yes or no. If the bride is an adult, she should be able to understand this.

A big ask? If I had to guess, she is probably thinking you will LOVE the relaxing break from your hectic family life and welcome the chance for some time hanging out with the girls, having fun and not worrying about little ones. I doubt it has crossed her mind that you agree through gritted teeth and don't really want to go. So when you tell her you don't want to go, and explain your reasons, she'll find them hard to believe. What harried, busy mother of small children wouldn't want a four-day break in a Spanish resort? She will take it personally.

Will she be in the right to do so? Obviously not, but we all know what human nature is like. You can tell her you're not going, and risk the friendship ending, or you can go, and do your best to enjoy it. The worse compromise would be to go but feel resentful the whole time. That won't help anybody.

OP, do what you wish to do. Inevitably, we just can't be available for everything all the time, especially with kids, and this is a hen do, not even the actual wedding.

It wouldn't be kind of her to react badly when she is asking a lot from everyone.

4 days for a hen party is a joke. I’d be sick of the sight of them by then

Your friend can organise any hen she wants. Lots of women would be excited about a fun break in the sun with friends but its ok if you aren't for whatever reason. Noone is the wrong one in this scenario, you can decline with the reasons that are valid to you.

YABU for getting worked up about going when you clearly don't want to go.

Just don't go. If the bride is a friend she will understand. If she throws her toys out the pram it's not your fault and it's not your problem. She made a decision to have an expensive overseas hen do. She doesn't respect you not care about you if she acts like that.

Don't be emotionally blackmailed. It's not a healthy friendship if that's the only reason for your attendance.

You may enjoy it. 15yrs ago we went to Spain for a friend hen, but only needed 1.5 days off as arrived thursday 5pm ish, and I was home Sunday night ready for work. DD was 2, and DS5. It wasn’t the first time i’d left them for a break, also went to Spain for 3 days with my best friend the year before. The hen was the best 3 nights i’ve had in years.

That said, if you don’t want to go, then just say you can’t get the time off as others have suggested. That’s the easiest answer as she can’t be personally annoyed at you then.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to not want to go, but if I were you my reasons for not going would be the cost and the use of annual leave. It is simply not a good use of family resources. But I think it’s a bit ridiculous to decline on the basis of not wanting to leave a four year old with her dad.

I voted you're being unreasonable because you don't want to go, which is completely reasonable. However, you don't need to shame her reasons for wanting the hen party that is planned. Cut the time, money, away from kids etc...you don't want to go...so dont...simple. Any guilt you feel, shouldn't be transferred to her choice of a hen party, regardless of the choices you made for yours. In saying that, if she didn't go to yours, then, she is VERY unreasonable.

In my day a hen was a night out in a pub or cocktail bar. I would stick hot pins in my eyeballs rather than go one one of these trips, even if I had the money. But each to his own I suppose. The annual leave excuse is perfect and no one can argue with it. Ive used this several times in the past to get out of an undesirable event. Being busy in work covers you for the entire summer just in case they offer alternative dates. I would offer the suggestion of a meal or cocktail evening for those who also cannot attent the hen.

I wouldn't because it is too hot.

I’d tell her that, for practical reasons (child care and annual leave etc) you won’t be able to go, but you will of course join her if she has a hen night at home.

For a day or evening event i would agree needing to take annual leave no chance would I expect this of anyone else

I would happily leave a 4yo with my dh for that long, but id also comfortably decline 4 days in Spain if it didn’t work to attend, especially financially.

Time with your kids is precious any way you look at it. I think a good friend understands family comes first with you and your vacation time is reserved for that first. Just be honest about that. Really, if your friend can't accept that 4 days (and out of country) is a lot to expect she's not much of a friend and is rather self-centred.

eta I'd also not begrudge someone who was okay with it. It's personal.

It's defo a bit excessive, but it's not Las Vegas and it's for a small group of close friends. I'd say it's not unreasonable to say no, but I'd probs try and go if I could. I'm spending a long weekend in Portugal for a close friend's 50th next month, although it's a bit different because her parents have a holiday home there which we're staying at, so it's going to be pretty cheap.

Either way, I think not wanting to leave a four year old is a bit extreme if I'm being completely honest. At some point you'll have to.

I think you should go. She’s obviously a close friend and you might find you have a fab time. You can FaceTime home as often as you want then head out to the bars or whatever you want to do.
It sounds like it’s been at least 4 years since you’ve had a child free holiday.