Would you go on this hen do?

Yes probably, I can afford it and ds loves time with daddy. If you don't want to, don't.

Would I go on the hen do? Dead easy question for me - the answer is NO. No way. Never.

I agree with previous posters, my best friend in the whole world is getting married abroad and not Europe, I’ve told her I can’t go, due to annual leave and cost etc, she’s been completely understanding, not one bit offended. It doesn’t matter what your reasons are for not going, she should accept it without having an issue. That’s how a close friend should react.

No i wouldnt go. I wouldnt leave my son for 2 nights, and he’s almost 7. I also use up all my annual leave for school holidays so nope!

You’re not letting her down. She’s putting on an expectation onto you that you can’t meet. It’s actually slightly selfish of her to assume that people can take four days off work and pay hundreds of pounds to support her hen party.

You won’t be the only one considering the cost.

Just say you cant afford it/ cant get time off/ childcare issues. Destination hen dos and weddings are the height of self absorption imho. Brides who want them always seem to be bridezillas.

Honestly no is a full sentence. Does she have children? If she doesn’t she’s never going to understand ( been in this situation with a ‘friend’ and she fell out with me over not leaving my breast fed 8 month old.
4 nights abroad is a big deal

Her father can provide these things. I'm not saying her daughter wouldn't be affected, but she would ultimately be fine.

They wouldn't.

If I went away for 4 days, DD would be absolutely fine. Because I would be coming back

If I dropped dead tomorrow she would be without her mother forever. The trauma of that would live with her forever.

What a completely stupid and insensitive comment.

A lot of suggestions like this, but OP doesn’t want to go, and the flights will be expensive either way. If she doesn’t fancy it, she shouldn’t go.

Could you go for 2 days of it - an overnight - instead of 4?

Yes, its a lot to ask and if you are not ready to leave your child and DH for 4 days yet, you shouldn’t feel pressured into doing so. My kids were at secondary school before I felt okay to go away for a night and at 6thform by the time I went off for a week.

I know you fear offending her, but if not going materially changes the nature of your relationship then (and I am sorry if this sounds trite) but she isn’t really a good friend. A good friend would have couched the invite as ‘I know you have young children and may not be ready or able to get away, so will completely understand if that’s the case, but I wanted you to to know you are invited’.

One day she may have kids and get it. That you have to fib to be diplomatic (which I would probably do too) does show that your friendship is not really what you hope, doesn’t it? Decline using whatever excuse you need to, but don’t beat yourself up about it.

Marriage and parenthood is about choosing your partner and children over everyone else, and about prioritising yourself and your family over your friends.

Could you just go for a couple of nights, not the whole thing?

Totally agree. It’s time you did spend sometime away from her. Let her dad look after her, go away and have a good time. You can’t make your DD the centre of your life.

Life’s too short to do something you don’t want to do, any decent friend would recognise you have a small child/would need to take leave etc, if you already know you’ll be dreading it just tell her straight now. Ok

She is entitled to have hen do she wants and of course she should invite you. It would have been hurtful if she didnt. She is also allowed to feel disappointed when people cant make it. However you have done nothing wrong, neither has bride.

If bride causes a fall our over it, that is wrong and her issue. Dont go just to avoid that.

What a stupid thing to say. Of course they wouldn’t. Ever heard of love, connection, trauma?! Are you a robot?

Spoiler: If you dropped dead tomorrow, your kids would be absolutely fine. It's 4 days. Just go and enjoy yourself.

The best and correct way to manage this sort of high-stakes expectation is to treat it like any other invitation and simply decline….very respectfully of course.
No drama, no tears, no guilt, no regrets, just make the decision, let her know and move straight on.
Tell her you have spoken to your DH and family and boss about it and can’t make it work but you all wish her a fabulous hen do.

If the bride has any gumption at all, that reasoning should be good enough for her to graciously accept, but if she is ill-mannered enough not to instinctively understand your dilemma about it all -and question you, then you tell the truth.
‘I’m really sorry if you feel I’m letting you down but we have budget and time off work restrictions, and also a family to consider, and after a lot of very serious consideration, I found it just wasn’t possible. Its disappointing all round but I just have to accept that and hope you can too.’

Try to ignore the guilt OP. If it affects the friendship, then sadly, that’s on her ego.
In a few years time she will probably understand perfectly well and feel really bad about it.

Self indulgent crap. Who do people think they are dictating how others should spend their time and money, and then moaning when they don’t comply?
Just say ‘ Sorry but I don’t want to use my annual leave for this trip, it’s too expensive and I don’t want to leave my 4 year old.’ If she doesn’t like it, tough.

Why not go for two out of the four nights? When DC1 was 2 I joined a holiday with friends for two nights abroad (they were staying longer) and genuinely loved it. I think it is important that you are able to leave DD with her dad and trust that he will look after her (unless you have some concerns that aren’t mentioned).

"I'm really sorry Bride to Be but <I can't get the annual leave><DH can't get the time off he'd need to cover all the kids stuff><we haven't got the budget to cover this right now>. I'll take you for a few drinks before the wedding separately".

Insert one of those reasons because they're all valid reasons to not take a trip away. You don't need to go into the fact you don't feel like you're ready to leave DD or any of that. Annual leave is prescious, money is tight for everyone.

Just say no. These bloody hen and stag dos abroad (or even in other UK towns) have got completely out of hand as far as expecting people to spend loads of their own money and holiday time to benefit the bride or groom, especially nowadays when money is tight for a lot of people.

In my day a hen do was a good local evening out, usually a nice meal followed by a club or a couple of bars, people got tipsy rather than shit-faced, and at least one bridesmaid stayed sober to make sure everyone got safely home.

You could much better spend that time and money on a lovely family holiday or days out, rather than worrying constantly about your daughter and home, and then because you're the "responsible type", nursemaiding a gaggle of stupid drunken women falling off their platform shoes on to the nearest horny waiter, or eating some dodgy calamari and throwing up for 24 hours.

How about telling her you really can't afford it and you don't want to leave your daughter, and suggest some of you just go for a meal out somewhere. A real friend wouldn't be pissed off with you at that.