Would you go on this hen do?

Maybe not for you, but for me it's a thing I'd hate.

That's my point, you can't possibly think that the way you feel about something is how EVERYONE must feel about it?

I've looked through the OP's posts and heavy drinking and partying hasn't been mentioned. These aren't people the OP partially knows, they are her friends. Although I get that room sharing isn't for everyone, it's hardly hell.

Just seen the accommodation update. It would be a no from me.

No I wouldn’t go. I wouldn’t want to waste annual leave that I could do something with my family, equally I’d rather use the money to make memories with my little girl. If it was somewhere in the uk I wouldn’t possibly go for 1-2 nights max but even doubt that. I wouldn’t want to leave my dd but at least in the uk would be able to get to her if she needed me. My friends all go away a lot and really enjoy the break from family life but they totally understand that I don’t feel the same way and respect it. If she doesn’t understand your reasoning then is she a good friend.

YANBU. I have no patience for long expensive hen dos. Why someone thinks that just because they are getting married they need to be the centre of everyone’s attention for months on end is utterly beyond me.

Say no. Do what YOU want to do. If anyone's annoyed... LET THEM 🤷‍♀️

That means it's entirely comparable to 4 nights away, does it?

Grow up.

I think honestly it comes down to if you really want to attend if you took a 4 year old and annoyance at it being abroad out of the equation.
I wouldn’t go because Spain on the summer sounds horrible to me, I hate heat for a start…
If I could afford it and loved a sunny holiday then I would go, your 4 year old would be fine with their Dad assuming there is no back story.
If you don’t want to go, then just say so in whichever way feels most appropriate. My closest friends know it would be my idea of hell so wouldn’t expect me to go.
If the bride is a good friend then she’ll understand and if she doesn’t then maybe shes not as close a friend as you think she is.

Can you afford it?
Do you want to go?
If the answer to both is yes then go.
If the answer to either is no don't go.

Losing a parent is traumatic at any age, but we all manage somehow.

I was in a similar position, went to a hen abroad at huge personal expense when my daughter was four…and I loved it!

I felt awful at first being away but at least half the other hens had kid so I was not alone in feeling like that. Some flew back early the evening before, you could ask when the main event is and either arrive later or leave earlier.

I missed my daughter but had so much fun, I felt it reset me. She was super clingy afterwards but it was such a good break

I wouldn’t want to go either, before or after children. Post children I can certainly see the appeal of escaping and the bit I’d probably like most is a nice quiet comfortable bedroom where I could have a few lie ins. Shared room?! Bunk beds?!! Absolutely not, no thank you!

I personally don’t see it being a huge issue leaving a 4 year old either with their dad or with grandparents who the child is used to spending time with (if the parents wanted a break)

However sleeping in bunk beds would be a hell no and if money was tight then no I wouldn’t be doing this anyway but I would be polite and suggest taking her out for dinner or something else

Im going to Budapest for a hen do early summer. Honestly I can’t wait for a few days with my friends?

Yes I will miss the kids but I also think it’s good for them to understand that’s sometimes sometimes mummy gets to do something for herself. It’s not like it’s every weekend.

If it’s not your thing, fine. It’s a simple as that.

But I think it’s a bit mean spirited to look down on anyone that wants to go away with their friends and would like to spend time with you.

Just say you can’t afford it. Job done.

You can’t control hens feelings or reactions.

Don't tell her you can’t leave your 4 year old! That does sound a bit wet.

If you really can’t bear the thought of it then make up something about annual leave.

I’ve been married nearly 30 years and had a long weekend away for my hen do … it’s not a new thing.

I went abroad for a friends birthday when my twins were 3, they had a great time with their dad … he was always far more chilled about meals and bedtimes.

Well yanbu to not go but personally I'd do it. Sounds like a lovely trip. Your dd will be fine with her dad.

I recently went on a 50th birthday trip to Spain. We had so much fun. Great to have an excuse to get away.

If you can afford it you should consider it.

Unless there's a back story and the hen is not thst important to you. I think people fall out over this stuff if one party is insisting on spending someone's money and also if it becomes apparent where friendship priorities lie.

Also, if the hen is expecting you to pay for her, then it would be reasonable to say no.

If the only way a childless unmarried woman can see the situation is "every woman WOULD LOVE four days of heavy drinking and partying with people they only partially know" then she hasn't ever been exposed to people different to herself.

Even pre marriage and children that would have been my idea of hell.

Family life can be full on and hectic, which is why a lot of women are really happy when the chance of a three/four day break is offered, with their friends. It's ridiculous to be annoyed that other people want to do this.
I can remember going on, abroad hen do's, in the 1990s, it isn't a Instagram thing, as suggested. It's a women having their own money and not being shamed for wanting something for themselves thing. You are going to head towards peri menopause, you haven't had a night away in four years. Just make sure your world isn't getting unnecessarily small.

I’d go to it personally (in fact I’d jump at it), but would understand why someone wouldn’t because of the cost / time commitment. As long as the bride understands not everyone will be able to make it that’s fine; doesn’t seem to be the case here.

I wouldn't go. I know hen/stag dos abroad have become common now but I still think it's too much. Like you say, the expense and the precious annual leave in order to attend is a big ask. The fact that many have jumped on the bandwagon doesn't alter the fact that it's money I don't want to spend and holiday I don't want to use up.

I'd have been fine leaving my four year old with his dad though.

I suspect your 4 year old will be fine with his dad. However, the hen do sounds a nightmare anyway, so just tell you friend you can't get the time off work.

Well of course she wants the people she invited to be there. Otherwise they would not have been invited.

I'm trying to get into the mindset of the childless/childfree bride to be, and imagine how she might see the situation.

Just say you cannot get the time off, don't be moaning about being away from your child or the accommodation. Keep it neutral or she may go bridezilla on you
Arrange a little UK evening out, meal and drinks/bottomless brunch or something

But you should try and go away and leave 4 year old for a night or two, I understand it's hard but it is good for you both. Even if you do a little uk night out with friends you could book a hotel and get some rest and relax time. Or a spa break with a close friend etc