Would you go on this hen do?

The sooner you pull out, the better. You won’t be the only one.

it sounds ridiculous to me and it will be expensive.

4 nights as the first time for your child away from you is too much

Hen do? No, hen don't!

Sounds like a thoroughly unappealing waste of money. I hope you're able to back out gracefully.

The bride can do what she wants to expect other people and then get upset if they no is wrong

If I genuinely thought it would be good fun and the positives outweigh the negatives then yes. Otherwise no, which would be most likely. If I was going to spend a load of money and time on a trip with friends I would rather it was something we all chose together and not a hen do.

The fact that you think your friend would take big offence and potentially cause drama if you declined would make me question whether I would enjoy it. She doesn’t sound like someone I would look forward to spending that much time with…

What harried, busy mother of small children wouldn't want a four-day break in a Spanish resort?

Er.. me. have you been to a hen do? they are cringey AF. Everyone gets completely trashed, often to the point of being tired and emotional, there is always bad karaoke, and everyone has a horrific hangover the next day (so much for "enjoying Spain"). I live in a town where people have hen do's every Sat night, they are excruciating. I can't think of anything less appealing personally.

Just saw its in bunk beds in a hostel LOL- even bloody worse. Hard no.

I've left DD (who is now 4) for work things and such with her dad and he copes absolutely fine. Dad's can be capable. I know many Mumsnetters seem to be married to incompetent man children but let's assume that dad's can take care of kids until the OP tells us he's useless.

However I'm a big advocate for if you don't want to leave your children for that long then you don't have to for things like this. It's entirely within OPs gift to choose to stay home and it won't detriment anyone.

Because I occasionally have to go away for work, I only go away overnight without my family for anything optional if I actually want to do it. Anything else is a nope, and I won't be made to feel bad about that.

So because you’ve chosen to never leave your child for 4 years, the bride should just do something that suits you and not her?!?!

She might be upset but that's on her not you. So many peeps want fancy expensive do's that we can't always afford / nor want to attend.
The hen dos on MN often sound like my idea of hell tbh. I wouldn't go if I was you. If she is a real friend she'll be upset but needs to get over it in the long term.
Meet up for lunch or a dinner at later date. If she doesn't want to do that and she drops you then again that's not your problem.

I’d absolutely go, and have a great time. I’ve been on a girls trip every year since my kids were over 1 and stopped breastfeeding. A few days rest abroad is amazing and my husband does the same with his friends.

I disagree. Four days in the attention span of a four year old is an eternity. She is likely going to be crying at nights, where's mom, where's mom... And God know how her father will cope with the challenge.

100% too long to be away from your daughter. I know what it is like when you are with your children all the time. Do not allow anyone to make you feel bad for that in any way.

I have left my toddlers to go abroad and it's been fine but it really isn't about that. You don't want to go; you don't want to use your annual leave that you probably save for your family and you don't want to share bunk beds and pay for the privilege. I would politely decline and hope she comes round.

I got as far as “Abroad for 4 night”, stopped reading and clicked YANBU. Fuck that. People are so entitled these days when it comes to other people’s time and money.

Sounds like fun! I'd jump at the chance of an adults only weekend away! My kids are 3 and 5 and have been with their dad for over a week recently when I had to travel for a family emergency.

If your daughter is 4 she will be fine with dad for a few days.
You could always just do 2 nights.

If the reason really is that you wont have enough annual leave or it's too expensive then fair enough.

If she's a close friend, how have you reached the stage of a firm plan without her knowing your thoughts? Too late now, but for future reference, any ideas you dont fancy that include you, need nipping in the bud very early on if you don't want this sort of dilemma. The minute the idea of the abroad hen was floated would have been the time to say its not for you.
You can say now what you've said here (apart from being annoyed to be invited!) but it will probably annoy her at this stage. Unfortunately you're going to have to risk that or tolerate it for four days.

Could you go for 2 nights if over a weekend? With kids in school I never have annual leave for things like this so I sympathise. I often dread occasions of ‘forced fun’ like this, but find I enjoy them once I’m there, but 2 nights would be plenty for me. Plus it might cut your costs a bit too.

I feel somewhat aggrieved at being put in this position as I know the bride will be royally hacked off if I don’t go (she is a close friend and it’s a small, intimate hen party so any absences will be noticed).

The bride can have whatever hen do she wants, but has to be grown up enough to know that if she makes it inaccessible and unaffordable to her hens, then she will have to accept some invitation declines. She can't be that good a friend if she doesn't accept your dilemma (cost, time away from your child, having to make childcare arrangements for all those days you're away).

It would be a no from me.

Is there really a timeframe for when someone should feel comfortable about leaving their child? Who sets it?

If that’s the kind of hen do your friend wants, that’s great for her but I suspect you won’t be the only friend of hers who doesn’t want to use their A/L or leave their kids and spend all that money on it. I’d politely decline and wouldn’t feel guilty either

You are not unreasonable re cost etc, but really by the age of four you should be perfectly comfortable leaving your child alone with his father for a couple of days, and indeed it should do you good to get a short break from the routine of being a mother and just be able to switch off and relax.

She’s not entitled to your time or money or to be annoyed or upset if you decline to give them to her. I wouldn’t go either, it sounds crap.

If the bride feels guilty she could have had the event at home