Would you go on this hen do?

TBH the more people decline these expensive, ‘leave-eating’, hen-do’s, the sooner (let’s hope!) more future brides will stop expecting their friends to indulge them.

No, I wouldn't go on any hen do that would mean I had to use precious annual leave to join it.

I think aside from the hen do you probably should be building up to some time away from your daughter. A night away here and there would be healthy for you.

Re the hen do, if your friend isn’t understanding that you can’t afford or take off time then she isn’t a fantastic friend. Most brides I know that have an abroad hen do also have a low key one in uk.

Abroad

Didn't need to read any more. No.

Bit self indulgent on the bride’s part. I might swerve this one.

Time away from children and use of annual leave need to be worth it, don't they.

For us, if I needed to use annual leave to go then it means it also falls on a DH working day, which means that for him to take over childcare he likely also needs to take AL because of his hours/distance to work not fitting with drop off / pick up / non nursery days. We don't have parents close enough by to cover these, mine are 4 hours away and DHs are too old to.

So that's double AL usage, or the cost of extra nursery days plus using good will of DHs workplace to allow him to start late/finish early to add onto the logistics/cost for me to go.

And that's all stuff we'd try and work out if it was something I really WANTED to do. 4 night hen do in Spain in my idea of hell, so I'd rather not use all that resource for it. Save it for something else.

god just saw it's shared rooms in bunkbeds.

hahahaha. Never. Ever. And i went to boarding school and was in the army. I am waaaay past blowing lots of money on that kind of thing.

Take all the posts over MN about crappy hen dos abroad that they were guilted into altar went pear shaped and now everyone is fighting as a sign - don’t go, enjoy your family x

you wouldn't be included in my list of "friends" with this attitude.

When you have children you have to be careful with your holiday allowance (I agree that OP needs to get time away from her children for her own good, that is a side issue here)

4 expensive days at a time when people are scrabbling around for school holiday childcare? or will be soon? nope

Because OPs 4 days may also mean her DH has to donate some vacation days too.

Any friend who shits on decisions i make is no friend.

I didn’t go to a family wedding as it was 2 days away and childfree. My annual leave and time with my kids is more important I am afraid.

if "absences will be noted" in your friendship group, i wouldn't call it "friendship"

Just politely decline, and handle any fall-out gracefully. Including withdrawing completely and not going to the wedding.

It is ridiculous. What happened to a boozy meal and maybe a club afterwards?

OP, you’re not being unreasonable to not want to go. As others have said, it’s an invite not a summons. However, you are aware that sometimes, depending on the nature of those involved, there may be consequences to not going - you have said this will cause problems with the Bride.
this shouldn’t be a reason that makes you go against your wishes but may change the friendship. It also may not. Only you know your friend and how she will react.
she is welcome to have the hen do she wishes though I think she’s getting a bit of a rough deal as it’s not even her arranging it.
with regards to your excuse - do be aware that some people will attempt to solve the reason that you give. We used to £ once to avoid going and then were told a week later- you’ve been paid for as we really want you there.
what are the plans for the wedding? If you are having to spend a lot of money and use leave for this then everyone may be more understanding about the hen.
I’ve found that in the long run it doesn’t help to put everyone else’s feelings and wants before your own.

Except she says the money is not the issue.

How strong is your friendship and how long have you known her?

She’s got very high expectations, so realistically she must know some people won’t be able to afford it.

When you decide, face it as soon as possible and be very kind but firm, so she doesn’t try to guilt trip you.

I wouldn't go if you don't want to.

But if you did want to go, your daughter would be fine at home with dad. Many parents work away etc, it is no big drama.

Also don't forget the expense of the hen do is just the start. Then there's the wedding - will you need a new outfit, how much will you spend on a present, will it involve time off/ a weekend away, an overnight stay in a hotel, childcare?
It all adds up to a huge amount of expenditure on one person's big day.

If you can’t afford it and dread the prospect of going then just don’t go. BUT with all due respect I thought you were going to say your child was four months old, not four years. And you are leaving them with their father in their home. Of course you’ll miss them but it might do you the world of good. And them, and your DH.

It’ll be good practice for their first sleep over or starting school. Both you and your child need to now develop some independence. If it’s a good group of girls, and a nice hotel, honestly I would be jumping at the chance. I’m also someone who has never really left my children with anyone.

I wouldn't be using annual leave on a hen do. If you want to be diplomatic just say you can't get the time off. Or you can't afford it. Anything so you don't go! Yes she can have the hen do she wants but it doesn't mean everyone else has go along with it.

For what it's worth I didn't go to my friend's hen do because I genuinely couldn't afford it. Dh was going to her husband's stag do. A weekend away somewhere, I can't remember where, but it meant I couldn't afford to go to hers which was also a weekend away somewhere. She was absolutely fine about it. If your friend whinges if you don't attend her do then she's not a good friend.

People are so selfish and inconsiderate with these expensive hen dos and abroad weddings. Expecting their friends to give up annual leave and spend a fortune to attend their over the top celebrations. Just say you can't afford the time/annual leave or the money. Be honest, who cares if she's cross, hopefully at some point she will realise she was the unreasonable one.

That’s a good way to phrase it. Be firm and just say no and buy her a few drinks one evening instead. These things get totally out of hand!

The accommodation sounds awful. that alone would be a no from me. I often suggest attending the final day/part when people post this type of question - after being inspired by a friend’s friend IRL who did so and brought renewed energy to the group an she herself had a great time knowing she’d be back home the following day. I appreciate with flights this makes it harder but not impossible.

If the accommodation is a serious factor, by attending for a shorter duration you could source your own, more suitable accommodation too! Even if this was two nights in the uk I’d hate that accommodation and would be excusing myself and paying for my own hotel!

By all means don't go if you can't afford it/don't want to use that much annual leave/can't get the time off.

But your 4 yo should be fine staying with their Dad for a few days? It might actually be good for them. And you might be surprised at how much of a boost a break will give you.

Can you go for 2 nights as a compromise? Just say work said no to your leave request but you've negotiated a shorter time.

Don't go if you're going to be miserable and bring the mood down. Stay at home with your dd and be happy. 😊

No, there is no way I would be giving up 4 days annual leave to an expensive resort away from my child.

Your priority is your child.
I have said No to things like this many times simply because I don't want to.

Good friends accept this and move on.
I would be rethinking any friendship if a person thought they came ahead of my children, even friends of decades.
They don't, much as I love them.