Would you go on this hen do?

I don’t do hen dos like this. I don’t find them enjoyable and have always declined. If the bride has ever had an issue with that then it says more about their selfishness and inflated views of themselves than how much I value friendship. Therefore they aren’t the people for me and we’re better off going our separate ways.

I think you’re confused on the definition of ‘martyrdom’. OP would simply prefer to be with her family rather than spend money, energy and annual leave on a trip that she doesn’t want to go on.

That’s valid and it’s not martyrdom. Get a dictionary.

How is the OP Martyring herself? Its beyond me how anyone would want to go to this sort of event.

But please don’t try and make that sound like a shameful or pathetic thing

It was you that said in several posts that you’re aware it sounds tragic and that you sound wet?

Sounds like a nightmare. Who wants to be going - on what is basically a sleepover - at 40 years old. It would be different if it was a nice hotel. I would save your money.

I wouldn't just because of those sleeping arrangements. I've agreed with myself this year that I will not go away for more than one night if it involves sharing a room with anyone other than DP or DC. Like you I have bowel issues and I need space to escape if necessary. A night I can cope with, any longer...nope.

Just say no. There are numerous reasons not to go. I'd try and make it up to the bride some other way though

Totally okay to say no. I’d just see it as an invitation, not an obligation.

I wouldn’t be into it personally, and I def don’t have the finances for it, but I’d be happy to be asked by a friend. That means she think of you as close and wants you there / or wants you to feel included.

I think it would have been worse to assume someone with kids wouldn’t want to come and to not be asked.

You of course know your friend best. Your worry about how to decline shows either your friend has unreasonable expectations on you (and others invited who may say no) or that you have poor boundaries and think saying no to friends threatens your relationship with them. Going and being resentful would be no-ones fault but your own.

I think it's great that your dc are your priority, and I don't understand the snide remarks - not necessary.

Sit this one out, celebrate with the bride to be separately eg with a lovely afternoon tea somewhere gorgeous.

💐

Just say no ! Not many women have all that spare money and annual leave. Lots of mums would be be uncomfortable leaving small children for that long. If you’re not comfortable with it then don’t do it.
And having an expensive hen abroad means that loads of people won’t be able to go.

Yanbu. Would never blow that much money on a hen do.

It's selfish to expect it of anyone.

I would decline based on the cost, but I think YABU regarding being away for a couple of nights from your child.

Again, it's an invitation, not a legal summons.

The friend can invite, the OP is perfectly at liberty to decline.

There's zero point in getting exercised about whether it's unreasonable of the friend to issue the invitation, or for brides to be in general to have overseas hen weekends. They do, not infrequently. That's not in their invitees' control.

There's also zero point in the OP frothing herself up over whether her friend will ever forgive her for not attending. That's also outside her control.

All she can do is to make the decision that best suits her, and deal with the consequences, if any.

What a lovely relaxed approach and so inclusive for your friends who couldn't travel.

I went to NY for five days when DS was about four. They had a blast together and built the Death Star in Lego. But it had literally never occurred to me that DH was any less capable than I was of parenting our joint child in my absence. If it had, it would have been a sharp wakeup call that I had married an idiot.

yes, that is fine.
but blowing the budget for a family holiday on a hen-do abroad in a 4 to a room "luxury" break? fuck that

Have you considered at all that it could be quite nice for your DH and child to have four days together without mummy always being there? They will be absolutely fine and have lots of fun. Personally, I feel that you’ve got some kind of anxiety and codependency that probably needs rooting out.

I wasn’t referring to OPs specific group of friends, my point was aimed at PP’s comment about 4 nights being a long time to be away from your child. It isn’t. A lot of women adopt this attitude when they become mothers, then they’re left with no identity or life of their own once their kid(s) grow up.

Is this a joke 🤣

I wouldn't want fair weather friends who throw a strop and punish me emotionally because I couldn't attend a 4 day abroad hen do as OP said this friend is like. Those kind of "friends" aren't the kind that are going to be there for you as a strong support anyway when the chips are down because they are inherently selfish!