Would you go on this hen do?

If my friend didn’t come on my hen do because she couldn’t leave her 4 year old with her DH I’d be quite pissed off! Especially if I’ve shown up for that friend for other things. It’s an invite not a summons, if she’s that good of a friend I would want to find a way to be there even for half of it but it’s a choice. I would frame it as time off work/cost than about the 4 year old though, personally.

I think you have excellent reasons for not going, but if you want to avoid possibly pissing off the bride, just tell her you can't get the time off.
If that's not actually true, and she might find that out, tell her you can't afford it.
Either way, don't go if you don't want to.

This. Mumsnet is the only place that people are annoyed at being invited to a fun social event. If you don’t want to go, then don’t. Nobody is this weird about it IRL. I’ve been to a few abroad hen parties and had a great time.

The right thing to do is to follow your gut instinct.

i do believe that if the bride to be falls out with you because you’ve made the perfectly reasonable (in my opinion your reasons are valid) choice to not go, then sad as it would be to realise, she is not what I would class as a true or close friend.

Thats a lot of expense for four days (and you can’t guarantee there won’t be more “unexpected expenses”), and all the money you spend on a frankly ludicrous short trip for the whim of ONE person, could have gone towards a fab holiday that you, your husband and little one could value together.

lastly, if I were the bride in your post, and I could “feel” that you were on edge about being away from your child, I’d feel bloody awful for acting like an unreasonable spoiled brat.

OP ? Please come back and tell us you’ve had the courage of your convictions, and you’ve nicely but firmly told her that for your very valid reasons you cannot attend, but wish her and the others a brilliant time.
PS- I wouldn’t mind betting that one or more of the other girls ends up wishing that they had your strength to refuse.

Can you afford 2 nights? Maybe say you only have 2 days of leave available (or no leave if it’s a weekend).
Then you can attend some of it, have a nice break and nobody will be hurt
(I do think a 4 year old would be fine if you talk to them every day, but totally understand the time/expense issue…)

No means no, it is an invitation not a court summons, maybe woman need to practise the word np in front of the mirror because they rarely seem to be able to manage it

Again the bride can ask or expect or demand or have a tantrum or choose whatever event she wants people can say no, even if i was a single woman with no children i would not use my annual leave for this

Just say no sorry I can’t. If they question you can’t get a/l and can’t afford it

Don’t go if you don’t want to. It’s ok not to want to leave your little one and that’s enough to say to your friend. She will understand if she’s a good friend.

Don't go if you don't want to.

Hen weekends abroad weren't a thing in my day and I very glad about that. From reading threads on here, unless it's been meticulously organised, the costs keep creeping up and it creates bad feelings.

Just say you can't get those days off work.

how did you work that one out ? She’s getting married so clearly isnt single ..

I don't think it's anything to do with leaving a 4 year old. She'll be with her dad. It's the rest. The expectation of everyone spending a huge amount of time and money (and hassle). It's completely over the top.

Then, after that, there is the wedding. I dread to think what the bride has in plan for that.

Did you not notice the word EXPECT in capital letters? It changes the statement from what you have misunderstood it to be.

Did you not notice the word EXPECT in capital letters? It changes the statement from what you have misunderstood it to be.

No hen do is good enough to be away from your child for so long. Surely your friend will understand or else she is not that good a friend.

The bride is issuing an invitation. The OP is, as is everyone, totally at liberty to decline on the grounds of cost, annual leave or not wanting to leave her child. No one has her at gunpoint.

A close friend can make a wedding better or worse.

Well no the bride can whatever hen do they want people dont have to go, people can own their decision to say no

Reframe it. It is selfish to EXPECT a person with a young family to use annual leave and considerable amounts of money to celebrate something you chose to do for yourself.

Exactly, no chance I would go and even more chance I would not feel guilty because it is a choice

Guilt is a choice.

No, I wouldn't

“I am going to feel guilty whether I go or not.”

Well you shouldn’t! Just say to her that you would’ve loved to be there for her but it’s just too expensive and you can’t afford the annual leave either. If she’s disapproving then she’s not a very good friend! Hen dos like these demand far too much from people.

I probably wouldn't go as I think the whole abroad hen do it a bit pathetic ' come celebrate marriage before the main celebration of my marriage' type thing.

But I wouldn't base my decision on not leaving my 4 year old. A breastfeeding baby I wouldn't leave, and a toddler who didn't understand wyer3 I was or when I'd come back I wouldn't leave. But a school age child should be able to understand that you have friends that you want to spend time with, the same way that they don't want you watching their every second on a playdate. And I'm totally comfortable leaving my kids with my husband as he is their other parent and has demonstrated he is equally as capable of taking care of them as I am

I agree! It's one thing if you can't afford it it's not your thing. But don't use not wanting to leave your 4 year old child with their dad a the excuse if you don't want eye rolls.

I wouldn't go if I didn't want to. but if I did want to I'd be fine with leaving my child for that amount of time, I just don't really like that kind of hen do (too expensive, too much hassle too drawn out) and would use any excuse to get out of it regardless of who it was. People shouldn't have that kind of expectation.