AIBU to think that a gift isn’t really a gift if it’s being a carer on holiday?

Maybe she is really saying she wants to go on holidays but needs the safety net of someone she trusts with her, so she is offering to pay and dress it up as a gift.

Suggest a family trip 3-5 days with you, your dc, your siblings and their families, somewhere nice with kids entertainment, all food included where you can flop (check sen policy for your hotel but we found suitable places) she gets the family holiday, you have back up and make sure it’s really nice, this won’t count towards inheritance tax so she can gift money in addition

I think this is really sad that she clearly wants and values one to one time with her kids before she dies. She’s so old I would do this with my mum.

How do you know she will regret it? It sounds like op does lots with her mum both In terms of caring for her, and also taking her out, so spends lots of time with her. Caring is hard work and all carers deserve a break, if op uses her leave for this holiday she won't get that break. Oh and caring in a different place is not a break.

Just direct her to The Cats Protection.

Oh dear another one who apparently did not read the OP

I would stick with the short explanation about being busy looking after the family and not having enough annual leave. You have offered day trips and you need to be firm about your boundaries.

Paying for something health related like a private carer or companion (or a private operation) is not considered deprivation of assets provided the expenditure is reasonable and not designed to simply soak up financial resources. Your mother can treat her children and also hire a companion/carer to accompany her on holiday. Given her age and mobbility issues this would be considered reasonable.

or how about you take your mum on holiday and enjoy the time you have left with her. You only get mum and you’ll regret it when she’s gone. Think your being very selfish.

Unless you can go the ‘you’ve mis understood the tax advice’ presuming people are right that spending it on holidays won’t avoid iht, only gifting it. (Either way she won’t have it so both seem to work to me?)

‘I work, have sen childrne and spend as much time with you as possible. I am too tired to travel. I need to spend my annual leave doing as little as possible and preferably speaking to as few peope as possible including my nearest and dearest so I can survive the year. I’m off your holiday list sorry.

Oh a cruise. Excellent idea.

Sort of beside the point, but she can also give regular gifts out of income that are completely outside the 7 year IHT rule and the gift limit. My parents give me and my sibling £1500 a month each from my dad’s pension and because they can demonstrate that it does not affect their standard of living, it’s tax free and IHT exempt despite being well over £6k a year. The key is that she has to be able to show that she can meet her living expenses from her income as well as giving the money away, but she can then spend her savings on luxuries/occasional spends (holidays, house maintenance, etc.)

Anyway, you’re not unreasonable to say that you can’t take her away on holiday - you don’t have time off to spare. I’d focus on the practicalities of getting away given annual leave, childcare, etc. rather than it not being a relaxing holiday as, from what you’ve said, she just isn’t going to want to hear that.

Do something in this country you and her for a couple of nights. Filey as someone mentioned is nice but hilly. What about a spa weekend? Harrogate is nice. Not too far from Filey for a day trip 😅. Couple of nights in a hotel, some nice restaurants, etc. Or a lodge with hot tub somewhere if you are taking the kids. If you suggest something a bit luxurious in this country as opposed to abroad? Pitch it as having limited leave and this is the best way to make the most of time together. Still treating yourselves but cutting down on the travel. Less travel and headache but still feels a bit like a holiday.

Quite..i don't think there's anywhere on the tax return to declare "I went on holiday somewhere nice with my dm and helped witth her luggage/ passport/tickets/google maps/support stockings/bedroom blinds/getting a seat on the metro/fetching her coffee while she sat in the shade" as income!

Completely correct.

Cash given is what IHT looks at.

Not who pays for a holiday!! She has completely misunderstood the advice given.

Take her to centreparks for a long weekend with the kids! Or make it butlins and she’ll give you the cash next year

I can imagine it perfectly well and I am pretty sure lost of us on here can too.

What I can't imagine is prevailing on my children's precious , pressured time to indulge myself and make it looks like a "gift" - ha!

Well, I suppose I can imagine it, because I imagine we all lose sight of other people's perspectives once cognitive decline sets in. But I am sorry in advance if I ose the ability to imagine what it's like for my busy adult children to juggle everything

Just say you don’t have spare holiday days, and don’t want to leave kids behind. Agree that a weekend away at a uk hotel with kids could be ok.

Either way her covering the cost of a holiday for uou to care for her is not part of the IHT limit on what she can give.

I agree with you OP. If she’s that loaded then she can pay for a paid carer to come along with you so you all get a break.

I think I’d go on holiday with her but explain that due to limited holiday allowance it will have to be during the school holidays and with the kids……tbh this could put her off, but if not, holidays with kids are not relaxing anyway so why not just include her?

I’d probably suggest a cruise to suit the needs of different ages.

good idea.

You need to explain to her that a holiday for you is being entirely self centred and not having to accommodate anyone else including herself!

Some people are being obtuse.

I think it’s reasonable that someone with three kids, including two with additional needs, plus a full time job, plus regular caring for her mother already might not want to do any caring on something billed as a treat or holiday. It doesn’t matter how little her care needs are - it’s still care, mental load and emotional bandwidth and time that OP doesn’t want to give. She’s already doing a lot for her mother, she doesn’t need to facilitate holidays under the guise of being a treat for herself.

I’d ask why she would do that to avoid IT? Paying for you to go on holiday wouldn’t incur any tax so she could do that and hand out cash… does she not realise that she’s more than welcome to spend her money on as many holidays for as many people as she likes until the day she dies without incurring inheritance tax?

With children with additional needs & FT work? Not hard to imagine at all!