AIBU to think that a gift isn’t really a gift if it’s being a carer on holiday?

This is a gift for your dm, not for you and your siblings.
How about a weekend at a Warner, adult only hotel. My sister and her partner did this with my mum. My mum is in her 80s, great company, doesn't need caring for but does have limited mobility.

The 3 of them loved the hotel so much that they have booked another long weekend there.

Is this a wider issue then of her in denial about the increasing need for her own care and (speaking from experience) some growing resentment on your part about how that additional need is falling to you? Maybe it's a discussion about that rather than this specific holiday.
On the holiday issue I agree with other posters that a clear 'not available' message needs to be sent, otherwise this could become an annual expectation, especially if she still has money to spend. I feel for you OP!

I understand her not wanting to go with carers, is she meaning her own? There are holiday providers that also offer up to 1:1 care and have holidays in the UK, abroad and on cruises.

It sounds controlling to me. Why doesn’t she just give you the bloody money? I’d never do this to my kids.

I am amazed by some if the comments on here. The OP works full time, has three children two of whom have SEN, and already does an awful lot for her DM. Why would she want to give up a big chunk of her holiday to be a carer for her DM in addition to what she is already doing? I think a long weekend is the most she can reasonably expect, and it has to be on the OP’s terms. I’d emphasise how difficult it is to organise childcare round your limited amount of holiday. Is there a DH in all this? If so, what does he think about it all? Most DH’s would not want to go on holiday with their MIL. OP, I think you are just going to have to say that two weeks is out of the question because of your DC, but that a long weekend/few days in the UK could work.

Personally I would just tell her outright that she has misunderstood the financial advice, so the holiday idea does not tick that box, and that it doesn’t sound like much of a treat for you given your day to day responsibilities. Can’t you just tell her?

Yes unless her plan is to give dd the cash to buy the holiday... I might be wrong but think ops carer duties could possibly kick in at the planning stage...

Yes, this. She can spend as much money as she wants on things and that will reduce her capital that is subject to IHT as it doesn't go direct to the other person but otherwise she needs to give cash yearly £3000 is exempt and regular gifts from her income are allowed. No actual limit as long as it doesn't impact on your day to day living. I'm assuming the person who advised her has looked at income and expenditure and calculated £3k is what she can afford to give

What about booking a cruise then? Find one that has a kids club for your kids. Beds made for you, all meals cooked and there's entertainment laid on. Maybe there is a way for you to do it where you can get a break too. Can she book you two cabins, you and DH in one and your mum and her grandkids next door? Otherwise, somewhere all inclusive.

From your mum's point of view, she's getting some quality time with each of her children and making some memories of her for when she's gone. Also, if she spreads the holidays out, she's got something to really look forward to every three months.

I understand your point of view though. At the very least, you should encourage your three siblings to take her for a week each. As you say you're doing most of her regular care, it would also give you a break, when they take their turn taking her away.

If she wants ‘one last holiday abroad’ with you and later, your siblings, and if you were open to going without the caring responsibilities, she could hire a carer to help her out on the basis that then you get to spend quality time with her instead of focusing on her needs. If she/you are not willing to do that, it sounds like you’re at an impasse.

How about she spend some of that squirrelling away on a carer?

@AmazonDiamond is she a loving mother with whom you had a healthy good relationship with?

If so, just be honest. Full time working mum of two SEN children. Say it’s a weekend or a night away - and that’s what the option is.

If not, then again just be honest. But don’t make an alternative suggestion.

Is it not that simple?

Not sure about the emphasis on the yearly spend to avoid the IHT. It appears she might be liable on her remaining assets. So if she gifts more than £6000 while it will be added to her estate on death for IHT if she didn’t gift and doesn’t spend on herself the tax bill will be the same. Also if she lives a bit longer than 3 years the IHT bill could be mitigated by gifting more than the £6,000 per year. Sounds like she’s using IHT planning as an excuse to get free care and pretend she can’t give them more than £6,000 a year. She could gift the families more cash to pay for a stress free holiday for them and also ask them to accompany her somewhere on another short break. If she’s that well off I don’t understand why she wouldn’t want to help out her family more either to help with necessities or luxuries. From an IHT perspective she has nothing to lose as if she doesn’t spend on herself the IHT bill is the same if she dies in less than 3 years.

Im in a similar situation with my mum. Shes not doing it for tax reasons though. I think she genuinely thinks its a nice thing to do.
But shes in a wheelchair and quite frail. I have 3 young kids the youngest of whom is not yet 2.. I work nights 24 hours a week and my holiday time is precious..
Shes asking to go to a Greek island.
It would be an absolute nightmare but shes so offended that im not delighted by her offer..
The thing is not only would it be 24/hr work for me but more work than I do most of the time anyway. Like an anti holiday! And using up my holiday hours to do it... on a Greek island. Known ofcourse for their accessibility 🤣

I agree with the suggestions of a luxury UK hotel for a long weekend. Would your Mum enjoy a spa hotel? I’d snap it up if someone offered it to me, I love being pampered. 😂

I think you have had some good suggestions about saying that you need time to unwind with your husband and kids.
Personally I would be blunt and just tell her that looking after her isn’t a holiday for you.
i am fairly LC with my remaining parent but both my parents always thought they could buy everything, including buying a people carrier so my brother could take them out with him when he and his wife and kids went out. Nothing ever came without strings. When they said they were going to treat my sister and her family to a holiday with them, my BIL said he would rather stick his head up a bears backside!

FFS, read the OP. What is up with people's reading skills? I blame the teachers.

Making memories. 🤮

You should try reading the Op then. She explains very well why going would be putting herself last.

Guilting your DD to put herself last is not the same thing as not putting yourself last.

I see you have been properly conditioned to put yourself last like all good girls. Well done you.

You don’t have kids to expect them to be your carer or emotional support blanket. God I hate this shit. I will never put on my kids like that - I’ll offer to treat them of course, but it’s the emotional blackmail as demonstrated on your post that is awful. I will have my own friends to go away with - or if I’m 89 and have no friends to invite then I will suck up my pride and pay a carer. Especially when my DD already does so much with all her other responsibilities!

Yes I would advise to mention her plan to her advisor, maybe go with her. And clarify. She has misunderstood totally.

I feel really sorry for her.
I know it’s work, but this is likely her last chance to see something new rather than the usual drive to a historic home and a cup of tea in the cafe that she’s seen umpteen times. She sounds bored out of her mind and wants to spend some one on one time with each of you doing something fun before the end.

I’d take her on holiday. Think of it as scouting for future family holidays.
You would get a break from the kids- travelling with one elderly adult for a week can’t be more work than full time work plus 3 young kids, two with SEN, for a week. You’d only need to dedicate 1 week a year for a few years.

When your siblings do the same, you’d get a break from caring for her on top of work and your kids.

It seems really important to her, she hasn’t much time left. I think you might regret it later.

Ok, waiting for you to call me sanctimonious too. If that’s how you feel, think on this you are role modelling for your kids how to treat you when you are elderly and all you want is a bit of travel before you kick the bucket but none of your kids will go with you because they’re too busy and you’re too much work and you can’t go alone as too old.