AIBU to think that a gift isn’t really a gift if it’s being a carer on holiday?

Why not suggest a holiday with her and your siblings all together - hire a big villa with a pool. That way you can all share the responsibility for your Mum. Your mum is probably hoping to a)get chance to go away herself and b)for you all to make memories together, including your children so hopefully this would be a compromise between what she would like and still making it a holiday for you

It absolutely does in our policy, as you’ve stated, it’s not a holiday for her. Our policy was set up by employees who are carers to recognise and better support people with caring responsibilities - this is exactly the sort of dilemma carers face every day and usually have to make a personal sacrifice to support.

It would be up to the employee and their manager to decide how best to use the caring days and if she preferred to use them all to support her SEN kids then of course that’s her choice.

If you don't like your mum and can't get anyone to look after the kids then the answer is different, but personally as someone who works FT with two kids (one SEN) I went away with my mum for a short break every year for the last few years of her life. Yes, it was a holiday more focused around my DM's mobility limitations, especially in the final couple of years before she died, but we got on well and had some nice quality time together.

Sorry but I don’t think her DM is coming from a good place at all.

She clearly has a huge estate otherwise there would be no point in discussing IHT prevention and instead of being pleased that she has the opportunity to offer her DCs some money - particularly OP who provides her with support - she uses it instead to her own advantage to try to manipulate her into taking DM on a holiday that she chooses, using up precious annual leave that is needed for her own DGC.

My Dsis was treated to this break as a suprise by her DH.
It was a huge hit...quite expensive but it was massive brownie points for her dh.

Sorry mum but I have 2 SEN children & dont get much hoilday allowance, it wouldn’t be much of a gift but I would love to do day trips with you.

yanbu at all. Sounds like hell.

There’s some very swanky expensive hotels in Scotland ( think Traitors castle). Could you go and stay somewhere like that for a long weekend? Sell it to her that since watching Traitors you’ve had a burning desire to stay in a nice hotel in Scotland. Depending where you live, you could even fly there.

I think you need to insist on bringing paid help with you - even if you phrase it to her as being just for your kids.

Would a short cruise be a good solution to make it easier for her to get around?

Sympathy - it’s obviously coming from a good place from her, but it’s not a gift if you’re expected to “work” for it. Or aren’t allowed to say no!

Centreparks, villa, all inclusive posh hotels, Ireland
Ferry over to Normandy, isle of Wight, Channel islands etc. Jersey is nice
If she pays for your partner and kids or a group of you and siblings family to go it'll lessen the burden and you might actually be able to relax somewhat.

Otherwise maybe just ride it out and say work is too hard right now, sibling would love to go with you, if you ever needed a gift of her money it would be a new car for you all to have room in for days out or something practical for her. Or even what about she pays a family subscription to the local David Lloyd? Swimming pool for you all, lessons for the kids, soft play, tonnes of childcare while you work out and kids clubs. Lots of social events for her to go to and lovely coffee.. I actually think that would buy you more relaxing time outside of caring for her. Xx

I’d handle it another way, an all inclusive, say IKOS, go as a whole family including siblings. You share the load (of her) and get a break. Plus the food, classes, amenities are fab.

You have the conversation with her…….tell her you cannot take the time off, you have the children to consider but suggest that she employs a Personal Carer to accompany her on the holidays. That’ll soak up some of her wealth surely, and she’ll get to see the places she wants to visit

I don’t know why people think paying for a holiday for someone else doesn’t count as a gift for IHT purposes, it does, it doesn’t have to be a cash gift. However if she’s worried about paying IHT and she was married and has children then she must have an estate of over £1 million, so she certainly could pay for her own carer to go with her.

We had similar with in laws inviting themselves on holiday with us to Cornwall, after politely trying to rebuff them we had to have a frank conversation that rural Cornwall wasn’t an ideal location for two people with mobility problems who frequently end up in hospital because they fall over, and we didn’t want to have to make the children wait everywhere we go while they hobble along slowly behind us, that wouldn’t be relaxing for us. They weren’t happy about it but they had to accept our decision, sometimes you just have to be frank with people if they don’t pick up your hints.

I am not sure taking an elderly relative on holiday counts as caring responsibilities ( although it certainly wouldn’t be a holiday for OP).
With two SEN DCs she most likely already uses those days for their intended purpose.

I meant FOCUS on the children at the end there.

She should take you AND your children away on a holiday. And try to choose the most relaxing place where your children will be entertained as much as possible or appreciate it's hard with Sen children so where your mum can be relaxed and you can go us on the children. Try and think how this can work for you. Take my hat off to you, you are juggling a lot.

My employer offers days for caring responsibilities and this would be covered. Does your employer have anything similar, even do a long weekend?
Or
Can she not take your whole family on holiday? Plenty people include grandparents on family holidays.

At 89, I think there is a bit more limit than “any time she fancies”

I would find this hard to turn down (if I had a mother who wanted a relationship with me). She wants to go away with you while she can. It’s surely not really about the money.

My mother is batshit, so I do appreciate “it’s your mum, you’ll regret it if you don’t go” opinions are sometimes not applicable. But it seems like you like your mother. That’s the impression I get from your posts.

Why don’t you suggest a whole family holiday with your siblings and children and partners etc. Get a villa somewhere and she can pay 6k towards it and you all split the rest.

This would be ok if the other siblings were there and there could be a fair rota agreed so each gets more "holiday" time than "caring for v elderly mum" time

When you’re working with DCs, every day of annual leave is precious as it’s either needed for the long school holidays or illness or medical appointments.
OP has to prioritise the needs of her dependent DCs over the wants of her adult DM who has other holiday options.
The only way I would be prepared to go is with the family, if she doesn’t like that well she can ask her other adult DC.

But away with this only one week a year for poor old DM it could be her last holiday. Yes it could be but working adults simply don’t have a lot of spare time, particularly if they are already doing a lot for her on the other 51 weeks of the year.

Ive been a slightly similar situation and simply explained that:

• i already only have 6 weeks leave vs 13 weeks school holiday, and that a week away without my DC is simply a week of school holiday I now can't cover and its not that easy to sort childcare for because the various camps etc don't cover a working day + commute
• a week away in term time is near impossible for DH to manage with me not doing my half of pick ups/drop offs/clubs.
• i work full time and those 6 weeks with my DC are precious and I am not willing to use them on other people

I suspect your mother knows full well that paying for a family holiday has no impact in terms of HMRC and liabilities whatsoever. But she’s dangling it as a way to coerce her children into holidaying with her.

The mother could pay for the whole holiday without affecting IHT, and also give each child £6k per year. But that doesn't solve OP's problem. I get the feeling that a whole family holiday would not help at all.

I did this for my mum. It was awful. Came home absolutely exhausted and felt resentful about the whole thing afterwards. Don’t do it!! You will be working the whole time and you have children with special needs to look after. That was last year and this year she wants to do the same again - NO WAY. I want to create good memories with my mum and not bad ones. So this year I just said my time is very limited with annual leave and it’s just my family I will be going away with this year. She is disappointed, but I know (sadly) that I won’t be able to take her on holiday again.

I would take her up on it but only with the proviso that she pays for a large villa and a nanny and a carer to accompany you so everyone can have a proper break.

I would just say that you would love a holiday if she can afford to pay for it but as you have very little holiday you would want to include your children and DH as well.