AIBU to think that a gift isn’t really a gift if it’s being a carer on holiday?

Can you go somewhere like a Nielson or mark warner holiday which includes clubs for the DC, meals included, activities for you from yoga to sailing to mountain biking, and your mum can enjoy being abroad, read by the sea or pool, be in the pool with DC etc
Minimal thinking or planning required by you but also minimal moving around with your DM, if she doesn’t require too much care and can cope with being in a room by herself?

We have done this and seen many other 3 generation family groups doing the same.

Perhaps you should just gently point out to her what you've said here because it explains it very well.
You do most of the caring. Relaxing for you would be a break where you don't need to care for anyone.
Suggest if she really wants to treat you she does something more suitable.

She really has no idea that she is not at all relaxing to be with.

this is the crux of of matter and you have my sympathy.

is the work of being with her just the caring duties, or also her personality?

either way I think you have to either: Make excuses, such as limited annual leave that you’d rather spend with your family. Or spell it out. Point out that caring duties mean wouldn’t be a relaxing holiday for you.

what if she paid for a carer to come, as well as you? So your only role would be company? Would that make it something you’d actually enjoy?

I find it rather telling that she’s been advised to give you a gift, but instead has come up with something that benefits her. Sounds rather selfish.

This is a great idea, but she can pay for the whole thing AND give you £6k.

I would go for one holiday. She's 89, she's unlikely to have many more chances and it might be nice for you to have that one last holiday with her but maybe do a long weekend away rather than a week to save your holiday allowance.

Me and DP used to take my elderly mother for a week's holiday once a year.Paid by us. Always self catering as that was our preference. She was pretty independent at home, though we lived nearby and had contact daily, we did some heavy work for her and shopping etc. She wasnt disabled but had reduced mobility just due to age, however she was very emotionally needy. Couldn't have more than an hour without us. She used to try and inveigle the best room (double/king size bed, en-suite etc) but we stood firm on that as we wanted to sleep together, but she always got the best seat-window with the view, etc. She didnt have to lift a finger at any time, and all outings/activities were planned around her.
We found it extremely hard work, never having time on our own, making sure she was happy, meeting her needs, being judged if we had more than two glasses of wine on an evening, and on balance could say we enjoyed the week maybe 30% at most.
We were lucky that we had no other caring responsibilities, so the week, though challenging, wasn't draining. We look back and laugh at some of the memories now.

In your position, I wouldn't contemplate taking her on holiday, I just wouldn't have had the patience, inner resources, or emotional resilience to make it enjoyable for either her or myself.

I'd just say that as you work full time and two of the kids have sen you hardly get any quality time with them as it is, you have limited annual leave and its the only real quality time you get with your children so you can't really take more than a couple of days out of that allowance without it affecting them

Go with her and leave her at the bottom of the steps! Take loads of photos but then sit down in a café for an hour.

As someone who has recently done this, just wanted to send solidarity and to say stay strong! My mum 'treated' to me to what under normal circumstances would be considered a luxury holiday, but it was the longest, hardest week of my life. Since we'd booked the trip a few months earlier her health had deteriorated, so as well as other medical conditions she was also severely incontinent. I was a full time carer, with no escape. And I had to buy an extra weeks annual leave from work to cover this trip.

I have a good relationship with my mum and will support as much as I can, but that trip nearly broke me.

OP spends plenty of time with her!

She spends loads of time with her already. She is the main carer of all the siblings.

If you can manage a long weekend then suggest to her that you go to Burgh Island. It will cost £3k for you both (or more potentially) and is a lovely place for a luxury short break in the UK.

@itsthetea

By any chance you a mother that feels your adult children don’t give you enough attention?

YANBU OP, especially as you say you went recently with her and it was a nightmare. My DM asked me to go abroad with her and my DF last year and I was honest and said it would be incredibly stressful and I wouldn’t be doing it. My DF has dementia and is housebound. I’d go with just my DM at that point as she is mobile, but definitely wouldn’t judge others for not being up for it.

Have you even read the op and the op's other posts? Don't try and guilt trip her. That's shitty behaviour.

The OP already does a lot for her mum and spends a lot of time with her which can't be easy when she works FT and has SEN DC.

"Sorry mum but the precious time I get off I want to spend with my kids. Please take us to an-inclusive for the whole family, including you."

How will you feel in a few years when she is no longer there and you couldn’t face spending time with her? She is your mother

I totally agree I’ve done this as a carer for an elderly man another carer came too. It was hell at the airport ! Hotel food was good but he moaned about everything. We booked trips changed his mind on the day. Was stressful
using wheelchair daytime. We did everything to try and please him hiring a car on day we picked it up he didn’t want to go. Never again so very stressful. This was without children so unless anyone has done this holidaying with elderly don’t judge the poster

Yep. This. You can't explain that she is just more work, much as you love her.

Also, you can tell her you need to save your annual leave from work to spend time with your children. That you already don't see enough of them.

I think you're my new hero...

Tell her you can only go in August and kids/husband need to come

annual leave is precious when you work and hsbe school age kids

I hear you OP! My dad is only 78 but old for his years. Although he lives perfectly well on his own (does his own shopping, cooking, washing, etc) as soon as he is around me and my DB he becomes completely helpless! We took him away for his 75th birthday. In the UK. Only 4 nights. And he just sat there like a king expecting to be waited on. While his sister and her DH (also in their 70s) pitched in with emptying bins, washing up, etc., he just sat there. He wouldn’t even make his own coffee. Me and my DB running round after our respective DC who were between 8-13, and he would stand in the kitchen saying “are you going to make me a coffee??!” Or “can you get me a tissue?”

He has proposed taking us all away and paying for flights and accommodation etc., but he won’t pay for everything and it will be hard work for me and my DB. He will want waiting on throughout the day. He won’t fetch himself a drink or put a plate in the dishwasher. He will need shepherding at all times and will adopt helplessness (you wouldn’t think that back home he travels independently, meets friends in other cities, goes to gigs…). It won’t be a holiday for us. I will need to use my annual leave. He will pay for some things but not all, so it would still cost a lot of money. I’m on UC so have to be very careful with money.

I think he thinks this would be him doing us a lovely favour, but it won’t be. When we took him away before my DB, who is usually very patient and good natured, flipped his lid by the end and shouted at him to get his own bloody breakfast!!!

So yeah, I’m putting off the same conversation as you. I kind of want to do it so he has a nice memory, but I think the thing which deters me most is that he will then expect a lot of gratitude and will keep on and on about how he’s taken us on holiday. The truth is he might have paid for the bulk of the holiday, but essentially we will have been unpaid carers for him. Carers who then need to be eternally grateful for the privilege! So yeah…. What to do?!

Yes this. Youre caring for your mum anyway so why not do it somewhere nice. I dont get the angst at all really. Shes offering to pay for your family holiday right? A holiday isn't going to be relaxing for you anyway with kids involved. Why not choose somewhere lovely and let her treat you?

Your sibling should be stepping up here. If you do a lot of the daily stuff you could suggest that it’s fair that a DB or DS take her on this holiday. That would give you some respite while they are away.

Yes unreasonable we pay for a carer to accompany a relative it's c£300 per day plus their accommodation, flights and food on a very nice holiday!