AIBU to think that a gift isn’t really a gift if it’s being a carer on holiday?

Shes your mum you’re meant to be able to be open and honest with her. Just tell her that it’s not realistic for you to be able to go away with her one on one. I don’t know why you wouldn’t suggest going away with the kids, they’re her grandkids. But anyways you just say it’s not realistic due to your holiday allowance, the knock on effect of your DH having to take time off to care for the kids etc.

She wants you to spend your limited personal holiday time (and use up your husband's in childcare) with her instead of your own children?

Awful woman.

Just find a polite way to say no.

It is a question, and somewhat influences one’s responses

If you are in England, please get her to check out the IHT issue. I’m pretty sure the personal allowance is £3K per person from a married couple. If your mum is on her own, it reduces to £1.5K. There are other rules re gifts for weddings etc.

I get it @AmazonDiamond. My parents are in their mid/late 80s with some age related cognitive and physical decline (although nothing officially diagnosed and both in good health for their age). Even taking them around the supermarket is an ordeal. I love them and we're very close but I miss the competent and vital people they used to be - even in their 70s - when holidaying with them was an adventure rather than an exercise in endurance.

All you can do is keep explaining about your annual leave/childcare situation. If you can get a luxurious long weekend in the uk booked next time you see her, it might stop the repetitive questioning.

This, people like ops mum will honestly be thinking they are a wonderful benefactor and that op and siblings are exceptionally grateful and pleased with the honour of being treated to a relaxing holiday!

you advised op to have a break away from kids, especially as you say they are sen- OPs holidays are limited, the children who have their childhood only once and each year is precious,you think op after working through the year at work and outside the work as carer and already being away from her kids needs a further break from the kids so the kids also miss out on a holiday and memories with their mom?

If you are a parent you are a jerk to your kids if thats what you do.

No idea but I feel your pain. She's very fixed on what she wants and can't take in or compute anything that runs contrary to that.

Giver her a break, OP has said she has cognition issues. She sounds extremely loving to me, just a little lacking in understanding. She’s nearly 90 after all!

Because what you say and what other people (want to) hear are two different things.

And then they get offended, followed by guilt tripping and silent treatment.

Your limited holidays belong to your family,your children and to make memories with them. Going on a holiday with an 89yo is noway a holiday for anyone going along, this is like carers work plus overtime.

You clearly have no experience of telling a stubborn elderly parent what they don't want to hear. I'm on my 4th rodeo and can tell you between memory, deafness and "lala didn't hear that", it often just leaves the caring son or daughter extremely frustrated.

Not sure if this would work, but a friend who's husband is very disabled went on a cruise. Their was a lot of help from the staff as other holidays she has found too much. There would be entertainment for the children though how appropriate that would be for their needs etc.

Just a thought, yes it would still involve doing caring to some degree but if others are doing some of the heavy lifting..I. Don't do a cheap one though, my friend went with P&O.

As do i. Wish i didn’t, but i do.

And even if the relationship is 90 has naturally had to change, forced to really due to dementia, the relationship before the decline still holds strong in your mind, and I’m just wondering was she the type of mother who would have totally understood your predicament and been supportive and loving if you’d explained you can’t take a week annual leave with her?

I do, and I’m very close to her.

i am just trying to understand whether you have a close and loving relationship with her..,, if not now, in the past?

The advice was to give you cash gifts to limit the inheritance tax you'll pay.
Instead of taking this advice she's decided to just spend the money instead. It's not the same thing at all. If she just wants to spend the money then she can do anything with it. She doesn't have to spend it on you (especially seeing as she's spending it on something you don't actually want).

Mum, that wouldn’t be a treat for the following reasons…

Why can’t people talk directly to each other these days?

I think the advice your mother has been given is incorrect. You can make regular (monthly) gifts from excess income in excess of the amounts quoted as long as she can live on her remaining income.

Caring on holiday may be a holiday for the person being looked after, but for the carer it is simply working in a different place. Carer is still on duty all the time, probably with new issues to deal with and without the usual support systems. Maybe you have to have been a carer yourself to understand this.
Not entirely surprising that your mother is in denial about how much is involved in looking after her (especially in an unfamiliar place) - I've seen this before!

If you do decide to perhaps do three days you'd need to plan to make it as easy as possible on yourself - maybe have a sibling as well to share the load? Maybe a nice hotel so you wouldn't have to cook - or do groups like Saga holidays offer activities for elderly people so you could have some time off?

You won't know how you will feel when she has died. You may regret that you didn't do it. But I agree. A long weekend in this country is all she can expect as you have a busy life .

How much help does she need ? And is 6k all the wants to pay , wouldn’t she pay for your children to go too ? I don’t know your children’s needs obviously but wouldn’t a all inclusive Villa , one of those that has your own help all day work ?
I think you should try and go , let’s be honest at that age she won’t have many holidays left