AIBU to think that a gift isn’t really a gift if it’s being a carer on holiday?

Sounds lovely
but…

what’s your mother’s response?!

That sounds ideal @AmazonDiamond!

YANBU….. however could you do 3 days just you and your DM at a lovely health Spa so you get a break and some down time but its not too much time away from work/kids?

I took my mum here www.stobocastle.co.uk, worked really well as she could have treatments and we had dinner together but we both had individual time relaxing. This might be too far depending on when you live but there loads of nice inches around the UK.

www.stobocastle.co.uk/

Absolutely do not do this! I have a relative with a LD and thought it'd be fun to go on a family holiday. Went with my daughter, son in law and two year old grandchild. It was not fun. It was a disaster! Their needs were so different that it was impossible to find things we all enjoyed. I ended up being the carer and had no break at all.

Op tricky. Mine would be no break so we never got into it. Is it set in stone yearly then.. mine likes her own way and food at set times. Mine is a rest not take on minding. Siblings feel same about it

@Boomer55 with respect I am guessing you are a lot younger than OPs DM, I suspect your user name is a clue to that .

Your trip sounds lovely, but something I have observed with my own very elderly DPs from the age of about 80 onwards, it seemed literally impossible for them to understand that when working time is precious and I don’t want to do the same things they do. I don’t want to make generalisations about elderly people so let’s just say this has been a common experience amongst my friends and their DPs as well.

I think OP knows her own DM and her abilities better than we do, and if she says it will be a chore not a holiday, I’m inclined to believe her.

Yeah, my DD asked me to go away with her for a week. Shortly after I lost my DH. I paid.

To a place we have been many times before. I have got mobility issues, but don't need a carer, so we worked it out between us.

She wanted to go beach horse riding daily, which I can't now, so I stayed in the lodge. Reading etc. - all good.

Lunchtime - we went for a lovely pub lunch. Arranged to use the spa/facials etc in the afternoon.

Then on the way back, we picked up some bits for the evening, and after the spa, and spent the rest of the day chilling on the lodge decking, with a few glasses of wine.

She'd had a break from work, kids etc and we both relaxed. Luckily, we had glorious weather 🌞

It can work. 👍

THIS!

The OP has already explained why she would not be able to enjoy any aspects of the trip as all her time would be spent making sure her DM was ok in unfamiliar surroundings. Oh and as DM is not able to travel independently and is presumably picking the destination and accommodation, I wouldn’t really call it a holiday for OP. It’s caring for a frail elderly person in different places where many more things could go wrong and OP will be expected to sort them all out.

The three day trip including a weekend that PPs have suggested sounds good. I think keeping on emphasising the lack of annual leave is a good idea.

But I do think she’s misunderstood the point of the accountant’s advice - she could spend as much as she likes on holidays or steak dinners or whatever. It’s about giving cash away that’s he’s said 6k a year.

If she wants to go on holiday that’s one thing- and I’m sure it’s possible to plan for someone to take her or a few of you with her so it spreads the load.

If you want to.

Or a paid carer as well if she’s so wealthy.

But she has to stop seeing this as a form of gift to you.

She could well do her holidays AND give you the money as I’m sure that’s even more tax efficient. I don’t think she really understood what the accountant meant - that this is a way of GIVING you some of your inheritance tax free, on top of any general spending she might do. It’s about the max cash she can give away, not the max she can spend.

Or she could, you know, have her money taxed when she dies. That would be the best thing to do to help the most people.

Wow, I guess you just tell her you want the money, not to enjoy experiences spending time with her. And by the way, it would be her taking you on holiday, not the other way around.

She said in her post 8 hours before you made this one that's she close with her mother.

@AmazonDiamond I agree with you that taking an 85+ year old away is nothing like a 65 - 70 year old. They have a comprehension gap in understanding why it’s not a break for you.

I did 3 night trips with my Mum after my Dad died. It was exhausting having to think ahead for her and she had no insight into the impact on me. I know exactly what you mean about airports etc. and I dread flying with anyone else as I find it so stressful.

You already spend a lot of quality time with your Mum so there is no need to go on holiday. I imagine your siblings will only do one holiday with your Mum then vow never again.

A 3 day break to a nice hotel not far away, so minimal driving, is the most I would do. If you live near to Southampton a 3 night cruise also might be an option.

However, I think you need to be honest with your Mum that a holiday with her would not be a break from caring for you. She won’t hear it but at least you have given her a reason.

‘’ That’d be lovely Mum but I just don’t have enough annual leave. You’ve got xx booked with you though haven’t you! That’ll be great! ‘’

OP your mistake was putting this in AIBU try the elderly parents board next time. It's in Other.

Sorry I wasn’t meaning to be flippant. There are of course more aspects to how old age can impact the mind. But it doesn’t happen to everyone. There is similar longevity in one side of my family like the op and they’ve not had any dementia like issues. I do have experience of family member with serious mental health issues like schizophrenia and in my experience there is no clean delineation between illness and personality. Hard situations for everyone involved.

From your recent responses it sounds as if your DM has cognitive decline, either normal age related or start of dementia.Therefore she may not have the capacity to remember that you said no to a holiday offer previously, and secondly if I were one of your siblings I would be somewhat nervous about being abroad with her for a week. Does she actually have holiday insurance, I would say that would be rather necessary in these circumstances?

And certainly you have no reason to berate yourself for not going. As someone who spends more time than I enjoy in the company of elderly DPs to support them, a holiday with them would be the very antithesis of one for me. To be fair they are way past holidays, but the last time we did go away with them - 18 years ago paid by us to say thank you for childcare- it was ghastly and I swore never to repeat the experience.

You need to draw a boundary and not be drawn in.
I did all the looking after my Mum. I refused to do holidays. I got 22 days a year and had 3 kids. That was my answer and I didn't budge from it.

sounds like you dont like your children and their company? If she goes on holiday wo kids and uses up her holidays,the kids wont be going on on or should have been one. Only a selfish jerk would do this to her kids, if your kids went to school and spent majority of their days there and then you thought you needed even a bigger break from them you are even worse than that

@AmazonDiamond How about somewhere like Potters? There are two, one in Norfolk and one in Essex. Adult only though Norfolk is extremely child friendly during the school holidays and extremely inclusive. It’s all inclusive and is literally the perfect place to take an elderly parent away for a few days. There are as many or as few activities as you want to do, Entertainment every night and the food is good. My DDad is in his 80’s and I’m taking him and his partner there later in the year for a break.

I would go for a long weekend in a super fancy hotel. I totally get where you are coming from. I would have lost it with my mum if I had to take her away!!

You don’t understand dementia that often comes with old age.

It is not an indication of the core of the person. It is a ghastly condition that distorts the person.

I always say that people become themselves but more so in certain situations m: grief, tragedy, illness and old age.

i 100% agree with you. Find one short emotion free sentence and say it everytime she brings it up. I use chat got for these situations. It starts off too flowery and AI but I find going, no shorter, kinder etc usually gets me what I want. Finding the words when you’re emotional yourself is hard - I could do it in a flash for a friend. You have limited capacity - I really wouldn’t diminish it further with something you then supposed to pretend felt an amazing gift!