Helping MIL but not in the way that’s clearly expected

Be interesting to know if SIL has resentment over that too. Maybe she has felt obliged to give up a much loved job or career as she is the daughter. Seen it before.

Some autoimmune diseases like lupus can be very serious and can mean people are on oxygen, in wheelchairs and have a shortened life expectancy. OP hasn't stated how bad the illness is but has said she is poorly.

I think your husband needs to step up to be honest and that’s also going to require your help. I think the shops should be delivered at a time your husband can be there, for example 7pm-8pm on a Tuesday. This may mean you have to do the evening stuff on your own, an activity or getting the children to bed. He should go there so he spends some time with her. If your sil is going to be incapacitated for say a month your mil needs to have someone visit at least once a week just so she sees someone. This is the bare minimum in my mind. Yes she’s not old at all but if she has issues with her health and anxiety you can’t just leave her all alone for a month and hope she just gets on with it. If you don’t get on then you don’t go but you should be encouraging your husband to go and facilitate that. It’s so unfair everything just falls on your sil just because she’s the girl.

Yes, if daughter is getting a carers wage for MIL surely this means she qualifies for assitance. Wouldn't there be a benefit of some kind for a cleaner/taxi and whatever else MIL needs. I don't live in UK so not sure how it works.

Cleaner & shopping delivered - very sensible and reasonable.

Hospital appointments- it is difficult for someone with mobility problems /anxiety to navigate hospital sites and remember what's said at the appointment. Depending on where & what it is I would encourage your DH to try and attend with her, prioritising anything that is medically more important (long awaited consultation or any procedure) or at a difficult to manage NHS site (a lot of hospitals are massive and therefore a long walk from car park to clinic). But the primary responsibility is with your husband, not you.

No I know. I work with people 10 years older who all seem perfectly capable. Some are over 10 years older than the “D”MIL in question.

OP you’ve done a lot more than I would have done, surely a 62 year old can organise their own cleaner and taxis, if not I’m sure their house wouldn’t get that dirty for a few weeks. I might have helped with the shopping but only so far as showing them how to do an online order. What would she do if she didn’t have children cleaning up and running around after her, she’d have to mange herself.

honestly your DH sounds like my brother. Steps back and leaves everything to me as daughter. He needs to step up and start doing a bit more of the face to face stuff. It’s lovely you guys have offered to pay for these things but if MIL has MH issues strangers and apps are going to make her more anxious. Sounds like this needed some better planning. Is there the option of going round with her for a few visits of the cleaner so she can get familiar with them?

Paying for everything is not the same as caring for someone. It sounds like your SIL is getting the heavy end of it. Do you actually visit? Do you like her?

And her husband’s the son. The misogyny on this thread’s incredible. It’s always the daughters who are the carers and the sons don’t pull their weight. This one can’t even manage it for a few weeks while his sister’s out of action. And his wife’s enabling it.

How the fuc…..
So she doesn’t work or have DCs, so plenty of time on her hands and trying to dictate to someone working with kids.
And she is the daughter not you.
Some people are piss takers.

62 isn’t elderly in my family at all! I can’t imagine any of us not being able to cope with organising shopping and cleaning. What on earth has happened to keep her so incapable? She’s not even retirement age.

No way! i was sympathetic towards her until you said she was 62!! I was thinking she was 80 or something. Does your sister in law enable her? 62 is plenty young enough to get her head around an uber app and new technology and get on with a cleaner. This break from your sil might do her some good in becoming a bit more independent.

Her daughter is normally there every day from the sound of it. Even while recovering from her operation she will presumably be in touch with her Mum and visiting when she can, just not doing her normal caring work. If MIL needs daily carer visits then this is a wake up call that they need a backup plan for when sister is unavailable. Expecting her son and DIL to step in is unrealistic as they are both working full time and have young children.

The 'poor woman' should have been nicer to her DIL instead of saying that she wasn't the sort of wife that she would have wanted for her son. Her son could step up but it's perfectly reasonable for OP to be hands-off with her MIL and only provide practical help such as online shops, a cleaner and Ubers.

I'm sure that if OP's MIL had been kind and had welcomed OP to the family rather than saying that OP wasn't a suitable wife for her son, OP would feel much more inclined to help and support her MIL while her SIL recovers from her operation.

You can't treat someone like dirt when you have the upper hand and then expect them to bend over backwards when you need their help. OP and her DH are providing practical help with online shops, a cleaner and ordering her UBers for her appointments. The sort of hands-on help that she would prefer isn't available because of the way that she has treated OP.

Yes & no

mum actually wants human contact with her family not an impersonal app & strangers to clean & drive.

I think you could see her more than once a month, given the situation, to be honest.

I don't think you need to meet every need personally, that clearly isn't realistic, but I imagine she's very lonely. Once a month isn't much. I'm not sure I agree that young dc's activities should always take priority over her welfare.

I don't think in the grande scheme of things it's actually helpful to allow a 62 yo woman to become totally reliant on her children's care. There could be 40 more years of this! Teaching her to be a bit self sufficient and independent for as long as possible to actually a kindness IMO.

Seriously thought you would say she lived 100 mile away and that your child was 6 weeks old! It must be a generational or cultural thing because I regularly drove 140miles to take my mum to hospital appointments. And recently did a 288 mile round trip to babysit my grandson so my son could take his wife to Les Mis for her birthday!
I must be slightly potty because I gave it not a second thought

Oh well that’s that then, if your sil has autoimmune issues and can lead a normal life so can everyone else.

🙄

I didn’t realise until it was stated that SIL is officially carer, which means 35 hours of caring provided per week ( for a pittance from the government).

That makes a difference but OP and her DH were never going to be able to replicate that with DCs and working. A conversation should have been had before SILs operation on expectations and what was absolutely needed and an uptake of visits to MIL for the short term - weekly- until SIL back on her feet.

But things like outsourcing cleaning are imminently sensible and if she gets the right person MIL may actually get on with her - has happened with DPs cleaner after a not so good experience with another one.

Really? They are married - so she is part of his family too, imagine if it was the other way round and he said screw you nothing to do with me

I am guessing she lives on her own; so strangers inside the house would put me off. The impersonable touch of any old uber driver rocking up, maybe if medium / longer term maybe a local cab company where the same driver could attend? I am guessing the other sibling is a lot more present due to different commitments, and change can be hard to adjust to.

i am just trying to shed some light onto their perspective.

I will also add, I am in your predicament at the moment. It is just very difficult to do all the things and be at all the things. It comes to th point where you have to subcontract out the care to professionals or others as you cannot do it all.

please do not feel guilty, I try to just recognise what is going to be difficult and do the best you can, but also you have a family too and they will need to accept you can only do so much without causing stress to your family. It is just difficult and there are no winners. .

She’s 62? I’m only 3 years younger and off skiing. I know everyone’s different but at her age to need that level of support because she has autoimmune problems is bizarre. My SIL has a host of autoimmune conditions and leads a normal independent life. Something isn’t right here…