Helping MIL but not in the way that’s clearly expected

I'm amazed and shocked by how young some of the relatives are who have become invalids. Your MiL is 62 you say. Only 62! You say she has a bad back - so has a sizeable proportion of the population. You say she has anxiety - ditto. Autoimmune conditions - ok, they can be tricky but giving up on life, which is what I get from your post OP? Her 'help me' attitude? What's this nonsense about not being able to work an app? I'm ten years older than your MiL and I'd be really embarrassed to be saying those things.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh but if you all continue enabling her in her helplessness it will only get worse and you might have another 30 years of this! Please get her anxiety sorted and her bad back: both of these (I know I'm not her dr or have her medical details) will most likely improve if she's out & about, doing stuff. We need to keep moving as we age. Obviously make sure she keeps up with whatever her Autoimmune treatments may be.

Don't let her slide into old age yet.

Yeah you can only go so far in supporting people. The help is often out there. But you have to want it. And at the very least show some appreciation when you receive it.

I’ve already explained she made it clear she was disappointed DH was with me

That was a deeply unfortunate choice on her part, @Enablinglocationiseasier, in that such things have a habit of coming back to bite

Her choice to make though, as are the consequences to accept

At 62 it sounds like weaponised incompetence to me.

My parents were the same, but unfortunately circumstances change and we all have to be prepared to adapt. Most people in their 60s would not have a son or daughter available to look after them instead of holding down a job. Is SIL getting paid to be a carer? Are benefits involved to make that possible? It's an enormous sacrifice from her otherwise. No pension building up, limited rights to benefits herself.

All of you saying you're that age and can do apps etc, that's great. So can I and so can many of my friends and that's lovely for us. Long may it continue. There are some people who are not as physically or mentally resilient. Those comments aren't helpful here.

Is MIL physically fit enough to unpack and carry shopping from the door? Uber apps would overwhelm and defeat many older people. Cleaner - was MIL involved in recruiting them?

Anything else is highly insulting and uncaring in my view

The RVS provide transport and support with hospital visits. They can help you check in and I think they may wait with you too

They do indeed, @silverwrath, and they're fantastic
There's also social prescribing, accessed via the GP team, which can be invaluable in helping to build new links and meeting new people among other things

In addition to all we were already doing we tried these with my late, exMIL and sadly she threw the tantrum to end all tantrums. It wasn't enough, you see, because the wonderful helpers couldn't be emotionally manipulated in the same way

You are most welcome.
However, given the op hasn’t specified what autoimmune problems her mil has, I don’t think you can assume she has the same as you and should therefore be as capable and competent as you. There is a vast spectrum there when talking about autoimmune disorders and the impact they have on people.

Goodness
62?
I work with people like this who work full time - who are in worse shape and some even older.
you’re not be unreasonable
mil is being a tad (very ungrateful )
I have a friend whose dm is like this older though.
she’s very attention seeking and treats my friend like a servant
same with cleaner (s) - there been a few as her dm finds fault with them.

Aren’t you a clever little thing!

I think outsourcing is absolutely fine. She may be lonely and it’s for your DH to decide whether or not he will meet that need.

Agreed in spades.

Back problems?

Well bully for you.

Are you MiL? Do you have her health issues?

Because like most of mumsnet she hates her mother in law & money solves the problem of having to actually help the MIL in a personal way.

Thank you I'm very flattered by your compliment 😁
The op has said that the woman in question has anxiety problems and some autoimmune issues, as it happens I also have those problems!

Exactly-she is your family if you're married. If you have children, in-laws are just as much related to them as your own parents, and it sounds like SIL has done most things all this time, so why can't you two step up for once?
I know it is not easy managing children, your/your partner's own health and disabilities, and work and study, as I am in that situation too, but it sounds like for you it's only short term anyway, as your SIL is going to do everything except for a very short period.
Some older people are more techy than kids, but many aren't, so setting up apps is no help at all. Lots of older people at my GP can't use the Patchs system so are missing out on appointments they really want, and without my help, some of my relatives just wouldn't get to the GP, never mind ride-sharing apps and shopping.
On day there will be things we don't understand, and I hope people will help, rather than set up some tech we can't use.

I'm going to repeat what I said on another thread recently - why do people always try to guilt trip others by saying things like this?

One day she won’t be here for you to do this for her and youl wish you spent a bit more time with her .

This is OP's MIL we're talking about, a woman who made it clear to her son that she didn't like the look of the woman he had decided to marry, if you read all of OP's posts. Why would that endear her MIL to her? But even if we were talking about OP's own parents, the fact that they need or want a lot of help and support doesn't automatically turn them into lovely people who will be badly missed when they die. Even nasty people may need carers as they get older. Lots of people have very tricky relationships with family and will be frankly relieved when some of them die.

If you want to define MIL as immediate family that’s fine, but then you need a different phrase for your partner and children (I guess nuclear family). It doesn’t change my point at all.

If you’re dealing with a relative who wants more than you want to give them, you have to find ways to have boundaries and make decisions about how much you’re able/willing to do. The fact that MIL has health issues does not mean that she is the only person in the world whose opinions or desires matter, or that she should never have to compromise.

It sounds like you feel you've gone above and beyond given that you have work commitments and a young child/children. And she lives 30mins away.

She's 62. But I guess what actual help she needs is dependant upon her ability to perform the normal activities of daily living. Wanting company is surplus to requirements given the circumstances. Although giving her a phone to check in now and again shouldn't be a big ask ... of your husband.

The RVS provide transport and support with hospital visits. They can help you check in and I think they may wait with you too.

https://www.royalvoluntaryservice.org.uk/our-services/getting-out-about/

62! I was expecting you to say nearly 90. I am 64 and OK, I'm in reasonably good health, but I need no help whatsoever with normal day to day stuff and I hope not to for decades to come. The vast majority of my contemporaries are the same, bad backs and all. My Mum and Dad were doing all that kind of thing for themselves until their late 80s. At the age of 62 my Dad was working full-time in spite of having some problems with hips, knees etc. My Mum at that age had recently retired from a full-time teaching job and was spending a day a week in a charity shop. She also went to stay with us or my brother and his wife every so often to help out with childcare. I may add she has had chronic anxiety all her life but she had to work to keep our family finances afloat so she got on with it.

How on earth did your MIL cope with the world of work if she can't work out a simple app? How bad are her health conditions for her to need a carer at 62?

You and your husband work (and this means some weekends) and your children have activities on a weekend too. Due to your own lives and schedules, it means you only see your MIL once a month, but your husband does call her.

Your SIL doesn't work or have children, so can spend much more time with your MIL. However, by telling your husband that he needs to 'step-up' suggests that your SIL might appreciate your husband taking on some of the responsibility for his Mum more regularly? If you're husband is only visiting once a month, he's doing nothing to help his Mum or take any responsibility off his sister.

Your husband is providing help, it's just not on the level that your MIL is used too. Yes, the help although useful, it isn't personal and yes, could quite easily come across as clinical and uncaring.

To be clear, helping your MIL isn't down to you, it's down to your husband. He needs to find time to see his Mum a little more, even if that's once during the week, as well as a monthly weekend visit. Her living 30 minutes away, isn't like she's living hours away.

A family supports its members. OP sounds uncaring and nasty tbh. Also a bit precious as her DC can't be disrupted from their activities whilst gran needs a few extra visits - which afaik is all it is - because SiL (main carer) is unwell.
I am reminded of an experiment with baby monkeys who were separated from their mothers and given a stimulation-free environment and 2 'mothers' one of which was metal and provided milk, the other cloth covered. The babies clung to the cloth mother except for brief interludes to feed from the metal mother, which met their physical needs. This cruel experiment (poor babies clung to the cloth mother desperately) showed that caring for someone is not just providing what they need in the way of nutrition, lifts, cleaning etc. it is helping with emotional needs. Cuddles are as important as food.
To put it another way, the OP's solutions are technocratic and managerial (metal mother with milk) but these 'solutions' do not solve the real problem: loneliness and the need to see people who care for you a bit more often than a couple of hours one Sunday a month (cloth mother).