Elder daughter father giving rules about my younger kids

Imagine if it is the middle child that has the musical talent - despite playing on an 'inferior piano'.

I commented earlier on in the thread, having related to the situation somewhat.

I have now realised that this is about a particular piano, planted in the OP's house, and designed to sow discord between the siblings.

A baby grand piano taking up significant space in your home, that nobody else can touch, causing issues.. is absurd.

Your ex knew this though.

Yes, it will be interesting to see if the girls have any sort of relationship when they are older. Most people wouldn't want to do a social experiment on their small daughter but this OP does.

I think you're doing the right thing in a tough predicament op. Your younger child is hardly hard done by with a decent key board and lessons. It's not worth going to war over. Even though your ex did a shitty thing maybe its not a bad thing for your eldest to have this precious thing that is just for her. As you said, you can see how things unfold.

Tell him to come and take it back!

Then it’s controlling of Op to think she’s entitled to decide that her younger children can use his piano when it 1, wasn’t given to OP, and 2, is there specifically for their shared child to use.

She isn’t storing it there for his benefit, any more than he’s allowing it to be kept there for hers. They both agreed that it could be there for their daughter to use. It wasn’t given to ‘them’ (and may not have been given to anyone - allowing someone to use something at their main residence is not the same thing as giving it to them), and it’s not OP’s property.

He has a house, and he can keep it there. It is very controlling to expect to have a say on what goes on with things at the ops house. Next he will help her put a lock on her room and say of course she can lock her room in her mums house. It’s like giving them an ipad and then telling mum it’s dds ipad she can play Fortnite for 7 hours a day and the siblings can’t touch it. Picture that if iPads were the size of a piano and the other dc had to see it every day.

I think if your daughter goes along with her father’s petty shit, she should pay the price. It’s unacceptable to have a piano in your house that her sister is not allowed to play. I wouldn’t let my ex poison her mind and turn her into a little bitch, personally.

Everyone who is serious about learning piano can use the piano, or nobody can.

Your house, your rules. He can make arrangements to collect it from you and you can buy/lease/keyboard if he is that bothered.

It sounds like we have a future musician on our hands. I wish her all the best.

It’s her house, but it’s his piano, and he absolutely gets to say that her younger children cannot use it.

OP isn’t entitled to assume control over it because it’s at her house. She isn’t keeping it there as a favour to him, and he isn’t keeping it there as a favour to her. It’s there specifically for their shared daughter to use, not to be communal property.

OP either accepts this, or she has it removed. She’s decided on the former.

Your ex is exercising coercive control over both you and his daughter. It's absolutely awful that he is forbidding a girl from letting her sister use the piano. What life lesson does that teach her? This is something that you must overcome.

The ex must remove his piano from your house and there are ways to get a decent piano at a reasonable cost.

I'm a piano teacher, and I wi recommend Mark Goodwin pianos, with branches I. Manchester and Battersea. He often has bargain decent pianos and genuinely wants to ensure every pianist has access to a decentpiano.

I hope you manage to resolve this

Jo

Sorry @Dazedandconfusec but your ex has no say what goes on in your house. It can be the eldest’s but you can’t allow ‘only’ her to play it. However, you can maybe agree with ex- that younger ones need to be at a certain stage and ability before they can use it, or when old enough to take very good care of it. And older daughter can help younger one and set rules - eg no drinks near piano and so on. It’s a bit different with smaller instruments - people have their own and can be more in control and can let others have a go but take it back/keep it in their room. Ex also needs to stop this nonsense that you having more kids holds her back - awful example for your oldest daughter.

I hadn't realised it was a baby grand. You let your ex put a baby grand in your living room and then say only DD is allowed to play it? Bloody hell, that's like letting your ex buy DD a climbing frame treehouse swingset that covers half your garden and then saying none of the other children are allowed to play on it.

And he can then turn around and charge her for renting the piano from him.

Yeah, that isn’t how that works, and that isn’t something she should do unless she’s fucking stupid. She can’t retroactively charge him for something she agreed to keep at her house, and that he agreed to provide, for their daughter’s benefit. Nor could she assume ownership of it because he, rightly, would not pay.

This is one of the oddest posts I've seen on here.

I was grade 8 violin at that age and not the only one at school. Yea Grade 5 is decent. Tiger parenting? Who knows but the whole thing is so very far from the normal family life we have at home.

For reference, have just said dc4's boyfriend can borrow my electric guitar and amp. Even found a jack lead. OK, wouldn't have let him use my violin but only because he can't play it.

Those poor poor kids being manipulated like this. Utterly mad. They will need therapy for this. Why not buy every child a piano? That would solve everything.

Tell him to remove the piano immediately from your house, after he has paid the rent for the room it has been taking up in YOUR house for however long it has been there. If he won’t pay rent, it’s available for anyone you choose to allow to use it!

You said the piano bought for your 12 year old by your ex is "remarkable." My conclusion from this is that your ex saw an opportunity to drive a wedge between his child and your younger children by creating a situation where it would be almost impossible for you to say "no" to a conspicuously expensive piece of equipment.

Because this piano is so "remarkable" (a baby grand, if I interpret your other posts correctly), it would be near impossible for you to decline it or remove it because it would be depriving your oldest child of a valuable and beautiful musical opportunity. If you do remove it, your ex will be able to use it as leverage to convince your daughter (a) that you don't love her as much as your younger kids (because you took away her piano), (b) that you don't care about her musical talent and (c) that she should consider living with her dad or even cutting contact with you because of your "favoritism" towards the younger children.

The problem is that, if you keep the piano, then you are shoving your oldest child's much greater resources in the faces of your younger children, day after day. A significant part of the space in your home is being taken up by an instrument they aren't allowed to use. This is WAY beyond asking your 12 year old to share her toys with her siblings. This is your own home being used as a way to show your younger kids that they are "less than." In their own home.

You might be able to make this work if you frame it to your younger children as "You are getting a keyboard because you are just starting piano. We don't want the fancy piano to get broken by accident. If you stick with piano, we'll re-evaluate." You don't have to tell them that what you'll re-evaluate is NOT whether they get to use Ella's piano, but whether Ella's piano stays in your home or gets sent to her dad's home.

If your younger children stick with piano, I really do not see how you can keep this expensive piano around. Eventually, the younger children will see very clearly that Ella is favored and that there is a behemoth being allowed to take up a LOT of space in their home that they can't use because you are letting Ella be the Golden Child in your home.

It’s true though. A 12 year old G5 isn’t really much of a flex tbh and certainly doesn’t indicate anything except a kid who has had a few years of lessons

I have no idea whats good or not but the comment made me laugh!

It’s true though. A 12 year old G5 isn’t really
much of a flex tbh and certainly doesn’t indicate anything except a kid who has had a few years of lessons. My sister sat her g5 around that age and her G8 age 15- didn’t even go on to do anything with music. My son only began music age 10 and is G5 now age 13 and barely practices, lazy little shitebag. He is musical and has a talent but is not gifted. Sounds like the op dd is harder working and enjoys music which is good, but she isn’t anything special based on this.

She’s only grade 5 and she’s already 12. A prodigy she is not. Strongly suspect that you’re keeping the piano for the kudos of having a Steinway or whatever equivalent it is and it has bugger all to do with not wanting your daughter to play an “inferior” instrument 🙄 I’m getting Hyacinth Bucket vibes here!

Blimey, thats a burn!

She’s only grade 5 and she’s already 12. A prodigy she is not. Strongly suspect that you’re keeping the piano for the kudos of having a Steinway or whatever equivalent it is and it has bugger all to do with not wanting your daughter to play an “inferior” instrument 🙄 I’m getting Hyacinth Bucket vibes here!

Steinway, Bechstein, Ritmüller, Yamaha…there’s many it could be. A baby grand. If OP has it removed her daughter may very well follow it, and that is something OP adamantly does not want to happen.

OP has more than one child, but only one of her children has a wealthy parent able and willing to provide for her what OP and her husband cannot offer to their shared children.

It is more nuanced and you’re reacting the wrong way. She can go to that house to practice sometimes. She’s 12 and grade 5, even if she were 12 and grade 7 as you say she might have been without the siblings she wouldn’t be a prodigy and future concert pianist. There are many 9,10 year olds who are past grade 8 piano (& also grade 5 on another instrument) and these are the ones who gets the scholarships etc as the promising talent. Both you are your ex are parenting badly and the grown up dynamics of your children will show this.

So buy you other children their own musical instruments, blended families work for adults

A refreshing change from the norm where the first child is a suitcase kid while their parents start their “real” families…