Elder daughter father giving rules about my younger kids

Sorry, my post above totally not point of thread, just musing on a pp's reply. Ignore my ramblings 😊! Thx

See what you mean.

Although my DD only had our old electric organ to practice at home on for first couple of grades, then a 100 year old brute (but much loved) upright which should have been given up grade 3 but got her to Grade 7, finally decent piano grade 8. I did regret we couldn't have got her a decent one sooner. She was never destined be a concert pianist, but she can make nearly any piano sing and beyond excited to finally get a good piano.

Sometimes

Maybe they'll have a piano room gonig forward, TBH I'd love a piano room. I've been eyeing up a digital baby grand for years so maybe I'll just fill up my lounge with them! Its bonkers IMO 🤷‍♀️

When it is parked in a communal room of someone else’s home then it becomes a free for all.

Could this piano be moved to your DD’s bedroom? Hire piano movers to move it. It might be tight but if she is insisting no one can play on this piano other than her then it needs to go in her space not the communal space.

Equally I would be moving all instruments out of the communal spaces and into the room of the owners to set boundaries

Your eldest dd is being influenced by her father and on the verge of doing things that could have a lasting impact on her life.

I think whilst your ex really believes he loves his dd but take away the control and division he likes to have over you and her and what is left.
She is too young and too close to the situation to see him for what he is. She still thinks he bought the baby grand for her as a gesture of kindness.
He waited till she probably told him about her helping siblings play the thing and you starting lessons for her sibling and then slammed the lid down on the thing so it would cause conflict in your family

I would think about all the things he does for his dd that look nice on the surface and what they mean for the rest of the family

I think when you analyse all these things you will see a pattern of sowing division in your family and him still trying to control what goes on in your life and family.
I think the baby grand is just one of a long list of “nice” things he has done that result in division in your family and control over you and eldest dd.

What will be interesting is if the youngest starts lessons as well will the middle child have to share with her sibling or will he get his own piano as well . Why should middle child have to share if the oldest doesn’t have to ?

Yes, he could be worried about the piano being used properly. Who pays for it to be tuned. Will it need more than a once a year tune with your children playing it. If he isn't controlling or abusive he could have genuine concerns that a conversation could fix.
In the end though it is your house, your rules so maybe him having the piano at his house may be an option.

Its not just weighted keys though, its the touch sensitive keys that keyboards dont have. A digital piano does this, and these days are light and portable. When I learnt I went to one teacher first but the exceptional teacher I wanted to go to would not accept students without a piano to practice on (digital piano, not electric, was fine).

Has your daughter moaned about the others using her instruments?

He gets to control what lives in his house. - and he also facilitates the lessons. You always hear about split families that what the other parent does I their time is at their discretion and you have no role in that - but they cannot control what happens in your house either.

so either piano is unlocked, or it moves to Dad’s house and he facilitates the lessons. And the practise.

Just curious, do you play?

Did you read the music teachers' comments that absolutely the way to go to get a keyboard with weighted keys for the younger ones until they earn the right to play a beautiful instrument?

I'm team beautiful instrument - it belongs to the elder daughter, her choice and she may have needed her Dad's help to defend that choice. And a good keyboard with weighted keys, headphones etc is a superb way to fast track independent learning when starting. Plus something to look forward to, stepping up to a real piano a few grades/years in. If you start on a beautiful grand, most other Pianos are going to be a disappointment in future - where is the incentive in that?!

Its in the OPs house taking up so much space she can't get one for the other DCs. What households have a piano each for kids to practice on FFS. What you are comparing this to makes no sense.

Very good points here about the relationship between the siblings.

It looks like there are some inconsistencies in this thread. OP title is that her ex is giving rules, but doesn't actually mention he has said anything. Then in another post she states she believes he DD doesn't want to share but wouldn't say this to her. So it sounds like the only reason the ex has said anything is because DD has probably said something to him ,and maybe even asked him to talk with OP. Does ex actually have a problem with the younger kids using the piano or is he just saying so for DD?
OP says her husband thinks they should buy another one for their child. OP says she doesn't want to because of space etc, which i completely agree. And would cause a division. But then says she can't afford to buy one of the same quality, or even offer ex some money towards the existing piano. But will consider it if the younger child reaches grade 2...
I think there is already a division and simply the elder DD does not want to share her piano. She has told dad, who has told OP and I'm not sure he would even know younger DC was using the piano if the elder DD did not tell him. If elder DD didn't mind there would be nothing to tell. Not entirely sure it's the ex fault here.

Absolutely agree with this. DD1 needs to make this choice.

If she’s upset with being forced into the choice, she needs to take it up with her father, if he’s the one driving it. If she’s started this by complaining to him that she doesn’t want to share, she needs to recognise that actions have consequences, that selfishness negatively affects others, and she can reflect on who she wants to be.

The moped wouldn’t take up half the sitting room and its presence wouldn’t stop the other siblings having one of their own. It’s not analogous.

Why is the size imp;ortant

If a young person had a moped or bike, do the siblings get carte blanche to just use that if they're learning as well?

Its not like a private 'thing' IMO, it takes up half a room that belongs to the OP. I dont agree with you on this but thats fine of course.

The daughter absolutely should dictate who uses her things

She has very likely gone to dad and been upset that her piano is being used by others, its hers. He's told her to keep the key

OP has found a solution in any case

Oh and your ex sounds like a complete arse. He cannot dictate who uses stuff in your house, nor should your daughter.

It isnt treating her like a 2nd class citizen but learning on a keyboard is not the same. A digital piano would make way more sense, weighted full size keys is a must IMO. You can get ones that arent on permanent stands so easy to move around (a bit like a keyboard). We have a fixed one in our lounge then DS has another one upstairs on a portable stand. Has the added benefit of being able to put in headphones.

actually @Dazedandconfusec- worth thinking, who’s piano is it? If it’s your ex’s it needs to go. If it belongs to DD1, she, not her father makes the decision.

offer her the choice - don’t speak to him. Does she want to keep this very good piano and share it or it’s given back to her dad and she has a shared piano you have bought she can use as well as her sibling. She has to make this choice as you don’t have space for 2 and ask her, did she think it’s fair she gets to learn how to play the piano but her sister doesn’t? If it’s DD’s piano it’s DD’s choice, she might not like her choice but she’s got to make it.

The problem is the OP doesn’t have space in her house for 2 pianos. Particularly as the one her ex has bought dd1 is very large.

The OP has 2 children who have piano lessons. She has space for 1 piano and it is perfectly possible for both children to use the same piano for lessons and practice. If DD1s piano is not available for both children to use then it needs to go to be replaced with one both can use. DD1 isn’t 5. At 12 she’s old enough to understand this.

Either “her” piano is shared or it is replaced with a shared piano. That the shared piano will be inferior may be a factor but at 12 she’s can make that choice.

Grade 5 is good for a 12 year old - it’s about low GCSE level. Grade 8 is about A level equivalent and has UCAS points. But it’s not exceptionally talented and unless she’s only just started doing the grades, it’s unlikely this is something she’s going to make a career from. As such, is her hobby worth damaging her relationship with her siblings over? Is a hobby that she’s good at but not going to be professional at worth giving your ex so much control?

Thank you for your input - you have your opinion, I have mine which I’ve formed after reading the OP’s post and others’ comments.

Indeed. Who tf buys a baby grand for someone else's house?

You think it’s fair enough. Bloody hell. That says a lot about you!