Elder daughter father giving rules about my younger kids

I think people simply don't understand this! They are drawing false equivalence with a variety of inappropriate items. It's a piano. It's for playing. It should never be reserved for one person's use.

Agreed. A piano is nothing like a car.

Pianos are shared instruments even at the highest professional level.

Sorry but the piano was purchased by her father, not the step father and mother. It's only in a communal area because it physically can't go in her bedroom. It doesn't make it communal property just because it's in the living room. It should go back to the dad's house and op buys a different one but reading the thread, this isn't an option for her.

Almost certainly there is an element of DD not wanting to share, the OP said so. But she has two other musical instruments that her father bought specially for her and she doesn't have to share those. If she's stopped playing them it would be sensible to let the others use them, but I can understand why the OP would not insist. But the piano is different. A piano is normally shared. He's trying to make the whole family to bend to his (and possibly DD's) whims. He is not doing his daughter any favours by bringing out the worst in her.

As for the car example, before the OP agreed there would have been a discussion about who was allowed to use it and where it could be parked. Most parents would not agree to host a very smart expensive new car that only one child can drive leaving no room for the family car.

If the ex had said "I want to give DD a piano and I don't want anyone else to play it" then I don't suppose the OP would ever have agreed to install it in her living room. For DD's own sake as much as any other reason.

It's still "her" piano in the sense that when she moves out she can take it with her.

But no one has suggested the younger children have 'free rein' on the nice piano, just that the other child who is learning piano can use it to practice - which could be supervised.

But it has to be done because her father cannot control himself when it comes to every tasty morsel of information.
I presume this thing about locking the piano was a way to control the exw, dd and family and sow seeds of conflict because he heard that his DD’s sibling was taking piano lessons

It might be hard for her to do but if she starts to monitor what she lets slip and then sees his responses it might just show the dd what everyone else can already see. That her father is more interested in controlling her mother and her new family than he is of his dd

While I'm obviously late to the party on this OP, I honestly think you're being a bit wet!

The piano may have been bought for your eldest daughter's use, but it's in YOUR house. Your daughter is 12, and not old enough to dictate what furniture is in YOUR house, and your Ex has no right to instruct anyone to do anything in YOUR house. So tell them both that the piano while it remains in YOUR house, will be used by anyone who lives in there, and while it does belong to your daughter, she must share it, in the same way that you would expect her to share other things. Maybe put the following question to her: 'If I were to buy an even better piano for your younger sibling, because you won't allow them to play on this one, how would you feel if you weren't allowed to play on it?'

To buy the younger children a lesser instrument seems unfair, so make a stand on this, it is not for your ex or your daughter to dictate what happens in this instance.

Maybe you should consider it in a different way? If for example your ex decided to buy your eldest daughter a dog of her own, would you be willing to do as he dictates when he tells her that she mustn't allow her siblings to play with the dog, or stroke it, or walk it, when the likelihood would be that YOU would be the one who would end up having to walk it, take it to the vets, and feed it. Of course you wouldn't! You'd say, if it's to live with us, then it's a family pet, and everyone will be allowed to make a fuss of it, and help take care of it.

Allowing either of them to dictate what goes on in the house that you also share with your new partner is ridiculous in my opinion, and is encouraging your eldest to behave like a spoilt brat.

@JediNinja I don’t think a car is the same at all , for one it isn’t sitting taking up room in a house and secondly there is the insurance issue .

How is that fair to put the eldest in that position? It's controlling behaviour that makes the eldest look entitled and the mother look weak. Take those blinkers off ffs!

If you make them all older and this were a car, I don't think posters would be so quick to declare everything is to be shared. The piano was bought by the father when no one else but his daughter was playing the piano. She has been playing the piano for a while and she has probably gone through upgrades over the years, with her skills improving and sustained interest and effort. Now one of the younger sisters wants to start playing, at absolute beginners level, she gets access to the expensive piano that DD1 considers a prized possession? I think OP is absolutely right in buying a small keyboard (or a digital piano, as suggested by another poster) whilst the sibling learns the basics and figures out if she's really interested in the instrument. There was a music teacher earlier in the thread that suggested this was the best approach and gave her personal experience with this, which was to upgrade as you learn.

Going back to the car example, if DD1 had finally got a fancy expensive car after years with a second hand one whilst learning, would you think it would be ok to ask her to share it with the sibling for lessons and practice? I would think the sensible thing would be to get a cheap second hand car, one of those with lots of scratches and with a couple of years left, until passing the test and proving they are an ok driver. Change piano/car for other expensive "upgradable" items such as a special top-end graphics PC/tablet for drawing and design or other piece of technology. I cannot believe you would all just share the most expensive and prized possessions around, specially if they were a gift and tailored to you and you hobby or skill. At least not without knowing they will look after it and can be trusted to do so, which tends to be after learning, training and showing care for cheaper versions/under supervision.

PPs saying this makes DD1 special and whatnot, I think sharing the piano would make DD2(?) special because she wouldn't need to learn first, upgrade second, and she would be effectively taking something that was a present for DD1 and that she treasures.

They know it’s not theirs to play, whether they’re taking lessons or not.

The piano is there to be played, of course. By the eldest daughter.

Does a family piano only become a family piano when each member begins formal instruction then? The point is that the younger can indeed grasp the concept of it not being a ‘family’ instrument.

That she is now learning piano does not mean that piano suddenly became available for her to use.

You mean the child who is doing as her father (who bought it) has told her? How is it her fault?

They weren’t learning the piano until recently this is not rocket science.

@InterIgnis of course it wasn’t an issue until someone else started learning the piano , what else would you do with a piano .

Or perhaps those other people can refrain from using it. Given that the piano has been there for years now and this has only recently become an issue, it seems they are in fact quite capable of leaving it alone.

He allowed it to be kept at OP’s for their daughter’s benefit, and OP agreed to have it there for the same reason. She’s no more doing him in a favor than he is doing her one. OP knew it wasn’t there to be used by anyone else, and it doesn’t sound like she had any issue with it not being communal property until her younger daughter started having lessons.

Thats very petty. I would get the piano dropped off at he's house and buy a family one for everyone to use.

Some people don't care what damage is caused to the child as long as they can can inflict some sort of revenge. The daughter does not want to share and has likely told her father, who is advocating for his child.

Right. If you don’t want people to touch it then don’t leave it in someone else’s house.

He gifted those instruments to your daughter so they belong to her and she should be able to do what she wants with them.

I would tell him it hurts the other kids' feelings so either he backs off or he can have all the instruments back, and I will get the children new ones they all have equal access to.

Ridiculous.

Does that If the person that owns a piano chooses to allow others to use it then of course that’s fine. Equally, if the person that owns it doesn’t want other people to use it, that too is fine.

People get to decide for themselves what to do with their own property.

Of course it would. That's bonkers.

That's pathetic.

Good grief. My mother was a classical musician, we all played her Steinway from the age of 3 when we started lessons. Pianos are meant to be played and enjoyed.

Even the worlds’ top pianists in the world play concert hall pianos, they don’t take their own (with some notable exceptions).

It's very unkind of your ex to not let your children use the piano, what does he think they'll do to it?! The older one should get priority when she wants to practice but otherwise its just sitting there which is stupid, of course the younger ones should be allowed to play it. They could do duets if the younger ones get good enough.

Sent from the sofa next to my precious baby grand piano