Elder daughter father giving rules about my younger kids

OP was just talking about a keyboard for the younger DD, no? (Which I still think is a bad idea personally).

Tell him to move it to his house and buy one yourself for your kids. It’s extremely selfish though.

But strangely the OP does?

If the younger dd in question is old enough to start lessons, then we can assume that she is not a toddler who is going to be bashing it around. Does your son have any younger siblings who play piano? If he did would you have a separate piano for them?

Im not a massive fan of the transportable digital pianos that come on stands. They feel a bit rickety to me, and the pedals are very different. Great for traveling with of course, but I wouldn’t want it to be the only thing I practice on.

I think that's different. My schoolfriend's father had a grand that they could take lessons and practice on but never, ever mess around with. Seems reasonable.

I agree, a digital piano with proper weighted and touch sensitive keys is a must unless just playing pop music etc. I wouldnt pmay classical music on a keyboard! Digital pianos are really portable now, we got one for my son as he is a professional musician and he uses a portable stand instead of fixed so can be stored in a smaller space if need be.

Says who? The Ex has no jurisdiction in the OP’s house. The elder dd is just a child. As it belongs to the ex he has every right to take it away, but he can’t dictate who plays it.

Exactly. If we must do comparisons, I’d say it’s the equivalent of buying myself a sofa and then insisting that no other members of the household or visitors ever sit on it.

There’s no universal rule that pianos ‘should’ be played by everyone.

This piano IS reserved for one person’s use.

I’d be very surprised to hear that any pianist would be happy to play on a keyboard. Unless you actually mean decent electric piano. And if that’s the case, it will probably cost more than an acoustic, and take up nearly as much space, so I wouldn’t have thought it would be a good solution for the OP.

Tell him to come and collect it immediately. What a git.

I agree with all of this.

I'm assuming that when the two of you were together he made it clear that he only wanted one child, and that's fine. But I don't think it's really a standard opinion that multiple children lead to lower quality of life for the eldest;

OP has admitted that her eldest fell 2 years behind in her schooling because OP was distracted.

So remarriage and having a second family has had a visible negative effect on the eldest. Now, there were plans to take a very expensive gift to eldest and turn it into communal family property. One of the biggest problems with siblings is helping themselves to their siblings' things and that comes from a place of entitlement. It would show eldest that she can't have things of her own at mom's house and that it's ok for her siblings to violate her boundaries. Those are more big negative effects and that's why the dad has stepped in to take the heat for the decision to lock the piano.

My husband is very musical, though he was not a musician. We used to have a baby grand which he loved to play but now we live in a flat so there is no room and he's pretty happy to have a keyboard instead. I would have thought that this would be a great solution,

You can’t learn to play piano on a keyboard.

Pianos are like furniture, they don’t get kept for a single person’s use. You say to your ex that the piano stays unlocked for general use, and if that’s a problem he can have it removed to his house (at his expense of course). In the unlikely event that he actually does take it, a decent acoustic upright is not expensive to buy, plus then there will be a piano at her dad’s house for your DD to practice on when she is there (if there isn’t one already). At grade 5 I promise you she isn’t going to notice if it’s not a Steinway or whatever (unless you / her teacher makes a big deal out of it).

You could make the concession that your elder DD’s practice sessions will take precedence over the younger beginner.

Edit - I see from your update that you are going to allow your ex to dictate to you how you run things in your own house. What a doormat.

He is annoyed and has expressed this when we meet once a year that my having further children has compromised our daughter’s life.

I'm assuming that when the two of you were together he made it clear that he only wanted one child, and that's fine. But I don't think it's really a standard opinion that multiple children lead to lower quality of life for the eldest; perhaps from your daughter's perspective she also GAINS something from having siblings? In any case, your ex cannot control whether or not you have children with someone else once the two of you are no longer together. If he thinks that your daughter is not being properly cared for at your house he can take that to the courts and seek custody (which he won't because he isn't willing to do his share even now). And just as it would not be appropriate for one of you to badmouth the other to your daughter, it is also not acceptable for him to be giving her the idea that her siblings are a burden to her or should not be in her life.

Has he told you what harm he thinks will be done if the other child uses the piano? Perhaps there are ways that his concerns can be alleviated or some compromise can be made. If his reasons aren't sound, I'd tell him the piano will be open in a common area and if he cannot handle that he will need to take it to his place and make time for her to practice there.

This^^

The piano would be unlocked and your eldest DD would be told to leave it that way.

Your EX would be told to stay the fuck out of what goes on in your house. If he isn't happy with that he can come and pick up his instruments.

exDh hasn’t insisted the piano stay at hers. He has a home it could go to and DD could practice there. OP doesn’t want that.

Pianos are shared, ask a musk. Ask a concert pianist. They don’t arrive at the recital venue with their own piano.

@NorthXNorthWest

I understand that there were people on here with no musical experience at all.
But I don’t know how many times it needs explaining that pianos are communal instruments.

OP has clearly stated that this issue has only arisen as if this issue since her other child wanted to learn to play.

Boundaries cut both ways. OP needs to set her boundaries very firmly with the ex and the daughter. It is not a reasonable expectation to put a piano in somebody else’s house and expect that no one else can touch it. OP may not have agreed if she’d known those were the terms. Equally DD needs to learn to share. Trying to carve out a fence around a large object in somebody’s else is home is not reasonable.

If those are the terms he needs to take the piano.

DH is right they just need to buy a new one. Altho it’s likely ex would cave if OP stood up to him. It would cost money to move and where would he store it? He won’t want to upset his dad either.

And I’d say emotionally abusive and likely to fracture their relationship long term. Especially as it an attempt to manipulate her because she is being protective of her things.

Blended families do come with different dynamics. That doesn't change the rules around ownership and boundaries. Gifts bought by a third party, especially a non-resident parent, don’t become community property just because they’re big or sit in a shared space.

What blows my mind is that the OP agreed to the piano being there while clearly knowing that at some point the younger children might want to learn. Maybe she thought it would be convenient for everyone. Free piano for the other children? Maybe she just didn’t think it through. Either way, this is a failure to plan issue on the OP’s part that she is trying to dump on her Ex and daughter.

Ironically that’s the thing that damages children in blended families time and time again.

She can’t undo the damage already done, but she should be trying to learn from it. The 'one big happy family' she wants isn’t going to happen just because she wants it. Blended families work when there’s a balance between what’s reasonable and what’s fair. Right now that balance is being tipped, and it’s her daughter who will shape her views around that. By the OP not managing expectation to the use items owned by other peoples/siblings she will be potentially damaging the relationship between the siblings.

And if the daughter doesn’t want to share, she shouldn’t be shamed into it. Respecting boundaries isn’t unkind. Forcing sharing doesn’t build one big happy family, it builds resentment.

The lack of compassion for a twelve year old and her mental health here is quite staggering.