Elder daughter father giving rules about my younger kids

Is it a grand/baby grand? It's ridiculous if so, having a large instrument clogging up your house that you live in with your current husband and two other children, that 4/5 of your household are not allowed to touch. If your daughter wants the instrument so badly, it either needs to be housed at her dad's where she can go and practice on it if she wants, or she needs to give you the key and stop being silly. It's not great that she's in the middle of this and I feel sorry for her for being in the middle; but she's old enough to make a sensible decision as well, and not be wholly under the control of her father's irrational wishes whilst living under her mother's roof.

Two violins is probably because she's changed size.

We have 1/4 size, 1/2 size, 3/4 size and full sized violins in the house. Ds played the violin from age 5 to 8yo and went through the 3 smaller sizes in quick succession. The full sized is mine.
And at 12yo when she's not fully grown, it may well be that she is between two sizes. I can play full sized, and it's a nicer instrument, but the 3/4 is in some ways more comfortable to play as my hands are small, so if I'm playing nicely I get the full sized one out, but if I'm just having a play about I'd prefer the 3/4.

If she's fully grown out of it, then there might be a discussion with her and her dad about buying it for the younger one, but it shouldn't be a case of her being expected just to hand it over as it's hers.

As an elder sister that’s what would bug me.

Boo fucking hoo.

I can’t imagine every family can afford or find the room for multiple large instruments for each child.

If the family have a piano at home, it is reasonable to expect all the children to be learning piano.

You think one child should be singled out for music lessons?

Can't imagine why he's an ex.

I'd probably just let all the kids play it and tell him to fuck off, but if that causes problems for your eldest it probably isn't the best solution. The ways some people will find to weaponise and not prioritise their children! She has a passion and a talent, why is he being such a dickhead about it because she's also got half siblings? You having more children can't possibly be worse for her than him being such a shit.

Really? Piano is the most common instrument to learn amongst kids - it’s not like the sibling is starting the flute and wants to use that. A piano is massive and the only answer here is to get rid of the ex’s and get one that can be shared

do you know how shit it is being the younger sibling who doesn’t get to do the thing or have the thing because the older sibling got bored etc etc so they don’t want to waste the money again when you want to take up an instrument!

the youngest has started lessons - why is there an assumption she will be banging around on it? That’s the OPs job to make sure she respects the piano - just as she would if it were theirs

If it's his he needs to take it, or pay rent on floor space at the OP's house.

It's petty and downright mean!

that is just being selfish though.

If the child is having piano lessons, and there is a piano at home, the younger child won't be using it unsupervised anyway.

So there is a very easy solution: the fabulous piano goes to dad's and then a cheaper one or a keyboard is made available to all those who need it.

Everything else is not there to be shared, but a piano is a whole other thing.

My comment about not facilitating the music lessons organised by dad on mum's time was more to teach the dad - the child doesn't need to hear about it. The dad can facilitate all the things he arranged. Win-win.

I'm not sure I'd classify this as rules for the younger kids.

Firstly, the violin/flute/guitar are hers. You don't share smaller instrument, as they are personal, but she can be asked to keep them in her room. I'd suggest that anyway to avoid damage.

Piano, my temptation would be to tell him to move it to his house and the teacher comes there. You can get an electric piano that's more than good enough to practice on for both of them. They're smaller as well as volume controlled/headphones. Good news all round :)

However you have said that he isn't normally abusive, so I wonder if there may be more to it than you have said - or even that you realise.

Has your older daughter been stopped practicing because your younger one is using it?
Do the younger ones practice properly on it, or have they been using it as a bit of a fun toy and thumping on it?

If either of those may be true - or true enough your older dd may have complained about it, then it's not quite as clear cut.

In the former, I'd suggest that your older dd says when she wants to practice and your younger one does practice around her. She can't say "I want to practice now, get off" but she does get priority for the time she wants.
The latter, yes I'd agree with locking it. It can be unlocked for the practice time only and your younger one loses that privilege if she does start messing around. You may need to supervise, which tbf is a good idea at that stage anyway.

The other thing I'm just wondering is if there is any history of the older one getting/doing something and then the younger ones getting it off their back.
I was the older one who it felt like this happened a lot. I got/started something; younger brother had to have/do it too.
Often the item needed to do it, that I had bought myself or got for a present, I was expected to just let him have. When this had cost me up to 2 birthday and 2 Christmas presents to get I really resented him getting it for "free"!
I got nothing out of him using it, and he was generally less careful, so it often got dented/spoilt. If I complained, this was me being mean and not sharing. He never got int trouble, even when things were spoilt, nor was it ever replaced/mended.
He was never expected to share up to me with his things, so it was very one sided.
It was also often presented as "now you've got this, isn't it good - he can do it too" so I felt he was only able to do these things because I was providing them.

So if there is a danger that your older one feels like this, then I think there is a discussion that needs to be had. I'd agree that the piano should be shared however if she's feeling this way then you need to keep an eye on things and make sure that she does have things that are hers and she has her own space to do what she wants to do without feeling that her younger siblings will always be there too.

What a nasty piece of work. Roll it out and to the end of your drive and tell him to clme and shift it. Start looking around for pianos for sale, or even being given away, although might need a bit of refurbishment. It wiuld be worth it to stop him dictating who uses what in your home

Is it a very very good piano? At 12 I probably wouldn’t want to share with younger siblings, I used to get so annoyed at having to share everything with my younger siblings just because they decided they wanted to do my hobbies too 😂

Is younger DC likely to want to do it for long? How old are younger DC? If it’s a very good piano you probably don’t want a 4 year old bashing it about.

As others have said you are letting him control what goes on in your house. You are also allowing resentment to develop with the siblings or put a lot of pressure on eldest sibling or she may like the power she has over the younger ones.
Either way its not healthy for dd to be in that position.

Ex doesn't get a say.
Whats he going to do if younger ones use it? If he takes it away replace it.

I'd be taking the key and any spare away. But first, having a really good talk with the piano-playing child about how none of this is her fault and that she shouldn't be involved in adult disagreements.
It might be wise to lock the piano outside normal practise times to ensure there is no chance of careless use, and obviously, the younger child must be carefully supervised when playing. That way, there is no case to argue that the fancy piano is being damaged. It might mean you have to pay for tuning it yourself, but that sounds fair.

Indeed. Also nothing the OP has posted suggests he wouldn't have the piano at his house but that actually she doesn't want it removing because it's such a nice piano.

I'm sure he would be just as happy to buy her a keyboard but I doubt the OP would be content with the piano being relocated.

So why bother with an amazing piano? Just get a "normal" one. Or even better, get a Yamaha keyboard for the other kids (one of the touch sensitive ones) and they will have far more fun with it, and it is much easier to store. And make sure that the elder daughter is allowed to use and and to have fun when she plays it, as well as practice her scales on the "special" piano ...

nah - if older DD has her own piano, she doesn't get to use the electronic one. Fair is fair.

In a family home it’s unreasonable for the dd to have a piano to herself. The other instruments fair enough. She’s not being forced to share every single thing. And tbh having two violins bought outright for her is quite spoilt - is he always so ‘generous’

you run the risk of her believing she is separate from your family and that’s really not healthy.

nice piano can be at his and you can get a bog standard for yours.

Yeah but would the younger sibling even be doing piano lessons if there wasn’t one handily available? As an elder sister that’s what would bug me. I did it so everyone else had to too

Some of these replies are over the top and harsh - stop facilitating and get rid of the piano!

First off individual instruments are for individual use - I would never dream of playing DD flute nor her mine - they are personal and for one persons use

a piano is different but still must be treated with respect another child playing it properly is fine - someone banging on the keys is not

yes but a piano is a whole other ball game.

Anything that is personal or portable, fair enough. But a piano?

Agree with pp that piano goes to dad's and is replaced with one for everyone to use. And if it has to be an electronic keyboard, tough tits.

Just get your own piano and tell him to remove his amazing wonderful fabulous piano within 14 days.

you seem like you’re being a bit of a snob about having this wonderful piano for your child to play.

she’s grade 5 at 12. She’s unlikely to be a concert pianist.

Nope. It’s not a reasonable expectation.

It’s a piano we’re talking about, not a Kylie Cosmetics lip kit.

Her father might as well just buy her a sofa for her own personal use in the family’s living room.

The piano is remarkable and everyone with knowledge of such things remarks on it. If I were to insist it was removed from the house it is only my daughter who would suffer.
My husband’s solution is to buy another piano. I don’t want to do this as not only would the front room look like a music shop but it would mark some kind of division.

It doesn’t matter that the piano is a ‘remarkable piece’ your ex is being an arse and you’re letting him dictate to you. Seriously if my 12 year old had locked a piano I’d have been having serious words with her father expecting her to do that then having a chat with her. Buying another piano also isn’t going to solve this. Are you going to buy another ‘remarkable piece’ so both children have the same? What a silly idea to have 2 pianos because your ex is being a twat. Stand up to him for goodness sake otherwise he’s getting to dictate what happens in your home. Personally, if this was me, he’d have had the phone call to uplift it and another piano would be on order already. I certainly wouldn’t be dictated to and I wouldn’t be allowing any sort of divide to be happening between any of my children.

Yeah that’ll learn ‘em.

Then the daughter can turn round at 25 and say “you never supported me with my music it was all dad”

It won't make the front room look like a music shop if the original piano goes to his. It's reasonable for him to want instruments he bought to be for his DCs exclusive use, but not reasonable to expect those instruments to be kept in someone else's house.

you immediately stop facilitating any of elder daughter's musical activities on your time.

And you get younger sibling an electronic keyboard for their exclusive use unless and until the piano is unlocked.

That's about the best you can do.