Elder daughter father giving rules about my younger kids

To be fair OP grade 5 at 12 your DD is not a super serious musician. She can simply play it at her dad’s house. If she was on track to do grade 8 at 13 and junior college I’d say different.

If he doesn’t want anyone else using his piano he’ll have to arrange collection.

I agree. This is the best solution. I suspect that your ex will realise what a faff this would be, and will agree to your younger child playing the piano.

This. Time his piano reside at his house.

Buy another piano and ask your ex to remove the other one to his house.

Does he have other children?

He is being a dickhead. If moving the piano to his house and buying another one is not practical, could you buy the existing piano from him?

You shouldn’t have to, but it would solve the problem.

Grow a backbone and stop letting your ex rule your life and divide your family. It’s not really about the bloody piano is it? It’s your ex’s jealousy of your new family and his need to control his daughter’s life.

If the piano is that remarkable it is probably wasted on a grade 5. Can’t your elder daughter keep her mouth shut or is she jealous of the younger and enjoys excluding her.

There seems to be jealousy and rivalry between them, surely a big sister would normally enjoy helping a younger one?

Tell your ex and elder daughter that the piano goes to be replaced by a cheaper one unless they can share.

The other instruments - she shouldn’t share.

Have the piano dad bought removed and he deal with it. Buy a family piano for all the children to take the place of the one her dad bought. No need for two then. Petty man he is.

Tell him to collect it because you need a piano that all of your children can use and you don’t have room for 2.

Nobody would expect the elder daughter to share a flute / clarinet / trombone but surely you can see that if you live in a house where 2/3 children play the piano that you are not going to accommodate 2/3 pianos , it’s ridiculous .

Talk kindly to your daughter, unlock the piano permanently and tell him he can't instruct you what to do in your own house. He sounds like a disgruntled prick. What a prince among men putting his own daughter in such a position.

This.

Mean bastard springs to mind. Made even worse by using one child to spite another! Fucking fuckwit!

"The piano is remarkable and everyone with knowledge of such things remarks on it."
So it's a fancy piano. So? It's still just a piano.

"If I were to insist it was removed from the house it is only my daughter who would suffer."
Not of you replace it with another piano, one that you and your current husband own and that can be used by all your children.

"My husband’s solution is to buy another piano.
This is really the only solution possible.

I don’t want to do this as not only would the front room look like a music shop but it would mark some kind of division."
Which is why you tell you ex to pick up his "remarkable" piano as you will be replacing it with your own. As for division - well your ex has caused a division by having your eldest lock the piano away from her sisters. And you will be perpetuating that division if you allow that locked piano to remain in your home - the home of ALL your daughters. Or are you more attached to this "remarkable" piano than to the self-esteem of your daughters?

Offer the money you would have spent on a piano for DD2 to him so it becomes shared.
If he refuses this very reasonable compromise, all bets are off. Just get a second key for it, and unlock it yourself for DD2. That way DD1 does as she's told and if he has issues he comes to you. Then you simply tell him you are not complying with his ridiculous demands. What can he do?

gosh if it is a baby grand? or any size really: charge him rent for floor space...

ETA: agree that if it is for sole use it goes in her room.

He bought the instruments for his daughter. It's sensible for them to be kept at your house. If you want your younger children by another man to use the instruments your ex bought, then either you or the dad of your younger children should pay him a reasonable price, based on the current 2nd hand value and what percentage share of access they will have if the elder daughter will also be using them.

It's very poor parenting from both you and your ex that any of the children are involved in these practicalities, it's encouraging them to create a mental divide about "real" family rather than being focused on the positive relationships.

Yrs

Piano should be shared. We brought piano for my eldest dc but he understood everyone could use it including myself.

However personal instuments like volins and wind should be up to dd what she would like to do as they are hers. I wouldnt expect wind instruments to be shared.

The violins id be chatting to eldest dd to see what she is comfortable with.

It’s not a family piano though. It’s the eldest daughters, bought by her dad for her. It’s not the same.

I agree the only solution is to return this one to dad and buy one both can use. But I suspect the OP doesn’t much fancy that idea…

Musical instruments are expensive and they aren't toys. He bought them, he's paying for the lessons, I think it's a reasonable request to not have your other kids using her instrument and possibly breaking it or having it require tuning and upkeep more frequently. If it's such a "remarkable" piano, I really see his point.

My kids did different instruments and they didn't use the other's instrument.

We always rented because DS went through the sizes so quickly so I understand that but find it odd he bought the smaller when she clearly doesn’t have a great passion for the instrument

I wonder what other things he says and does to ensure there’s a wedge between her and her siblings

Ask him to immediately remove the piano & other instruments that he bought to his own house for use by his daughter while she is there.

Buy piano for your house for all kids to use.

It's him that's punishing your daughter, not you. He's putting her into an intolerable position.

I'd give the piano back to him and get one that both of your daughters can use. That's surely the only answer.

Then the piano that’s solely for your dd goes on her room?

She wants some use she finds space for it.

I can see this from both sides with regards him paying for it but he’s being totally ridiculous in his reaction you you having more children and expecting the to become 2nd fiddle to his DD in their home.