Elder daughter father giving rules about my younger kids

Who says it hasn’t been treated as communal? Obviously a younger sibling that isn’t taking lessons isn’t going to use it for regular practice, but might tinker on it from time to time.

The dd is being unreasonable if she wants to keep the piano for herself. A reasonable parent would explain this to her, not double down on it.

If half-siblings really have disadvantaged the elder dd then that’s very sad, but overcompensating in other unrelated areas will not help matters.

Uprights are still massive, take up a huge amount of space, cost a fortune to move (even across the room) and still need tuning, maintenance etc. I wonder who is paying for the current baby grand to be tuned?

Yes, but parents don’t always get these things right, do they? Allowance can be made for a child of 12, but the adults really need to step up here.

Ok. Still atypical to have 2 pianos. Your mother must have been an unusually particular musician to have dedicated her home to accommodating 2 pianos. OP is not a musician at all. This is not her piano. It is her ex’s piano that he just expects her to accommodate. Maybe she should start charging rent?

well all these years that the eldest child was playing piano she was getting the exclusive benefit of 2 things 1) the piano and 2) the portion of the sitting room that the piano was located in, which was a communal space that the younger children obviously had to give up to their older sibling.

if dd1 and her dad were so fixated on not sharing why weren’t they clamouring to have dd1 designate an equivalent portion of her bedroom as a play area for her half siblings?

i will tell you why: because that would be petty and ridiculous. and they only want petty and ridiculous when it benefits the older kid.

No, I just read OP’s post.

It hasn’t been treated as a family piano because it isn’t one. It’s there for her eldest daughter, not her younger children. OP knew and knows that.

AFAIA, an instrument being considered communal generally isn’t dependent on each family member beginning formal instruction. That the younger daughter started piano lessons does not mean her sister’s piano became available to her.

Does he try poison her sibling relationships in other ways too? what a prat.

I would just be matter of fact about it. “DD, your sister has as much right to learn piano as you do. We do not have space for 2 pianos, so if you & your dad insists that she cannot use this piano then we will have to move it to your dad’s house and get a smaller one which you can share. this will mean you cannot use the grand as much. this is not a good idea in my opinion, but if it’s what you want then go ahead and tell your father to book the removal company. I’m sorry that your dad’s shit stirring has led to this situation which ultimately only disadvantages you.”

You seem a bit passive and ready to accept blame for a situation not of your making. give them the options and let them choose and make it clear “preventing little sister from learning piano” is not on the table.

It's acceptable to OP, her eldest, and the owner of the piano.

Youngest doesn't get a vote. It's not hers.

@outerspacepotato acceptable to who ? Has she asked her younger child if she’s happy with the arrangement ? And as I said where does it end

The 12 year old is unable to set boundaries about her blended family using her gifted things without her permission and her dad stepped in to support her.

Piano, hair dryer, makeup, whatever. She's allowed to have her own stuff and not have to share. Forced sharing is the way to fracture a poorly blended family even more.

OP wants her eldest at hers. She knows that if she hands this gift other kids, OP will likely walk. She's come to an acceptable compromise.

I'd guess it's highly likely that eldest will move in with her dad when she's able to be self sufficient. This family didn't blend, her sibs want to use her stuff, OP was so distracted by new family and moving that eldest dropped 2 grades behind and neither the dad or the stepdad stepped in during that period for support. She's kind of on her own.

It hasn’t been treated as a family piano because until now nobody else played the piano . You seem to know an awful lot about the ins and outs of this family @InterIgnis are you a relative ?

100% this. He needs to remove his property from your home.

I say this as a person with half siblings and as the mother of children who have half siblings. You are a meanie.

That it hasn’t been treated as a communal family piano for the years it has been there does rather suggest she was aware.

He’s not ‘punishing OP’, he’s supporting his child. OP said she knows her daughter doesn’t want to share it, but that she wouldn’t feel able to tell OP that. So instead she went to her father, who could and did.

He said that her having more children had disadvantaged their child at a time when OP readily acknowledges this to be the case.

Ah yes, ‘anyone who says they had a different experience to me is lying’. A classic.

No, we had two. My brother and I shared one.

Wow, so you had 3 separate acoustic pianos in your house growing up, one for each of you? Amazing. Coughliarcough.

If the OP really agreed to this arrangement when the piano arrived then fine, although more fool her. Did she though? I must have missed that post. She seemed quite surprised that her ex was objecting to the younger dd learning to play on it. Very different to allowing a toddler to tinker around under supervision vs an older child taking lessons. In fact, I’d say the latter is far safer in terms of protecting the piano, which just goes to show how petty and vindictive the ex it being. He is punishing the OP for daring to have more children.

I value independence. Obviously you and the OP do not.

Lol. My mother had and has her own piano, and my brother and I were provided with our own (unfortunately, we didn’t get our own harp, but alas). Mine wasn’t and isn’t the only family I know that did and does the same.

How convenient it is that OP doesn’t require your agreement.

You can have whatever opinion you like. I think it’s fine to consider the consequences of your actions, yes. Sensible, in fact. Whether you, I, or anyone deem it ‘okay’ or not is irrelevant. Philosophical musings as to what should be do not change the material reality of what is. Nor does it matter that she doesn’t ‘need’ a baby grand - her father is able and willing to provide one for her, and her mother is able and willing to house it. She doesn’t have to ‘need’ it in order to have it.

OP has had the piano for years. Her youngest daughter only recently started using it, and prior to this the younger children had only been allowed to use it on a couple of occasions when their sister invited them to, and supervised them. So yes, it was clearly established that this wasn’t ever intended to be a communal piano for OP’s family.

He expects OP to stick to what was agreed. If he and OP decided that he would buy a pony and OP would muck it out, then why would it be unreasonable for him to expect her to do just that? He didn’t force the piano on OP and it’s not there for his benefit. They agreed together to do this for their daughter.

Obviously I don’t mean that (I think that was me!) I’m referring to the agreement that no one other that the elder dd is to be allowed to play it. I don’t think there is evidence to suggest that the OP knew that was what she was signing up for at the time of the piano‘s arrival.

You are clearly not musical 🙄 an upright piano still takes up a huge amount of space and costs a fortune to move. I agree that the OP could get one to accommodate both girls but not in addition to the baby grand - to replace it, if that’s what the ex dictates.

FYI - baby grands are often cheaper to buy than uprights because they are so much harder to accommodate.

Did OP agree to this in the first place? I can’t remember her saying so, it seems to have come as a surprise to her.

How do you stealth move a baby grand in? 😂

She did agree and the piano has been there 2 and a half years already.

The reason he can’t have her 50/50 is that it doesn’t fit in with his lifestyle/career.

As per the OP’s posts.

But don’t let facts get in your way.

Lets face it - we can guess how this went. Disney dad buys unsuitable gift for child. RP knows that to say “no” makes her the bad parent. This is hardly a new scenario, especially with high earning NRPs who are too busy for 50/50 and throw money at the child instead of being there for the hard yards.

I would have said “no" to a relative wanting to buy something this size for exclusive use of one child but most parents after divorce struggle to do this for good reason. They don’t want the child to be in the middle of an argument or to be the “bad” parent. I’ve seen this exact situation play out over and over, not usually with a baby grand but certainly with buying unsuitable gifts.

The OP really needs to state her own boundaries - stuff in communal space has to be communal or removed, not pandering to an ex trying to control her family via the DD. Its mostly unhealthy for the DD in this situation and her future relationship with her siblings.

You think it’s ok for a household to fear retaliation from an ex? I’m of the opinion that it is better to live a slightly more frugal yet independent life than be beholden to a controlling ex.

I used ‘luxuries’ in inverted commas because I really don’t believe a 12 year old grade 5 pianist needs a £9/10k piano over and above the welfare of her family. I got to diploma level on a piano that would probably retail at <£1k today. Our family piano is worth <£3k even thought our household income is over £300k. The OP bending over backwards to accommodate her ex is insanity.

What’s next? Is he going to buy dd a pony and expect OP to muck it out every day? Maybe a set of gymnastic equipment that takes over the entire garden and no one else can use?

Did OP agree to this in the first place? I can’t remember her saying so, it seems to have come as a surprise to her.

Hmm.

1. the piano moves straight to his house & he will facilitate the piano teacher to come and teach at his house
2. you get your own piano for both your children to share 😊