Elder daughter father giving rules about my younger kids

Sadly I think despite the piano being lovely you need to ask that he keep it as his house if he is going to try and control who uses it and buy one for your home that everyone can use.
Some really lovely ones do come up fairly reasonably priced as people downsize etc and as they are very substantial pieces many have nowhere to go.
It interesting he believes that by you having more children you have negatively impacted your eldest, did he only want one child so that resources would all go to them when you were together?

She is 12. She isn't a cheeky cow ffs.

Her father is driving this.

I quite agree that this shouldn't be allowed to continue, but let's not name call such a young girl.

Yep

and op doesn’t seem to mind the younger daughter suffering because she won’t be able to play piano

its punishing all your children to let this absurd behaviour continue

I think no matter if the piano is remarkable, you will have to insist your ex has it in his home. You say your older daughter will suffer if you have a different one. Maybe a little. But since you can't have two your younger daughter is entirely disadvantaged now. I think you need to maintain control of your space and you can't expect to have it all ways if your ex insists on being an arse.

It’s very petty of your ex and putting your daughter in an awkward position of being unable to share it with her siblings. If he won’t change his mind can there be some compromise such as you offer to buy a half share in the piano so your other DC can use it?

If I were to insist it was removed from the house it is only my daughter who would suffer.

She could still play it at his house?

It's not reasonable for him to dictate what happens in your house.

No

her husband has suggested they get another and have two pianos 🙄

This.

I would tell ex that either he takes the special piano to his house and facilitates all lessons and practice or it is a shared family asset.
No house needs two pianos for mainstream level playing!

It's your house. Her father tells her to lock it, you tell her not to. Why are his instructions above yours? Can you take the key?

Your 12 year old is controlling you and the household!!! YOU are the parent!! She needs to hand over that key NOW and be told very bloody clearly that that is NOT her decision or anything else!! It’s in YOUR house and until she moves out and pays rent herself and takes the piano with her that piano is YOUR family’s property and for everyone to use!!! Cheeky cow!!!

I have a similar set-up OP. The musical instruments are all at mine, except they are for both girls use. For all the issues with my ex, this level of pettiness wasn't one of them.

He is forcing your hand unfortunately. I would be upfront and say buying a second piano isn't the issue, space is. So ask him when he can arrange collection for the piano. Say it and mean it. Hopefully, he will back down. Meanwhile, explain to your DD12 how unreasonable it is to have a piano her sister cannot use, while you also don't have space to buy her her own piano.

Keep it factual, without blaming her dad.

Hope you get it sorted. Your ex is being ridiculous and unnecessarily spiteful.

It’s not a family piano though. It’s the eldest daughters, bought by her dad for her.

In reality, this just isn’t how things work.

A piano is a large item that needs to be accommodated using shared space in the family home. It is not reasonable to have such an item in your home solely for one person’s use.

It’s as absurd as having a sofa in the living area for one person’s use.

This is the reality of being a sibling. You don’t buy each child their own playhouse for the garden. Some children share games consoles. Larger items are always shared, because families do not have the money or space for each child to have their own. Nor is it a healthy way to raise a family.

But it’s not about that. Try and see the past “but it’s HER piano” for a second, to realise how divisive and damaging to the DD and her relationship with her younger siblings this is. And that that is perhaps the goal.

I agree the only solution is to return this one to dad and buy one both can use. But I suspect the OP doesn’t much fancy that idea…

The OP has already said her husband has suggested they get rid of the piano and buy another. I suspect she is just in shock about being put in this situation at all.

I'd tell him if it's in my house it is unlocked and he can't control it. If he chooses to remove it he is the one causing suffering to your DD.

report him to the police? report him to the police?????? Ok the father is a dick but good grief that’s bloody ridiculous 😆

Its ridiculous but I'd have him have the piano collected and kept at his house.

Eldest can have her lessons there and use it when there and you buy a family piano for your house

Shame that he's so petty but I wouldn't want daughters in the middle of that so simplest way is to have one, family piano for your house

This!
Tell him you don't have room for 2 so he will need to remove his to his home (reasonable if he bought it for daughter then he should keep it at his home) and you will buy one for everyone in your home to use. Give him deadline. It's not unreasonable of him to stop someone using something bought... but it's bloody cheeky when it's residing in your home so shut it down immediately

Your poor older daughter having to follow his instructions. What a dickead he is.
Depends on your circumstances of course, but possibly i would deadline him to collect the piano by a certain date otherwise it will be sold and you get the proceeds and then you can buy your own piano that ALL of your children can use. Or maybe you have the money and space for two pianos, that would be fun if you did. I'd be nipping this stupid stuff in the bud but equally refusing to engage in long drawn out debates with him or your oldest being used to do his dirty work for him.

whatever you do don't let it drag on, this kind of behaviour is soooo damaging.

You do need to tell your ex that either he keeps the instruments at his house, and all music lessons are at his house or he accepts that instruments at your house are used by your family.

You cannot have your daughter locking it up. Imagine the long term damage that will do to her relationship with her siblings

Oh, he's not worried about his daughter, he'd never put on this ridiculous charade if he were, the knob. He's angry that OP had the gall to move on with her life rather than dying of love for him.

"He is annoyed and has expressed this when we meet once a year that my having further children has compromised our daughter’s life."

@Dazedandconfusec , what poison has he been dripping into her ear about her little sisters? Telling her to lock the piano away from them suggests to me he's saying other things to her about her little sisters 'compromising' her.

Perfect. Eldest doesn't have to get involved so it'll only be between you and him and she's not in a difficult position, Dad can't refuse without looking like even more of a knob than he already does, kids can all use the piano.

Of course that’s what will happen. He’s just throwing his weight around.

wtf?

the real issue here is that he is trying to create a wedge and encourage your daughter to see her siblings as somehow separate for her. That’s quite sad really.