Elder daughter father giving rules about my younger kids

^This.

Your ex can shove his sparkly piano where the sun doesn't shine.

*it would have been a bit like our eldest saying his little sister couldn’t have a ride on his pony . Presumably your suggestion would have been buy another pony just so the little one could have a 10 minute walk round once a week”

I think this is a good analogy- as in both cases, the wider family is bearing the cost of the upkeep of the “thing not be shared” (for @tinyspiny feeding and housing the pony, for the OP, housing the piano in a family home she is maintaining and heating). Neither is something a child can own independently without support/space from the family. It also occurs to me that OP hasn’t mentioned the younger DD’s father - does he live in the house? If so, presumably he is contributing to the upkeep of the house and the room to facilitate this piano?

I’d be having very strong words with the ex. Yes - the piano belongs to the older DD and when she’s in a position to move out, she can take it with her. But if she needs it to be kept in a family space in the family home, then it’s for use by the family.

Before doing anything, I'd talk to the oldest daughter.

Explain that having a piano each isn't a practical solution.

Offer two options - either she shares the current piano with anyone in the home that wishes to learn piano, or that piano goes back to Dad and a new, potentially not as nice, piano is purchased for the household.

See which she would prefer, and make it clear that Dads opinions here are irrelevant, its only her preferences you're interested in.

Me, I would tell him to come and collect the piano and "kindly stick it up your arse". And make sure he realises that if he doesn't collect it promptly it'll be pushed out into the street.

Then I'd buy my children a much nicer piano.

Have you asked your ex how he would feel if the father of your other children decided to punish his daughter for her existence and impact on their lives…?

Indeed.

I can’t imagine there would be posters screeching “but it’s HER piano” if the OP’s husband had bought a piano solely for the younger DD’s use, and locked it up so that the elder DD couldn’t use it.

Have you asked your ex how he would feel if the father of your other children decided to punish his daughter for her existence and impact on their lives…? His behaviour is damaging his daughters relationship with their sibling which will have a life long effect.

If there is an instrument such as a piano in the house then it does need to be communal. You need to remove the key from her.

She could charge rent retrospectively for all the time it has been there!

He is being a prat. As well as becoming talented herself, your eldest daughter needs to learn to live sharing. She should take joy in a shared passion with her younger sibling. She will gain valuable skills from teaching her the piano in an ad hoc way from time to time. Essentially, if she can’t do this, the piano will have to go.

Well that wouldn’t wash in our house , it would have been a bit like our eldest saying his little sister couldn’t have a ride on his pony . Presumably your suggestion would have been buy another pony just so the little one could have a 10 minute walk round once a week .

Tell him he needs to rent space in your house to house the piano. Then tell him you plan to use the rental money to pay for a keyboard for your younger daughter. What an ah

100% what i would be doing.

Totally unfair gir your ex to put that pressure on your daughter.

If my ex arranged for a piano to be delivered to my house I’d have told him to F off! Pianos are enormous, keep it in your own house.
Having items belonging to your ex in your home creates the opportunity for conflict, he’s now calling the shots in your house and creating disharmony. I know it’s seen as ‘daughters piano’ but it’s still a big ask to keep it at your house.

Get his piano out of your house pronto, get your own family piano.

This - sorry, but she is 12yo and grade 5, not a musical virtuoso whose concert pianist career is at risk. Both OP and her ex are being precious about DD’s music practice. The ‘special’ piano can go to the ex’s and they can buy a new shared one for their own home.

And I say that as a person who is grade 8 on multiple instruments and has an ex conservatoire Yamaha piano in her home - in a place where anyone can play it. It is robust enough as an instrument to be played by inexperienced/novice players. Other instruments of significant delicateness and value (a solid silver flute in my case, but understandably a violin in the OP’s daughter’s case) can be kept separately and not shared.

And regardless of whether OP feels her ex was coercive and controlling within their relationship THIS insisting that DD locks her piano to prevent others access is definitely coercively controlling. He is dictating how she uses/shares her instrument, he is controlling its use within the OP’s home and he is doing so to undermine the DD’s relationship with her sibling and her mother. It is abusive.

I absolutely would not stand for this on any level.

It isn’t his house anymore so he can’t make rules up like this. If he’s unhappy about it, he can break his daughter’s heart and remove the piano which he won’t do unless he’s a total cockwomble. Ignore him.

Simple, buy a piano (or get one of the many being offered free online) for all dc to use and your eldest DD’s can go to her dads. Your eldest can use the new piano

Just buy them a keyboard.

And practice it at exactly the same time as the other one is using the piano?!

I wonder if the 12 year old has complained about her younger sister using it, particularly if she’s wanted to use it at the same time.

OP is delighted that she doesn’t have 50/50 with her ex. If OP has the piano removed she risks her daughter casting her own vote on that, with her feet.

it is fair enough for the other instruments.
But a piano is in a family room and takes up space. Nobody in their right minds is going to get a fold out keyboard and show younger child that they are "less than" in their own home.

I would first ascertain what DD actually thinks. And if it is that her dad is right and piano is for her sole use? it goes in her bedroom or to his house.

And OP gets another piano for everyone to use.

@Dazedandconfusec what is the sibling relationship like generally?

The youngest would get a keyboard. The piano is eldest's and if it's such a remarkable one, shouldn't be banged on by kids playing around and used for beginner lessons by another child.

Does he have insurance on it? What is this, a Bösendorfer?

Like I said, my kids didn't touch the other's instruments. And one of them was a keyboard.

Also, if he takes piano to his house, how is she supposed to practice daily? OP said she wants her oldest there with her. If she's serious about learning, she needs daily practice

Torn on this because it is your DD’s piano and not yours to decide who uses it - but obviously having two pianos would be nuts unless you have some kind of mansion. Discuss this with your ex as calmly as possible, conceding that it your DD’s property but also that he will have to store it u less you come to some kind of compromise. I’d say allowing the younger one to use it for taught lessons and 30 mins of scheduled practice a day is fair, if your DD agrees.

You’ve not mentioned what your daughter thinks. There’s a STRONG chance she doesn’t want her kid sister playing her instruments.

I think you’re being hugely unfair.

Get the youngest a fold out keyboard for her room until she’s proficient at least.

if he is going to take this stance then the only options really seem to be telling him to collect it regardless of how special it is and getting your own. Alternatively, if he is going to be that petty you point out he is storing the piano at yours and that the fee for storage/rent is not being so daft re locking the piano.

regardless of the outcome you need to deal with ex direct as your mutual child is in an impossible situation.

Tell him to take the piano to his house and he can organise the lessons.
We got my DD a piano as they played it the most but others can use it if they want.
If he takes the piano, just get a cheap keyboard to practice on at yours, she can use the main piano at his.
He is being a d!ck.

But the OP doesn’t want 2 pianos (who would 😂), so she can just replace the current one with the one her husband has suggested they buy.

Tell your ex to collect his piano and move it to his place as are buying a piano that all the children can use. If he objects to this, be plain, he has options:

1. The piano stays and all children have unrestricted use
2. He removes the piano to his home for your elder daughter's sole use
3. He sells the piano to get it out of your house
4. He sells the piano to you and your husband.

If he says refuses the sensible suggestions - and the 4th option seems ideal - move it outside (garage if you can or cover it over) and buy your own.