Elder daughter father giving rules about my younger kids

Mad! It's a piano! As someone who plays and has a music degree, it pains me when instruments are misused, but to practise when having lessons is a whole different matter! No-one touches my violin (if they were good I'd let them) but all sorts of people play the piano - friends of the (now adult) dcs, visitors...

Very sad to have a lovely instrument no-one can use and very unfair on your dd.

It’s hers and was bought for her. OP doesn’t get to unilaterally decide it’s communal property. If OP wants to change the rules to make private property into communal, or change the rules to say her daughter can’t store her stuff in communal areas, that’s her call but she needs to send the piano either to the older DD’s bedroom or dad’s house.

He's being incredibly petty, and punishing you and your younger children for having them.

I'd be telling him that the piano will not be being locked, and that it's unreasonable of him to expect your shared daughter to behave in this way towards her siblings, it's unkind, selfish, and mean.

Then I'd make it very clear, that if he outright won't change his stance on this, he either collects the piano within 7 days, or he starts paying you storage fees for it. Say £50 per week.

I'd also point out, whilst he's such a petty person, that you and your children are unable to use the shared family room it's in whilst your shared daughter practices and have her lessons, so you'll be charging him rent to cover that also, unless he wises up and stops being so damned petty and unreasonable.

It is outrageous that he would buy her such a large instrument that is being kept in shared family space and forbid others from using it.

There are always people giving away pianos online, try facebook marketplace, you'll just need to pay for a specialist removal firm and a piano tuner.

I certainly wouldn't be dancing to your ex-husband's tune, he's bitter as fuck and it's very ugly.

I’m in a couple of minds about this. The problem is, a piano needs to be played and tuned to stay in good condition (and, ideally, kept at a constant temperature and humidity). Some of the suggestions (like putting it in the garage or into storage) will leave it being almost useless.

I can understand this dude being a bit peeved that the younger children are using the expensive piano BUT not to the extent of telling his daughter to lock it. I suspect that he hasn’t realised how peculiar this looks.

Realistically, a piano takes up a lot of wall space. A grand piano / baby grand takes up even more room - for this reason, I hope that isn’t what you have. One option would be to offer the value of the piano to him so it becomes yours - but second hand pianos are not worth as much as you might expect. He is likely to expect a lot more than you should offer, particularly if it is a grand piano.

The other option is that you tell him that this is creating drama within your house so you will arrange for the piano to be delivered to his (this will be expensive, piano movers are a skilled bunch). It will need tuning once it has been moved but that will be his problem.

A violin, flute, guitar, these are personal instruments. A piano is not and it's totally unreasonable for him to try and restrict use of a piano solely to one child in the household. He's an actual cunt for telling your DD to lock it. I would have a quiet chat with your DD and say this in a more polite way and that the piano is for use by the household, or it goes to her dad's and you will buy a piano for your family. I would not encourage her to have music lessons at his house as this rewards his appalling behaviour and pushes your DD away. If your DD is really sensible, I would ask her who would know if she 'accidentally forgot' to lock the piano. I know you don't want him to take the piano, @Dazedandconfusec , but you can't let him dictate to your family like this.

I voted YANBU, things should be shared.

BUT I would say your elder daughter is 12, Grade 5 and multiple instruments. She is obviously pretty good at music and practicing and the piano is 'remarkable', so I am guessing high-end and will last her lifetime with care and attention.

What age is your younger daughter? And does she often have friends round to the house?. .. Are they of an age to treat it with respect?

Because I loved having a piano in our house that I did not care about... Any kid could bash away on it and they certainly did, most kids take a bit of care and it is a joy to hear them have a go, but some - all they want to do is crash/bash down on it, slamming the lid etc which would make me wince. On a beautiful piano, it would be a sin.

He may be advocating for his daughter, who doesn’t want her sister using the piano. If so, she’s not going to blame her father for taking it away, but her mother and sister for making it so she can’t have it at her main residence.

OP, like it or not, does have less control over a 12 year old who can choose to spend more time, or even the majority of time, at her father’s house. That isn’t an option available to her siblings.

Google the Kanneh-Masons. They have serious talent and book time on the families piano(s) so all 6 of them get a turn. They all play multiple instruments amazingly well. They don't have a dick for a dad of course.

I’d tell him to get it taken away and buy a replacement. Absolutely ridiculous example to be setting his daughter.

I’d get him to take it back and you buy another piano. However you don’t want to do that, or buy another one and have two (understandable). So you get him to agree the younger daughter can use it, and if he won’t, she doesn’t use it. Petty of him, but if you won’t give it back/buy another, I see no other option.

This would be my solution.

But I have to say, an upright is very different to play than a keyboard. But it sounds like she might have a baby grand.

Then ex can house the piano if it is only for her use, unless he’s like to pay rent for the space it takes up in the family home.

If he’s not a complete controlling dickhead - then highlight the unreasonableness and that ultimately the person who will suffer is DD1 - I’m sure he bought her such a good piano as he wanted her to have a good piano, he also won’t want it taking away.

Just message him and say that your younger children are also having piano lessons. You don’t have space for 2 pianos in your front room and there’s not enough space in dd1’s bedroom to put her piano. So either he needs to accept it will be used for practice /lessons by all the children in the house or he removes it to his house and DD1 can share her younger siblings’ piano if she wants to practice at your home. If he is going to remove the piano it needs to be gone by end of next weekend so you can get the replacement delivered.

It’s annoying that DD1 will end up with an inferior piano if he goes with this option but you can’t have the position that she controls what happens in your house and certainly can’t have him controlling the relationship with dd1 and her younger siblings

But it is your daughter’s piano. A gift from her dad. It isn’t your family property. So yes your husband’s right a seperate piano is needed for the daughter you have with your new husband - considering she has just started you can’t even be certain she’ll keep it going. So a cheaper piano for her is fine.

That IS being controlling and showing your younger children that they are not accepted by the father of their sibling.
Sad.

Get a good electric keyboard. If your younger children have an aptitude for piano you can rethink in a few years. If they don't it'll all be over in 5 minutes.

you are correct, I got meddled, but that's still the only solution, it will be easy and keep everyone happy

That's your home. We did things differently. A piano can be a personal instrument just like a violin or trumpet.

It's not a toy to be shared. It's a musical instrument bought specifically for one person's use.

It’s not the ex that is suggesting a new separate piano - it’s her current DH and father of the younger child.

It sounds like he is claiming authority over the piano as if it is his property. If so, logically, this is his property being stored in your house (to simply enable its use by your daughter). IF he rigidly enforces this he needs to pay you for storing this at your house as it’s stopping you getting an instrument for more extended use.
Ask him to pay for the storage.

This is in addition to the unhelpful dynamic it brings into your household.

Yes, the above is petty, but it’s simply an attempt to help him understand how petty he his being.

You can't have it both ways. He's being petty, and it's not going to work anyway, but there's a very easy solution

He should take the piano back, so it's safe and his daughter uses it at his.

He would be generous to buy another piano for your house, if it's not of your liking, buy a more expensive one yourself?

He is controlling. He is telling you what your DC can do in your house. Send the piano back to ex and buy one as your DH is suggesting.

It isn’t his house, but it is his piano he’s allowing his daughter to keep at her main residence. He may very well remove it if OP persists.

If he’s acting because his daughter has complained about her sister using it, he’s likely not going to be the one that gets the blame for the piano being removed. In DD1’s eyes, her father may be the one on her side, backing her up. Her mother and her sister will be the reason she can’t have her piano at her mother’s house. If her father is willing and able to have her more, she could easily decide to choose this, which is something that OP does not want.

I think first things first, if you haven't already, have a good chat with your eldest to see how she's feeling about it. Maybe on a walk do it's just the two of you and feels less confrontational and no.other family members about.

I'd ask her how she thinks her dad would feel if she didn't obey him, and how she'd feel as a result of that. I wouldn't get into a discussion about what you're going to do, I'd say something like "thank you for giving me your perspective, I will hold it in mind when I make my decision about what happens next. There's a chance whatever I decide will leave someone feeling upset, but I'm the adult in our home and I will have to do what I think is right".

I would say that because she needs modelling that it is not ok for people to act pettily (her dad) or to go along with something that is wrong because of your own feelings (her - whether she is scared or feeling angry herself).

I worry if you allow him to get away with this, and end up with 2 pianos, you're setting a bad example for her. He's not controlling you, as people are suggesting, he's controlling her. Show her how to stand up to that.

..it’s not a Steinway is it?