Elder daughter father giving rules about my younger kids

Omg, he is an absalute disgrace and should be ashamed of himself.

He is mean and selfish and an utter disgrace. His actions could lead to your younger children feeling like they don't matter due to blatant favouritism.....I understand, your DD is his DD.

Just make sure you communicate to your younger children thier self worth is precious and as their mum you know the best way to do this.

Doesn't it? OP states father bought her the instruments and they are kept at her house.

I'd like to see case law on someone trying to rescind a present in this way.

If OP decides to let her younger child use the piano, I see a difficult situation for the daughter, who will potentially feel compelled to lie to her father when he asks her if she's keeping the piano locked.

The best solution imo is for the piano to go back to one of his two residences where her daughter can use it and the OP buys a budget piano for both kids to play at her home.

Can you not have a discussion with your daughter about it and look for a solution together? I.e. you don’t have the space for two so if she isn’t willing to share then it may be the case that you will have to just have one in the home for everyone. She may then change her mind about being quite mean with the piano. At grade 5, a lesser piano will not hold her back at all. I got to grade 8 on pretty basic level instruments!

An electric piano and a keyboard are two different things. If you want your younger daughters to have piano lessons, get an electric piano.

At 12, she's fast rising on an age where she may decide to do that anyhoo, piano or no piano.

I highly doubt it tbh. He allows her use of it at her main residence, but that doesn’t make it her property.

Even if he did, it would be hers. Not OP’s.

I suspect the OP is terrified that her daughter will simply
spend more time at her dads, to be fair. She also hasn’t said what the daughters actual view on this is (unless I have missed it)

It would be unfair on her to have to play an inferior piano at my house.

She’s grade 5.

Behave.

Your solution isn't particularly good, OP. I'd have a think about a better one.

It would be unfair on her to have to play an inferior piano at my house.

Your ex has still got you by the short and curlies if you believe that. The one who is being unfair is your ex. He is a dog in the manger, he is jealous of your other children, and he is training your eldest to be the same. That's more important than whether she gets to practice on an "inferior" piano.

By all means facilitate the lessons. But keep the piano to herself? No. The person who would be most disadvantaged if you don't knock this silliness on the head is your eldest DD. Your ex is doing a great job using music to drive a wedge between her and her siblings. Right in the middle of your living room.

I’m sorry, but just spit my tea out at the comment that DD12 ‘should not have to play an inferior piano’… she’s grade flipping 5. She’s not even good enough to audition for a music school at that level (unless she has G8 in a second instrument?). She may love it, she may even have some natural talent but both OP and her ex are being very very precious.

In her shoes, I would have refused to allow the gift at the outset and told him to put the money in a trust fund and IF DD ever reaches Grade 8 and starts to prep for the professional performance certificate or decides to apply to music school/BMus degrees think about buying one then.

Frankly both OP and ex are being snobs and long-term her two daughters will end up with a huge rift between them.

How is it his piano? He gifted it to his daughter, surely.

It’s his piano.

Why wouldn’t he remove it if OP did that? It would require little effort on his part to arrange for it to be moved and placed in one of his houses.

I would not have let someone else's baby grand over the front door.

I mean honestly I would just ignore the instruction to lock it! I’d take the key off 12 year old dd and explain to her that it’s your house and your rules and it’s not fair to refuse her siblings use of it. So it just wouldn’t be happening. What’s he going to do? As a compromise I’d be ok with locking it and keeping the key myself and unlocking when it’s practice time, including for the younger ones. I would supervise them on it. I assume his worry is that they will damage it? So I’d make sure that didn’t happen but I wouldn’t be dictated to in my own home.

If ex doesn’t like it I guess he’ll remove the piano and you’ll buy a new one. But he won’t go to that effort realistically.

But instead you will do that to your other daughter? This is a really unpleasant message to your younger daughter and your older one sounds quite unpleasant if she thinks this is the right thing to do.

Perhaps because she’s told her father that she’s unhappy with her siblings using it, and doesn’t want them to.

Why would she lie if this if her sister not being able to play her piano is precisely what she wanted?

That’s fine and that’s your decision but don’t be surprised in years to come when this blatant favouritism bites you on the bum .

Your ex got your daughter a baby grand for your house? And you don't want it removed so you can fit your own piano because you don't want her playing an inferior instrument? Do I have this right?

It would be unfair on her to have to play an inferior piano at my house.

It's to some degree her choice to do that

Why is she even discussing the stupid fucking piano with him?
Why doesnt she jist say "okay my sisters stopped playing on it"
How would he even know ?

In her shoes id just lie.

If she wants to be a dog in a manger then she gets a crapper piano.

He is being very unreasonable and controlling.

Op has to deal with the reality she has, not the reality she or anyone else thinks she should have. There’s no neat solution here that offers OP what she wants. There’s only a solution she can best live with.

The oldest child can potentially be forced to share, but that isn’t the same thing as her wanting to share, or instilling into her the value of sharing with her siblings as being a good thing. It can instead instill the opposite. Op can want her daughter to share her own mindset, but her daughter is an individual in her own right, and she doesn’t have to.

The children are the same to OP, but they are not the same. Her eldest has a different father, and by the sounds of it that father has got significant wealth that he will use to benefit his daughter. I suspect OP and her husband cannot provide their shared children with the same. Her eldest also has options that her siblings do not - she is at an age where she can choose to spend more time with her father, and may do so if OP tries to force her into sharing with her siblings if she doesn’t want to (and it sounds like OP is well aware that this could indeed happen).

She can only enforce sharing if she’s prepared to accept her daughter spending more time at her father’s house, or even changing her main residence entirely (which would also mean not only losing time with her daughter, but losing the maintenance he pays, and becoming liable for it herself). She’s made it clear that this isn’t something she’s willing to countenance.

What you'd say to this is "I don't want to do, this but unfortunately your father isn't being flexible. We have no space for two pianos and it would be crazy, in any case. As a family we share, and it's no hardship to him if your sibling uses it as well. If he can compromise, so can I. I'm more than happy for the piano to stay here, but can't agree to unreasonable conditions. Let him decide where the piano goes'.

She needs to know that HE is the one dictating this, not you. Which is true.

You’ve missed one out OPs eldest daughter + ex h = running the household of OP + new husband , which is the one that the OP has chosen .

Tedious is definitely the word! Bitter bastard too.