Elder daughter father giving rules about my younger kids

@Dazedandconfusec a good keyboard is the way to go. They may lose interest before they get to grade 2.

No, that isn’t the same thing as giving it to her. He allows her to have it to use in her main residence. That does not mean he has legally relinquished ownership of it (and I’m sure he has all the necessary paperwork to prove that it belongs to him). OP isn’t at liberty to assume ownership of it because it’s in her house or is being used by her daughter.

She may have gone to her father about her sister using it in the first place. I’m sure at 12 she knows her father could have it moved to his, and that may be her preferred outcome if her mother insists on it being used communally. She likely to blame her mother if the piano gets moved, not her father. Rather than encouraging sharing, forcing the issue could instead result in her daughter resenting her and her younger siblings, and encourage her to do exactly what OP doesn’t want her to.

Yes, she could make the decision to live with her father no matter what, but that doesn’t mean that OP wants to do anything to encourage this happening.

Anyone in the house can play a piano unless they are "playing" it in a way that will break it. If you ex bought that piano and doesn't want your other children playing on it he can have it moved to his house at YOUR convenience and HIS expense. If you bought it, he has no say and can buy your daughter (his daughter) one for her exclusive use at his house. Unless you let your younger children play it by walking on it....?!

I think the piano needs to go and any gifts your ex wants to buy his daughter need to be ones that can be kept in her bedroom.
I understand his point that it was bought for his daughter, and I can see her being annoyed that a younger sibling is being allowed to access it (imagine if this was a smaller toy most people would say it's not fair to make them share). An item this size obviously does need to be for the family to use and currently that isn't likely to happen so he needs to remove it/sell it and you and your husband need to buy a piano/keyboard what ever you can afford for your household that all children can use.

Put your bloody foot down for the sake of ALL your children. Otherwise, you will for sure come to regret it.

You physically cannot have a piano that only one person in the house is allowed to use. That is fucking bonkers.

Your eldest will be fine practicing on a cheaper piano, the keys are all in the same place.

Tell him either its shared or its out.

It's a piano in a sitting room in the house. No reason why everyone should not use it. It's not an oboe or a clarinet or even a violin, which one would not expect to share.
It could be moved into DD's bedroom, perhaps?

Sorry there might be some confusion... I might be wrong but I thought you said you were considering buying your younger child a piano. I thought you said your ex bought the piano for your DD, so instead of buying another i wondered if it was possible to give your ex half or some money then both children can use the piano. Sorry if I misunderstood what you said @Dazedandconfusec

Why don't you buy a keyboard for your younger daughter?

Your other daughter will just need to accept that at some point she has a different family dynamic.

I am absolutely sure that even at her tender age, she's aware they have different dads.

But as PPs have said, the idea of claiming exclusive rights to a frigging piano in the family home is nuts and really destructive, which is why this dickhead is doing it. He's trying to drive a wedge into the family to punish OP for not dying of love for him, and to ruin the sibling relationship because he wishes the sibling didn't exist.

I think that's really tough. The piano was a gift to your daughter and she doesn't actually have to share it. Your other daughter will just need to accept that at some point she has a different family dynamic. Your ex is being a wanker all the same.

OP doesn’t say he bought the piano to give to her.

He HAS given it to her. It's in her house. As I say, I'd like to see how this sort of thing has ever played out in a court (if indeed it has).

Why would she feel compelled to lie if she doesn’t want her sister using it?

Because if OP forces her to share usage of the piano with her sister, then the older girl may feel compelled to lie to her father out of fear he will take the gift/loan/whatevs BACK since his instructions aren't being followed.

She’s made it clear her daughter spending more time with or at her father’s is not something she wants at all.

Well, as I said in another thread, she's 12. Fast approaching the age where that choice will be taken out of OP's hands.

I just can't fathom how/why OP ever agreed to let a baby grand piano over the threshold in the first place. It seems an insane thing to buy for someone on the condition it would have to be kept at his ex wife's house.

Oh, OP, you made a terrible decision there.

Except when you take this comment

He sees her often, they have a good and close relationship but and I have to confess I am delighted, that he can’t have her 50:50 as I want her with me.

Why can’t he have 50:50 … court order, job, something else?

I agree. But that’s the way some families operate.

My in-laws have this vibe with one of my sisters-in-law. Let them away with absolute murder because they are so terrified of being cut off. It’s infuriating for the rest of us to be honest. But it is what it is.

I suspect the OP is terrified that her daughter will simply spend more time at her dads, to be fair.

It’s absolutely ludicrous that this would be an outcome, or that the other parent would enable this outcome, simply because a reasonable rule about an item in their own home has been set.

The OP operating on this being an outcome isn’t healthy or helpful for anyone.

The DD is 12. No child should be given this level of power or control.

Also the worst thing you can do to a piano is not play it, so in fact your other daughter playing it is doing them both a favour, especially if DD1 is away for a weekend…

The OP said upthread that she thinks DD doesn't really want to share. Well who would? A bit of selfishness and step/sibling jealousy is normal. But that's not the point. Eldest DD has other instruments from her father which are just for her and the OP and family have respected that. So it will do her no harm to learn that some things need to be shared and that her father doesn't get to put things in someone else's living room and then make the rules about who can use them.

The ex didn't tell the OP about this "rule" before she agreed to accept the piano. That's manipulative.

You can get brilliant upright pianos for free if you pay costs of removals. It’s about £200 normally. Look online. Plus no one needs a 9k instrument or is going to be disadvantaged without one at grade 5 standard. A decent upright is fine.

I wouldn’t be treating my other kids any differently, I’d be saying he takes the piano away (at his expense)?or it’s a family instrument (of course you’d be making sure the kids treat it properly). If he’s so keen for his DD to do well I’m sure he won’t mind…

No, it says he bought the instruments and facilitates his daughter’s interest in music. OP doesn’t say he bought the piano to give to her.

Why would she feel compelled to lie if she doesn’t want her sister using it? Op said she would prefer to be the only to use it, but wouldn’t feel able to directly challenge OP allowing it. It sounds like she’s instead gone to her father knowing that he can do what she can’t.

The piano leaving isn’t the best outcome for OP. She’s made it clear her daughter spending more time with or at her father’s is not something she wants at all.

Either he takes the piano to his or you get to say what goes on in your own house no matter who bought what.

How would your ex react if your younger DD’s dad bought something in the house and expressly forbade your eldest from using it? He would be angry and upset that your eldest was being excluded and treated unfairly I bet. So why let your ex role model this behaviour for your eldest to copy?

I don't know how your coverage works, but definitely look into if he's got it insured or would pay that.

I have to update my house inventory every so often in case I have to make a claim and I take pictures when I do my walk through, then stick it in house insurance file.

Your ex is teaching your daughter to Other her half siblings in their own home, as if they're something lesser than her, and you're letting it happen/encouraging it.

Why is your oldest DD agreeing to this nonsense

Because she's 12! She's not the one pulling thr strings here!