Elder daughter father giving rules about my younger kids

A PP gave a great solution earlier. OP offers arsehole ex the money she would otherwise spend on a second piano (!!) so that this one us now jointly owned, and then the younger one can play it.

If he refuses that extremely reasonable offer, then fuck him. OP gets a second key and unlocks the piano when youngest needs it. Eldest doesn't have to defy her father or get involved, it's OP doing it, so if knobhead doesn't like it, he can go to OP about it.

Three piano players of varying levels in this house among other instruments. You might lay claim to a clarinet or even a violin, but a farking personal piano when your sibling is learning too? Give me a break.

Wow, how petty.

Unless daughter thinks the same and doesn’t want to share. It’s a gift he bought for her, so remains her property, just like if it was a laptop or a violin he’d bought her. What if dd wants to practice at the same time as siblings - who trumps who?

OP says her daughter would prefer her siblings not to use it, but isn’t able to tell OP that they can’t. By the sounds of it she’s gone to her father because he is able to tell that to OP.

The person who has the key is either the person it belongs to, or the person that has permission to have it.

If it’s in your house then it’s for everyone to play on.

That includes your other children, yourself or any guests.
It does not matter if they can actually play or not.

Tell him to grow up and tell your eldest DD she needs to share.

I can’t believe he’s being so petty over a silly little piano.

Lol. Stating the fact of his legal ownership isn’t ’pulling shit’. He hasn’t dumped it anywhere. OP was free to say no to having it, and she can also request he move it if she wants to (no, she can’t just present him with a bill retroactively).

He agreed to allow his daughter to use it at OP’s house, and OP agreed to have it there for said daughter. This arrangement is for their child’s benefit, not either of theirs.

He has two houses, and is not lacking in space for the piano. He isn’t reliant on OP. Arranging it for it to be moved would also require little effort on his part, so OP saying ‘come get it then’ is highly unlikely to phase him.

Anyway, OP has come to a decision.

I was going to say that I could see a scenario where in a standard family unit of full siblings, it wouldn't be unreasonable to request that the non-musical children leave a very expensive musical instrument alone if they aren't interested in learning how to play it properly or treat it with respect. I disagree that it should be treated as an item if furniture for everyone to use.

It is complicated by the fact that this is a blended family, it wasn't bought by you and one of the other children does want to learn.

My suggestion was going to be to find out how your eldest daughter actually feels about it and perhaps try to reach a compromise that if the younger sibling sticks at lessons and reaches a particular grade, then the younger sibling be allowed to use the piano as well.

What does your DD say about it? Is she happy locking the piano and preventing her half siblings from using it?
Tell her that locking the piano is not acceptable in a family home and leave it at that. Who has the key?
If she is worried about what her dad will say, then tell her that is your problem to deal with, not hers.

Are you for real????

If he tried to pull the ‘I still own the piano, even thought I dumped it in your house’ shit with me, I’d present him with a bill for storage for all the time it’s been in the house. His piano? He takes responsibility for storing it, then. Two can play that game.

I don’t really have anything else to say but I will not disadvantage my elder daughter as so many people think I should by getting rid of her piano or even not facilitating her lessons

@Dazedandconfusec You are not disadvantaging your daughter in anyway by giving a G5 level 12 year old an upright piano (baby grands are a bit….tacky, no? Unless you are a proper musician, composing etc).

Doing this means you are kowtowing to your controlling ex-H, and yes, that’s what he is doing here, and pressing your poor daughter to go along with that. What kind of message is that sending her? What does that mean for how you are blending your family? What about your other poor DC, and your DH? What you’re proposing is about the worst for all, all around. You need to reconsider this, maybe speak to friends IRL and your DH to really work through the longer term and more subtle, yes ‘nuanced’ consequences of your supinity.

By allowing your ex to dictate who uses something in your house, you are playing favourites.
I have a small home and one child, but if I had more than one, I wouldn’t allow one child to have something that large to themselves. It’s not fair and you can’t go and buy multiple instruments.

He either accepts that as the adult in the home, you will not allow a child to dictate the usage of an item or he picks it up. He’s the bad guy in this, not you.

Is it not possible to get a locksmith to unlock the piano and then remove the lock - thus making available to everyone in the house?

If you're having to accommodate the piano, then it shouldn't just be kept for one child.

The man would not be controlling what goes on in my house.

How is playing a normal piano a “disadvantage”? Yes playing a baby grand is nice, but playing a piano at grade 5 level is about correct hand placement and technical skills which are the same in fact probably MORE skills required on a bog standard piano… you are kidding yourself that you are in any way being fair. And I suspect you know that. Maybe you feel guilty you can’t give your dd a mum and dad in the same home? But you are “othering” her in your family unit by your choices and she is embracing that which is not healthy for the future sibling relationships she has…

I second this. I really wish I had bought a digital keyboard with weighted keys and all the brilliant functions that let the kids use headphones, record, work through Apps do they can self teach etc and popped it in their bedrooms when ours were younger (admittedly would have been a bit of a squash and a squeeze). If they get into it, they are amazing kit to progress independently until a certain grade and then alongside so they get a feel for real keys and do their grades on an actual piano. And hopefully once both kids are older and more mature and the youngest is excellent too, then the issue resolves itself.

You can pick up 2nd hand pianos quite cheaply. Get advice from your piano teacher and your ex takes the expensive piano to his house. I have seen a similar to my very unremarkable but perfectly adequate piano for sale in an antique market for £200. I learnt to play on it as an adult, needs a tune but I don't play it now

Really? Are you the ex?

I'm really glad you've found a solution that you're happy with @Dazedandconfusec . It may also be the case that this big issue caused by your ex will blow over and your DD may not mind her siblings playing the piano if she's no longer being scrutinised. I do think you should keep an eye on the messages your DD is getting from her dad. He sounds bitter and resentful. Don't let him cause ructions in your family. He's bigging her up to put distance between her and her siblings. Sadly, it's not a very original move.

Never would this happen in my house nor should it in yours , he’s encouraging her to fall out big style with siblings creating jealousy and future fall outs and recriminations, what an a to do that!

His house his rules he can take it there, but no way would I be agreeing to this.

Second hand or electronic pianos are not expensive, tell him the one he bought has to go to his house and buy one yourself. How dare he deliberately build up resentment berween sisters? Nasty controlling prick.

I agree, and she's backed into a corner. I don't think taking away the piano her daughter loves is really a solution, and I don't think forcing her to share is. I don't know what I would do except be really fucking annoyed at him.

The 'inferior piano' stuff I don't really agree with, although they are at different stages with different levels of passion. But I also don't agree a piano needs to be communal when it's one daughter's literal possession and belonging!

Agree! You want a piano in the house for everyone to use. If she won’t share hers then a new communal one needs to be bought.

I really think that you are worrying about this too much - take a step back maybe and think what you would say to a friend in the same position. It would probably be that it needs to be shared. I think you are worrying too much about an “inferior” piano. Your daughter is grade 5, not a world famous virtuoso!

I mean, it's a crappy situation, for everyone here (except for the ex). But calling any replacement an "inferior" piano isn't very fair on your younger children, when they will end up learning on a keyboard or other "inferior" option.

What exactly does your 12yr old want? She doesn't want to share it? If she goes to Uni, does she expect it to sit taking up space in your living room, remaining untouched and unused? It's all quite frankly ridiculous. Your ex knew exactly what he was doing when he bought her a BABY GRAND!

“If I took away this piano forcing my daughter to use an inferior one, what would I say to her?”

You’d tell her that it’s unfortunate that her dad has forced this situation to happen by not allowing her to share the piano, and you wish it wasn’t the case and best to talk to her dad if she’s unhappy about it.