Elder daughter father giving rules about my younger kids

Did you say the piano was worth £9,000! How old are the younger children? I kind of understand why he wouldn't want the other children playing it. Its clearly very expensive.

Is it not a gift? Since when do people who give gifts then dictate what happens with them?
This I presume is your home where the piano is? Then your home, your rules. Honestly he is being unreasonable.

If OP has already decided that she's going to commandeer a piano for only one of her children, she wouldn't be asking for opinions here.

The father doesn't live there and he doesn't get to dictate who does what in OP's home. And a 12 year old doesn't get to dictate that only she uses the massive, multi thousand pound instrument sitting in their communal area when she's got younger siblings who are also learning. That's life with siblings. I'm the youngest of three, I got the smaller bedroom growing up and gradually got promoted as the others left. That's how it is.

Either knobhead takes the piano into his own home (apparently he's got a selection so I'm sure he can find somewhere), OP offers to partly buy him out so they co-own this piano (I mean, that's frigging ridiculous but it removes what tenuous claim he's trying to use) and if neither of those is acceptable, she takes control as a parent and makes it clear that there are some things which can be obtained for each individual person's sole use, but a bleeping piano is not among them for reasons too obvious to state for a fourth time. She's providing the storage so she can set terms to make it worthwhile.

ETA: Keyboards are not pianos and the more they learn, the more they'll realise this. And just because you can throw out £9k at will and lose several square feet in floor space because it pleases your 12 year old and the ex who doesn't live there does not in any way oblige you to.

The oldest is hardly the golden child. She's paid scholastically for her mom's new family and move. She's got a sibling trying to use a £9000 gift from her dad to her. Her dad has stepped in to protect eldest from having her things be forcibly shared. She's got a different dad and she's been made quite aware of that by her stepdad's family. There is background to this.

I didn’t claim it was. I’m repeating what OP has said - this piano isn’t communal property for her family to use. It’s there for her daughter. Behemoth or not, it isn’t an exception. Like it or lump it 🤷🏻‍♀️

The father appears to have done this because his daughter doesn’t want her siblings using it, and wanted him to say to her mother what she’s unable to.

OP has to either accept this, or have him remove the piano. She’s decided on the former, and is going to get the younger children a keyboard.

Given that her husband suggested getting another piano though, it seems they do have the ability to do just that. I guess that means they’re not on ‘planet normal’ either.

Why can you not just say that it’s your house, your rules and your rule is that your children share. That’s it and all about it. If she can’t share her piano then she can’t use it herself.

Well it's not your house. And if you are lucky enough to have money and space for a piano apiece, spare a thought for the mere mortals who live on Planet Normal where we can't just go buying personal pianos for each child because a dickhead who doesn't live there wishes his kid's siblings didn't exist and wants to exclude them somehow.

Some things are totally personal and private, the frigging behemoth in the living room that makes beautiful music is an exception. If knobhead wants to control everyone who touches it, he can keep it in whichever one of his homes he finds most convenient. Meanwhile, OP has a normal family to run.

OP your attitude here is mental.

Either you should be taking the piano key from your eldest and telling her there will be no more locking of it, or you should be saying to your ex that he needs to take that piano back to his house and you will get another that everyone can use.

It's absolutely unreasonable to allow him to control things that happen in your household in this manner.

My daughter has half-siblings too and none of the parents in our situation would allow or expect any of this.

Not in this house, it isn’t. This piano isn’t communal property for OP’s family. What you think it should be for doesn’t change the reality of what it is there for. It’s there for the exclusive use of their shared daughter. The baby grand is not something her siblings get to share and take a turn on.

Pianos can be personal property. My mother had/has her own that my brother and I didn’t and don’t use. It was never a big deal, or a deal at all tbh.

Why would your DD be upset if the piano moves to her father's house and another piano is installed in your house? Her siblings are not playing her precious piano, she still has a piano to have her lessons on that they can all share

Perhaps they do if they're trying to appease an overreacting manipulative dickhead ex...

Even the rich and famous don’t have multiple pianos in one home 😂

Own possessions are things like mobile phones, certain toys etc - things that everyone can have their own of.

There are some things that are shared items eg a PC or printer or a piano, as it’s not feasible to most people to have multiple in their home.

Are you saying OP should get a separate piano for each member of the household?

Edit: I am sorry, the following was meant to be in response to this comment:

Give over…. Mad comment. People have their own possessions and shouldn't be forced to share them just because they live with others.

Because that's how you navigate three piano players and one piano! We do it with the bathrooms too. Four of us and two of those, we work it out! We share the guitar too, if you can believe it.

A piano isn't a dress or a toy or a diary even a smaller instrument that you put your lips on. It's huge, expensive and you don't have it personally reserved for one person when others play it too. You can't just get another one; well maybe you can if you're swimming in money and space, but it's an insane solution to a man weaponising it to drive a wedge through his ex's family. Eldest will have plenty of other possessions that are hers alone, the multi thousand pound instrument that takes up half the room is something her sister can also use. God almighty.

She won’t , the eldest is growing up knowing that she is the golden child , it is the other two children who the OP needs to worry about . You only need to read a few threads on here to see how this dynamic could play out .

Give over…. Mad comment. People have their own possessions and shouldn't be forced to share them just because they live with others.

I mean, he’s a complete twat isn’t he? I’m glad he’s an ex. My daughter would have done something like this at her Dad’s request because he was manipulative. I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of having a conversation with him. Does she want to lock it? I would have been quite happy to lie to my Dad if I didn’t live with him and say it was locked at that age. As long as I knew no one would grass me up but I suppose encouraging your children to lie is a no no. It’s a funny age 12, I remember my daughter not really wanting to see her Dad but still telling him every single detail of her life with me which he then tried to use against me. It drove me mad.

Are her clothes for everyone? Can she have her own food? Coat? What about her books and backpack? What about family and life events? If her dad takes her on holiday, is she expected to take her siblings?

That's ridiculous.

Will OP be reimbursing dad if her kids damage the gift eldest's dad bought for her to use? OP obviously agreed at some point to have the piano there. That doesn't make it a shared family item.

OP has admitted her distraction with her new family and moving has really cost her daughter scholastically. If OP had forced the issue, the eldest wouldn't be allowed to have an expensive gift from her own father for her own use. That would teach her some pretty unhealthy life lessons, that she can't have nice things and a really good way to foster resentment against her siblings.

I think you need to give your dd a choice.

She either lets her siblings use the piano, (agree that they won’t hog it when she wants to practice) or as the piano takes up so much room and if she insists on having her very own piano then you need to make room for 2 pianos in the room and that one will need to go because there isn’t the space for 2

I am more worried about eldest dd turning into a mean spirited spiteful person who will be leaving herself open to mockery by many people over the years to come because of her selfish attitude

Why should they take it in turns?! Piano is Dds property as it was a gift. Siblings could use it but only when Dd doesn’t.

Ive read all your posts OP, my feeling is that she complained to her dad and he said 'well lock it then, its yours dont let her use it'

You make some indication that she wouldnt want to share it.

Op also said she can’t afford to do that.

The daughter is already involved. It’s there for her use, not to be shared with her siblings. She doesn’t want to shared with her siblings, and it’s very likely her dad is acting now because she’s asked him to intervene.

The piano isn’t OP’s property, and she is not at liberty to treat it like it is because she agreed for it to be there (and not for him, but for her daughter). All she can do is have him remove it, or agree to the rules now in place.

I had something similar when my ex, he offered us a Mac for our daughter and the only place I had to put it was downstairs as family computer. so my son would of used it too The offer was withdrawn really quickly 🙄. Even now I still think about it.... they would of had different logons and can't really see what harm if they were throwing it out anyway.

They take it in turns, ffs. We've got one piano and three players here, it's not that hard to navigate.