Elder daughter father giving rules about my younger kids

The piano does not belong to the op. That would be vandalism.

Exactly this, he wants this he can take the piano and facilitate the lessons. Alternatively get the lock removed off the piano permanently.

This is bonkers @Dazedandconfusec
its not ‘more nuanced’
, its just common sense and common decency.
of course many a teenager is happily going to along with a parent who treats her like a golden child no matter how ridiculous the parents’ game is, but it’s not teaching her anything healthy or helpful for her growth as a fully functioning member of society.

your ex is being pathetic and if you believe that the eldest daughter really doesn’t want to share something as huge as a piano in your communal space then you need to have some words with her about cooperation and collaboration in a family, let alone a shared household.
If she really does share this attitude then her and her dad need a dose of reality.
Dont pander to this nonsense .

Ignore this comment wrong post

I am not sure OP is on the thread any more.

But OP, if you are, why on earth don't you just say to your ex "stop being so ridiculous and mean-spirited. Of course both children should be allowed to play on the piano".

You have a child together FFS! You were once close enough to bring life into the world? Why can't you communicate enough to make this very simple and obvious statement?

If he is a nice man generally, the he obviously just isn't thinking about the mplications of this, and when asked to, will surely immediately see how ridiculous and awful he is being.

So just ask him to think about this for 19 seconds! Remind him your other child is your daughter's half sibling. (If such an obvious observation is even necessary).

By indulging this bizarre caprice of his, and allowing your daughter to help with it, what total weirdness are you allowing into your lives?

And for what reason? Just to avoid having a very logical conversation with a man you once loved enough to have a family with?

Why???

Some people seem incredibly over-invested in this!

It's 10 pages since the OP commented on her thread and it's really tedious to hear the same 2 or 3 posters making the same points over and over again.

How exactly do you know what she would or wouldn’t have agreed to? She readily acknowledges that her oldest daughter has more than her younger siblings, and that she isn’t going to deny her those things.

“My elder daughter has lots of opportunities that the younger two don’t. If they ever comment on this in the future they will of course realise that it is because they have different dads.”

The piano is there specifically to facilitate the daughter’s interest in music, and the rest of family have, up until recently, left it alone (and even then, it was just the younger daughter who briefly used it). Does OP say outright that she knew it wasn’t to be used as a family piano from the beginning? No, but what she does say suggests she knew this was the case.

“My ex has facilitated her music and has bought all of the instruments and paid for lessons…Elder daughter has locked piano as her dad has instructed that my younger children cannot use the piano or have use of the other instruments.”

She also refers to it specifically as her piano. Not ‘their piano’, or ‘our piano’. Her piano.

“I will not disadvantage my elder daughter as so many people think I should by getting rid of her piano”

“I think my elder daughter would prefer that her piano is not shared but wouldn’t have challenged me in this way unilaterally.”

She also seems to have become aware that this is coming from her daughter, via her ex:

“I do hope that this will work out in a year or two when younger daughter becomes older and more proficient and maybe elder one will be less precious.”

She knew her daughter didn’t want to share the piano, but assumed she’d get used to her sister playing it, or at least wouldn’t feel able to object.

Op you are talking as if it's set in stone your eldest is going to make a career in music. Let's be honest here, if she does then it's going to be as a music teacher unless she is both remarkably good and remarkably lucky.

Plus your ex is unhappy that you went on to have other children but can't be arsed to have his own daughter 50% of the time.

And you are letting both of them dictate what happens to a family where one is 12 years old and the other has fuck all right to say anything.

She's 12 I'd put money on her completing the levels and then dropping it all together.

I'd by a cheaper piano. Put the good one in her room, if she has to use it as a bed then tough and I'd make her practice...and practice and practice. Until she realises that sharing is a good thing.

Him I'd tell to fuck off... your giving house space to a big item, another child playing it properly isn't going to damage it or wear it out so either he shuts the fuck up or steps up in the parenting department (I know you don't really want that but he's trying to control your life and you cannot let it continue, so call his bluff)

Exactly. It’s a proviso that would have to be made upfront and OP would not have been likely to agree to it.

One can see why this man is an ex.

Yes, indeed. So we know that OP did not agree to this when the piano first arrived. And it wouldn’t have occurred to her to ask the question because it’s such a ludicrous expectation.

The problem with this is the foundation of technique starts from the very beginning. If you’re only ever going to tinker it doesn’t really matter if you mess around with a keyboard. But if DD turned out to have talent and wanted to play seriously it’s crucial that she gets the right fundamentals from the start.

A keyboard is ok for practicing on holiday for a couple of weeks when it’s that or nothing. But for learning - no.

OP specifically said this has only become an issue since the other DD wanted to learn.

I don’t believe a word of it. From a poster who has no idea how shit free FB pianos are.. this is not a likely story.

<<Yawn>>

Disagreeing with someone by interpreting the same information differently doesn’t automatically make them a man/ a relative/ troll. It just means they have formed a different opinion based on the information the OP shared.

The clue is in the name

AIBU Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions...

Opinion (noun):
A personal view, judgement, or belief about something that isn’t necessarily based on fact or proof.

HTH

It should be inconceivable that anyone would be so controlling and self-absorbed that they would expect someone to house a baby grand that only one child out of the 5 person household is allowed to touch. The OP will have been banking on her ex behaving like a semi-reasonable human being.

Planning and thinking ahead is part of parental responsibility. It's not a unique or special skill.

Yes, I suspect the OP doesn’t want to rock the boat in case other gifts and privileges afforded to the elder DD are withdrawn. I imagine there’s a lot more at stake here than just a piano. Well if that’s how you and the OP are happy to live your lives, good luck to you both. I’m sure the OPs ex will enjoy pulling the strings via the DD from afar over the next 6+ years. Rather them than me.

Did the OP choose it though? Can you copy and paste the part where she says this was the agreement from the start? Because it would be strange to agree to that and then post this thread complaining about it, no?

Anyway, I’m guessing this comes down to the OP not willing to put her hand in her pocket and just buy her children a piano. That’s up to her, but it might come back to haunt her.

She doesn’t have to do any such thing. She chose to house the piano for the same reason that her ex chose to allow his piano to be at OP’s house. For their shared child. They’ve now resolved the issue by choosing to continue this arrangement.

OP said her ex is the one who shares and facilitates their daughter’s interest in music. The ex paid for the piano and her other instruments. He pays to insure it, and pays for their daughter’s home tutor. I’d be incredibly surprised if he wasn’t the one paying to have it maintained. I also suspect OP would have said if this were the case.

OP said that younger children were allowed to tinker on a couple
of occasions when their sister invited them to. It is only recently that the younger daughter has started to use it, hence this issue arising.

It is not a communal piano. Even OP was somehow under the impression that it was, she now knows and has accepted that it isn’t. That’s it. She resolved the situation on the same day she started the thread, and has quite possibly already bought her youngest a keyboard.

She’s not being ‘overcompensated’, she’s being provided for by her parents, one of which is wealthy. Her siblings have less in comparison because their parents are not wealthy. This is just the reality of their respective parents having vastly different levels of wealth, and it’s something they have little choice but to accept and come to terms with. It isn’t something their sister needs to compensate them for.

She’s not unreasonable to keep to herself the piano her father provided to her. She’s allowed opinions that don’t align with OP’s, and she cannot be forced to share her mother’s perspective. Luckily she has her father’s support. If the younger siblings want their own piano it’s up to their parents to either facilitate this, or not. It isn’t the responsibility of their sister or her father.

I’m talking about the OP, who isn’t a musician yet still has to have these instruments housed and maintained. Not the ex. I’m sure he’s very aware - that’s how he knows that this flex will be so effective.

I’d be surprised if it was the ex having the piano tuned, but you never know. I suspect that OP will not be back to fill us in.

OP, I think your decision to get a keyboard for your younger child is the right one. And as you stated, to only upgrade once grade 2 or higher is achieved. That way younger child shows that they are disciplined and practicing and serious about learning to play. By that time feelings may have changed and you may be able to come to a compromise that both children are happy with. Good luck.

Yes, I know. What about it? Those aren’t factors that will dissuade anyone who wants pianos/ a piano, has the space, and can afford to pay to move and/or maintain it/ them. The father already had pianos at his own houses, so it’s hardly like these are things he’s unfamiliar with.

I suspect the person who pays to have it tuned is the owner of the piano, who is also the only person that has insured it.