Not Letting Nephews Stay Over When Parents Move In

I am 60 years old. I am a grandmother to two little girls who I adore. To help out my son and DIL I take the girls to school every day, pick them up, give them their tea, babysit so son and DIL can have time at home alone or date night, I don't consider myself "staff". Me and my husband enjoy our lives, days out, nights out, holidays. My parents did the same for us when our boys were growing up. It's just how we are, we're very family orientated. I've always looked at this post through the grandparents' eyes, I feel sorry for the OP that she hasn't had a close enough relationship with them to offer support through her separation and with her disabled child. Likewise, I see no problem with them looking after their son's children, their grandchildren, I can't imagine wanting to move miles away and effectively turn their backs on everyone. As for people spouting all this vitriol towards OP's brother, effing and jeffing, that's not my style. I haven't been on MN long, and thought it would be fun, but it's really opened my eyes to how nasty some people can be, on some threads pure evil, I'm wondering if it's worth it, maybe I should stick to my quiz books and knitting 😂

It's OP's daughter who is disabled and it's OP who has never had much help or input from her parents as they have been busy looking after her brother's two children at least two days a week. As they will be living with OP for a while, they will be able to provide some help and support for OP while building a relationship with their disabled grandaughter.

OP's brother sounds very entitled and demanding which is probably why OP's parents are pulling back from him and his family.

You realise your parents are not your staff, yes? They are actually entitled to their own life and not be on call babysitters for their lazy, selfish, entitled son?

The son can pay for childcare like everyone else does! He doesn’t need it he just can’t be bothered parenting his own children!! I’m sure the grandparents will enjoy spending time with them when they aren’t dumped on them every day by the cheeky fucker of a son and daughter in law!!

You aren’t unreasonable. Your brother is a CF’r who probably tried bullying your parents and is now trying to bully you. He sounds like a massive twat.

Is your parents wanting to move a couple hours away tied to his obnoxious behaviour?

OP, don't be one bit surprised if your brother turns up with your nephews and dumps them at your house, its what cheeky fxxkers do.....and he's one of them.

Some people cannot accept no.
My friends brother did this when his marriage broke up and he thought he could dump them on her for the mid term.
She packed up and went visiting family to prove the point.
She also went full no contact, they were not close, and now his lovely wife left him, she had no intention of suddenly being used.

Stay strong and mind yourself, you have more than enough taking your parents on.

They don't 'need' them, Op said herself the babysitting is rarely for work, the brother and his wife just want the time to themselves.

Wow

Im reading this situation as one where none of the family are particularly close to the others. Incuding the grandchildren. The parents have been bullied into being the default childminders despite not having a good relationship with their son or Dil. They have probably had enough of their sons attitude to them and have tired of looking after 2 ' lively' boys as the health of one parent is deteriorating.
I think they have made this decision now as something else has prompted the quick move to stop taking the boys . Otherwise it could have waited until they had sorted out their housing in the new area before leaving their old one.

I wish these parents well in the new area where they will have others who care for them as people and not as staff.

then stop posting with opinions on something you cannot relate to!

They don't 'need' them. Thats part of the point. You don't use people like this. It has to be a mutually agreeable arrangement that everyone is happy with. It has to be reciprecal and it has to be fair.

Plenty of people cope without family support. You don't 'need' it. You appreciate it.

Its fairly obvious the brother sees it as an entitlement and takes it for granted - this is actually a toxic dynamic that no one should have to put up with. Its no ok. He's been abusive over it.

The grandparents may also feel they are at the point of feeling unable to keep up with the demands of small children and their parents haven't responded well to them saying 'this is too much' because they are too demanding.

Either way the grandparents actually do NEED to step away from this because its unhealthy.

Yes, OP is right, I agree, she has enough on her plate. My beef is from a parents/grandparents point of view, I am angry with OP's parents that they are turning their backs on their children and grandchildren, who all need them, to move miles away to be near their cousins 🤷

The op isn't stopping the grandparents seeing brothers children. They can easily see them at brothers house just not stay over at op's home.

Op is right. Brother is wrong.

If you don’t get on with your parents then don’t let them move in with your. I can see your brother and your parents going against your boundaries. They can rent or move in with their son.

YANBU. Your brothers child care arrangements aren't your problem. You don't have the room to accommodate your nephews nor should you have to. If your vrother has an issue maybe he should house your parents. He can have the inconvenience as well as the benifits. TBH, I'm not sure having your patents is a good idea. I think living together can make relationships more fraught..Do you have acolan if it doesn't work well? I guess your parents could always rent somewhere or do air b&b in the location they want to move to.

I think this is an issue between your parents and their child, not you and your sibling.

And another thought - if you gave in to your brother and started hosting his children that situation would probably continue after your parents move out.
Don't weaken - it's his problem.

Don’t give it a second thought.

If your parents want to spend time with the grandkids whilst staying at yours they can pick them up and take them out somewhere. Not your problem.

You sound a lovely, friendly, caring, amiable lot (not.) I am very family orientated, I love having my family around me, and take great pleasure in spending time with my granddaughters, including taking them to school, having sleepovers, days out, holidays, it isn't a chore like you make it out to be. There's too much "me, me, my" nowadays, there are three generations of us and we love sharing our lives with one another. I just cannot relate to all the selfishness on here.

I’m sure your parents are secretly a bit relieved

I immediately thought "I bet the parents have long decided that it's time to run far, far away! Good on them!!!"

The grandparents are allowed to say no.

Clearly they felt they needed to.

The reaction of the son to this is out of order. His kids, his responsibility.

His parents don't 'owe' child care.

For what? For wanting to do what they want to do and not being used as free childcare?

I don't agree. The grandparents (OP's parents) are the ones at fault here. They're needed to help out with the daughter's and son's lives, but instead they're moving away, leaving in their wake a daughter and son who don't want anything to do with one another, and three little boys without their grandparents around. It sounds like none of them were close until recently, OP deserves better and so do the grandsons.

It has nothing to do with "hate" and everything to do with "elder abuse".