To think DP has lost his ambition since I got a better job?

I would lose attraction for a man that wants to give up work for me to "look after him"

Financial independence is important to me, and I never gave up work for DH to look after me financially. I don't like situations of dependency and I would reevaluate relationship where this happened.

I don’t see an issue with him ‘settling’ it happens to a lot of people and sometimes they realise there’s more to life than a high paying career and the lifestyle that gives them.

myself and my DH were very similar to yourself, but now we’re in our 50s and we’ve both take. A step back in career to enable us to have a less stressful career and spend time at home and work each other.

but…. I’d not be happy with his comments about being a kept man, that wouldn’t sit right with me and it’s very important that a partner contributes financially to the relationship and you don’t end up in a parent / child type relationship

Maybe he is happy at the level he is at values a better work life balance? I work in engineering, pays well, manage a small team, can pretty much switch off my laptop at 5pm and not think about work till the next day. I have been offered more senior roles that pay a lot more but that would require way longer hours, working weekends and me probably having to park some of my hobbies and interests. I am happy at the level I am at.

I don't think he has necessarily done anything wrong, people do change. But I agree that it's very unattractive, living with a SAHP, a part time worker or someone who gives up trying so early in their career would be a deal breaker for me. Just accept you're different and leave him so you can both be free to move on.

It sounds like earning a lot of money and having a high flying career was never a true ambition of his, maybe fresh out of uni he was initially excited to start a career and make big plans and something he continued to go along with when you met and talked of your career and financial ambitions but obviously not something he had his heart set on. I think there is a difference between things that feel important in a moment or for a few years and those that are actual true life ambitions, it sounds like he was just making fanciful career plans in his head not actual goals he was ambitious to strive towards.

Maybe he just realised there is more to life.

Well who else is going to look after them if you continue?

How much do you earn more than him? It’s incredibly hard to have two people who are working all the hours and honestly there’s plenty of misery to go round when people do and then have to spend £70k on a nanny to look after the kid they really wanted.

I reckon half the very driven couples I see in therapy are struggling with this. The desire to get out of poverty is not ameliorated even when they’re not poor and downshifting mindset is so hard.

Is this the life you want? To live for work rather than live for you and your family ?

Me too. Ruthlessly ambitious as a graduate, worked in City law. Very dog eat dog. Toxic.

Had kids. Reassessed everything.

Don't want to be that person anymore. I'm ambitious for the kids and want them to fulfil their potential and will articulate for that but otherwise, happy with my status quo. As I got older I realised that it's not a meritocracy. Me working and killing myself wasn't going to result in a better outcome

It comes down to being in the right place at the right time and knowing the right people.

My husband realised this 5 years before me and turned down partnership as it just wasn't something he wanted.

I’m not sure that’s fair. I agree with the poster that says ideas at university change when you’re in the real world.

In my case I thought I’d be super ambitious. But I detest office politics and the long hours required in my field. Instead I’m in a job that I love that I feel helps others. I had no idea I’d enjoy this field. Salary is above average but not what I’d planned. I got to a certain level and didn’t feel going higher was worth it to me.

People change as they get older and have more life experience. The bigger question is whether you can be ok with that? Have you both had a recent chat about what you want and where you both see your lives in the future? Does it align?

I was v ambitious after graduation. It dwindled in my late 20’s and early 30’s.

Id have retired at 35 if l could. Hated all the corporate crap

I’d not like that at all, for me it’s important a partner pulls their weight financially, my husband earns less than I do, but he still has a very good job and wouldn’t dream of quitting so I can pay for him,

he likely feels a bit of a failure and stuck,but the answer isn’t to quit and put his hand out, it’s to get it sorted.

Possibly. But also how you think the world of work will be when you're at uni, and then how it actually is when you get into it can also change your ambitions.

What does it feel like to think he has lost his ambition now you have a good job? Would it make you reconsider your relationship?