To think DP has lost his ambition since I got a better job?

I mean he’s being unreasonable to think he should automatically be a SAHD or you look after him financially but I don’t blame him for not wanting to go into a career with ‘silly hours’ either. Life is also for living and I’d much rather earn a little bit less and than do ridiculous hours.

He hasn’t lost his ambition- maybe his was never as great as yours in the first place
I think it’s more likely that he feels he no longer has to work as you do all that for him don’t you

Yanbu.
You are not married and it sounds as if you are no longer compatible.

You met when you were young, and people change.

Start looking hard at this relationship and if you really want to be in it.

It's ok to say that you want someone else more aligned with your life goals.

It's not actually that easy to get in to a high flying job. You only have to see the number of graduates who are never likely to earn over 45K, will never be on grad/fast schemes. A lot of it is about luck, confidence, personality.

Also, having seen your job be more like a lifestyle. If you were to have a family together, somebody has to be in a job that doesn't have to come first and if he wants to do that then it's an important job too, just not a paid one. Otherwise your option would be a nanny and neither parent seeing much of their kids. Perhaps there is a degree of recognition of this?

I was always the ambitious high earner and my partner had a decent salary but he was never overly ambitious. He was always saying I work to live, not live to work and I remember getting so annoyed cause he could earn so much more if he wanted. But then we had kids and oh my god! So so glad he has a very flexible easy going job! He can always pick up and drop off the kids, take time off when needed! It’s a dream! We would never be able to have 3 kids otherwise!!

I feel sorry for you that you believe success is selling your soul to a company who’d replace you with the click of a finger if you became ill or lost your life.

Money is important, but you sound like you aren’t exactly struggling. Your DP has probably realised that there is more to life than giving all your energy to a corporation.

He probably also suggested to be a stay at home dad because you clearly love your job.

While you’re at uni, you have hardly any life experiences. It’s not until you get out into the world that you see how ridiculous the system is, maybe he doesn’t want to buy into having ‘more more more’.

He sounds like a decent bloke, who’s earning a decent wage. Surely you fell in love with more than just his ‘ambition’.

You say he earns well compared to the majority of the population. How are you determining his potential, it sounds like he is doing well already if he is earning well.

I've never fulfilled my potential.

If you aren't happy, get divorced now (and I'd say this regardless of sex) as you'll be accruing assets faster than him and you will resent even more than you do currently. If you don't want to be "looking after" him in the future, definitely consider divorce now.

My DH left me wander about running the house and doing random jobs as it suited our lives but he was ok about it. Weirdly, my odd life choices have resulted in him being able to retire early but that doesn't sound the case here.

Resentment will kill your relationship.

Ambition and drive are important to me too, I earn 3x’s what my DH does, the next step up for him though is working hours plus being available 24 hours a day - he doesn’t want to do that, and I don’t want him to either. But he is committed to his job and team and he is great at what he does. I guess I am saying you can still be ambitious and have drive without earning lots of money. The other thing to consider is drive and ambition outside of his job - working on the house? the garden? etc… it doesn’t have to always be about work/ money.

Yep, these threads are among the most hypocritical and sexist on Mumsnet. Not every man wants to be Gordon Gekko. You see plenty of threads on here supporting women to be part time/SAHMs and that the kids are important etc.

Reading your post makes me wonder if you have some un-dealt with trauma from your childhood in poverty. Money does make the world go around, but your view seems extreme and unhealthy. It really isn’t everything and it’s more like you’re earning high to prove a point (to who?) rather than finding something that gives you happiness and balance.

I wonder if you’ve always projected your fears onto your partner and that’s why he initially said he wants to make mega money - to please you. When really, he’s happy in his above average paid job.

I don’t think your mindset is healthy or realistic and you run the risk of pushing away your partner as your drive increases and you let your dissatisfaction with him be known.

I wonder if you’d benefit from some therapy to talk through your childhood more and how money, security and love played out for you. It may help you in the long run to find a more balanced and content view on life.

If he earns well & likes his job with a good work/life balance what is the problem?

I used to be very ambitious but wanted more balance after dc. I’m still a really hard worker in my new role/industry but I work to live now. I love it.

You need to have a proper mutual view of how the future. Hints and all that ain't good enough.
If you are in agreement that you are going to have a family, you need to be clear if your view of that is that you both work in well paying jobs, you want to take a step back and how you will both fund those years.

Maybe he looks at you and thinks actually I earn well compared to most people and my job doesn't dominate my life, I'm better where I am.

I get what you mean op. I think k it’s fine if he’s happy with the job he does (and you said it is above average pay). But I wouldn’t be happy with suggestions that you ‘keep him’. I think financial independence is very important and I have no interest in supporting another able bodied adult financially.

He earns well compared to the majority of the population, but he’s not fulfilling his potential either in terms of income or the calibre of job

Wow. Do him a favour and find someone else who you aren't so scornful of.

Well of course I am not married to the OP and this thread is not about me but she has posted on a very popular discussion forum in order to invite the views of others, which is what I have offered.

The ambitions you have for him are a very big deal. To put career foremost, sacrifice work life balance for it, and produce outcomes of 'a lot of money' would be incredibly stressful for someone to live up to if their heart isn't in it. So you need to accept or move on. Because if you try to change him you'll both be very miserable.

He probably has but I think that’s common and fairly normal.

From my own experience, I spent my 20s and 30s being incredibly career focussed and to be fair, it’s served me well. I have a well paid job with good prospects.

At one time I wanted to be top of the tree, and push for the best paid job and the huge firm I worked for.

Then I had DD and reached my late 30s / early 40s and I started to realised none of really mattered. I left my big swanky firm where I was working crazy hours, joined a slightly smaller one with a better work-life culture, took a small
hit on my pay but still have a very good salary and bonus, and I’ve never been happier. DH has done something similar too, for similar reasons.

I don’t regret being career driven in my younger years because it’s given me the good life I have now, but I spent a lot of time chasing meaningless shit and it took age and experience to realise that. I’m still ambitious but in a much softer way and have a clear idea of what matters (to me).

There are plenty of women who have zero ambition and lose whatever ambition they have when they have children

Stash some money away. Do not have children with this man unless and until you have some very clear guidelines laid down. Chivvy him to get a better job or do further training or retraining or whatever, to boost hus contributionto your joint finances. Is he good around the house, or would him being a "househusband" actually mean he'd do the bare minimum and you'd come home from a long hard day at work to bored hungry grubby kids, a dirty house, and no food on the table? Because this seems to be the norm I've seen from many SAHDs over the years.

Agree with others perhaps he’s just seen how hard you work and everything you sacrifice in your personal life and decided that’s not for him. It’s valid. But it’s also valid for you to resent slightly the different choices you’re each making and decide you’re no longer comparable.

Settling might mean.that he has a healthy work life balance. That is a healthy compromise to make in.my opinion. It may not be something you are happy with. Realistically if you have children, if you can afford it wouldn't it be better if one parent did the childcare, rather than outsourcing things.

Ok but I’m guessing you’re not married to the op and the thread is maybe not about you. People can value many things in a relationship. And each is different, I’m sure your partner values your values.

That's fine and loads of people think like that but for those that are attracted to ambition it wouldn't work. People are attracted by all sorts of things - tall/small, blonde/brunette, intelligence, sense of humour etc. People who are attracted to blondes are not wrong because they're not attracted brunettes in the same way that people are not wrong for being attracted to ambition rather than settlers.