To think DP has lost his ambition since I got a better job?

for me it would be the “look after him” idea that would get to me, it’s a huge turn off having an adult dependant, you should be doing life together. If your values aren’t aligned it will cause tension so communication would be key here

I imagine the people who find it unattractive would be ones who are expecting to rely on others financially (by choice).

Like some would find your materlistic view of life unattractive!

Plenty of ways to contribute to a relationship than just financial.

Do the poor chap a favour and leave him, that way he can settle for his above average earning job and you can work all the hours you can to earn all the money you don’t have any time to enjoy.

People change & their priorities change, maybe you are no longer compatible or maybe he’s taking the view that if you ever have kids he’d be fine with being a Stay At Home Parent but it does sound like this is a turning point in your relationship as pushing him into a better paying job that he doesn’t want will not work out well for either of you.

I find financial dependence by choice (for both men and women) extremely unattractive. If your values don’t align, I’d move on.

I totally agree. The OP has a bizarre take on life. An unhealthy and quite shallow perspective. Can’t make for a very happy life for either of them

He earns well so it’s not really a problem.

I don't think it's bad or unusual for someone to change their mind at the type of career they want. Things like city lawyers and finance sound glamorous when you're at uni but the reality of spending the majority of your life at work, being permanently stressed and knackered, being contacted on holidays and evenings and weekends etc is not so fun. And he probably now has a better insight than most, so I think fair enough to decide a high flying high pressure career is not for him.

But saying that, I'd completely share your concerns. At the age I'm assuming you both are (late 20s?) he should at least want to pursue some sort of career. Hinting that he thinks you should look after him would put me right off, it's not the lack of ambition so much as the lack of interest / drive / work ethic / self respect. If he wanted to be a SAHD because he absolutely loved kids and was an amazing parent and couldn't bear to be apart from them, and was great at organising/ housework etc then that would be one thing. But it sounds like he is a bit 'well why should I bother when I can just rely on and benefit from (OP) putting in all the hard work'.. which is really not attractive, and if he was female he'd be called a gold digger.

I'd think very carefully if you want to subsidise him and if you want to have children with him, as if you do it will be 'nursery is 2k a month per child, there's no point in me working because we will be losing money'. I'd be very clear that we were going to use a nanny / nursery (which may not be compatible with long hours) otherwise you will feel like he is not pulling his weight in the relationship (unless you feel very strongly that children should have a sahp).

I'd be very aware that a lot of women in this situation get stuck in a marriage, earning all the money and doing everything at home (cooking, cleaning, kids mental load and 100pc of childcare when they are at home) with lazy men who do the bare minimum and stick the kids on screens all day, because they are worried they'd lose contact with the kids because their husband / partner would get custody because they're the primary parent on paper, even though the reality doesn't match up.

He's maybe just keen to enjoy the benefits of your success rather than put the effort in, as many women have done over the years care of their high earning husbands. Mention you've had enough of the rat race and want to give it all up to work at animal rescue. See his response.
He's either being lazy as you are a good earner.
He's genuinely had a rethink over what motivates him.
He's failed and given up.
Most Alpha Women are with Alpha men. EVERY marriage I know of where the husband stays hone and raises the kids and the high earning women works has crumbled. The lack of respect creeps in slowly. You say partner, are you married because I'd suggest having a serious think. Its not what you signed up to and not the future you saw.

but he’s not fulfilling his potential either in terms of income or the calibre of job

Maybe he has. You said he tried for better jobs but never got them. So, maybe he isn’t up to that calibre.
Or, if he was, he no longer is as he hasn’t continued to try or better himself or whatever.

Not everyone is capable of being a high flyer and maybe he has met his limit and now you need to accept that. He could also have just been really unlucky, but it sounds like he’s working at his level.

His feelings about being a 'high flyer' may have changed for a number of reasons. You having a good job may or may not be one of them. It could simply be that his career is no longer his number one priority.
People change as they get older, thank god. Imagine being the same person in your 40's that you were at 20.
There's nothing wrong with having a sahp if both parties are happy with that. It doesn't need to be the mum. Two parents working crazy hours isn't good for family life. That's the reality.
It sounds like you need to decide whether it's a deal breaker. You can't change who people are and how they feel, but you can decide not to stay married to them.

If you are asking on AIBU then you have to expect to hear all sorts of different opinions.

People change! I was always hyper ambitious, now I'm older i value other things, and actually find money hunting a bit vacuous (although I'm very privileged to be able to earn fairly well working for myself and my husband does the same). I value time with my kids, hearing about their day, my partner and I have time for each other, we cook nice food, take a daily dog walk together. All the little parts of our day that we love would've been impossible in the hyper competitive corporate jobs we started in.
If you no longer find your husband attractive, or if those qualities he has developed aren't attractive to you then maybe he's not the right long term partner to have a family with- you have to grow together. If you love him, can you see any positives in this less ambitious him, can you love the way he wants to be a father and nurture your children (which will allow you to be as ambitious as you wish)? Are there other qualities you love about him?
Nobody has done anything wrong here, he has grown, changed and become less money driven/ less ambitious, you haven't changed in your desires for a wealthy, work focussed life style - if you don't match anymore, deal with that ASAP but you can't blame him for changing or developing in his desires.
Sit down and discuss these things, or you'll end up frustrated (both of you), there is a 24/7, hire a nanny, rarely see your kids, utilise boarding school, take limited mat leave and stay work focussed lifestyle or a work part time, be with your kids all the time, cook for them, grow veg for them etc lifestyle and everything in between - you need to know what it all looks like and what works for both of you and if its not a match, do not have kids!! He will feel just as disheartened by a family life where he never sees you, and you only ever work as you will be by his lack of earning potential and drive - so it's in both your interests to agree a future you both love.

I would argue that it's difficult for both partners in a relationship to maintain the hours required for a high flying career, especially once you have a family.

You both need to be happy with the arrangement, but I think it's quite normal for one partner to be the main earner and other partner to take on more of the family responsibilities.

Why? There are many different ways to 'pull their weight' than just financially.

My DH is a high earner which enabled me to stay home and invest my time in bring up the children, looking after the home, which enabled him to progress his career.

I have a friend who is a partner if law firm, her DH became stay at home dad to look after child with learning difficulties, in both case we are more than pulling our weight!

How much more than him do you earn as a percentage? How much more time do you put in?

Or he’s just aware that he’s reached his ceiling of effort and it’s not that high. Loads of people reconsider their priorities in their late 20s/30s and don’t want to strive as long and hard. And if you’re both doing high flying, high stress jobs doing ‘silly hours’ I don’t see the point of having kids as neither of you will be around for them.

You say he earns well, just not as well as you. Why isn’t that enough for you?

And?

We've been doing exactly this for decades.

The "rise" of women means that men can take a back seat if they want to. Your situation is exactly what generations of women have fought the patriarchy for. We can now be the breadwinners. Instead of complaining, you should look at your partners lack of motivation as an endorsement of just how far we've come.

I don’t think it’s unattractive if he could actually pull off being a full time parent that actually puts the effort in rather than one than would sit around and let them run riot. You could pursue all the hours and opportunities you wanted to knowing that your children were well taken care of. The trouble is you don’t know until they come along how great he’ll actually be at this!

Would your life be better without him?

OP says he hated it when he took it. Perhaps after getting into the swing of things he found an appreciation for it? Or maybe he works with an incredible team and that connection now overrides the work itself.

my partner got a job in his 20s that he consistently hated/disliked. He’s still there in his 50s. He was too lazy to harness the energy involved in leaving. But he’s unhappy in the job

Priorities change and, like PP have said, being ambitious to earn money as a teen and knowing the soul crushing reality as an adult are two different things.

Sounds like you're earning enough alone to avoid the poverty you grew up in. If over the long-term the household collectively earns well, does it matter if you're bringing in 70% and him 30%?

Do you love him as a person you want to see flourish in whatever way suits him (even if this means a lower paid job and a focus on pursuing unpaid hobbies/interests for fulfillment). Or do you love him as a person with potential to provide money/material things.

If the latter then sounds like it might not be a good fit for either of you.

but if he’s in a job he hates then none of the comments make sense? He’s not settling happily into a less ambitious job, he’s failing unhappily. Or have I missed something?

I was ambitious when I was younger. Then I realised there was much more too life and I didn't want to spend all my youth working and saving for a retirement that might never happen. I'm enjoying a simpler, slower paced life in my 30s. I don't have a flash car or designer clothes, my home is basic but I have all I need and I'm content.
People change and grow, that's the difficulty with relationships starting when we're young. You either accept and embrace the changes in your DH or leave.