To think DP has lost his ambition since I got a better job?

While I agree it would be frustrating to see your partner lose his ambition and perhaps not fulfil his full career potential, but have you thought that maybe it’s fear of more rejection? I’d always believed that you can achieve anything you want if you work hard enough, but then suffered maternity discrimination that burned me so much I turned my back on that path entirely, and now realise it’s not always that simple. It doesn’t sound like he finished uni and immediately gave up, rather a series of events lead him to reevaluate and be where he is now. His career is his choice, as it’s yours to be in one that sounds very full on. Focus instead on supporting him, building up his self-esteem / worth (as opposed to quiet disappointment), and, he may eventually decide on his own to try again if he’s unhappy, but as stated that should be his choice.

For me it’s really hard for both members of a couple to work in the same way. I work in education, I can’t drop kids at school. My husband is in finance and cannot pick kids up. When he moves jobs I am going to be flexible (ie leave my job) for a few years until our kids are old enough to enjoy wrap around care or have independent play dates. I think he can pull his weight without a toxic work culture…. But that’s part of a discussion of hopes/dreams/ reality of your personal situation.

My only advice would be to think about this very carefully, and make your mind up on whether this is a big issue for you or not.
I don't think it's really about you and your job, being ambitious "in theory" at uni is very different to the reality of the workplace. Your partner is entitled to change his mind and want a different lifestyle.

If this is a deal-breaker for you then you might be compatible anymore.
I'm saying this because my sister is now married with 4 children, to someone who isn't ambitious enough for her liking... It's creating so much frustration and resentment on both sides! It's very sad to see to be honest ...

I think he is being unreasonable to stay in a job he hates as I think you should enjoy work, Being well paid is great but being in a job you love is also really important.
I think your unreasonable to expect him to follow your path or even earn the same as you but I would also find the him expressing how much he hates his job and not doing anything about it really frustrating.

Edited to say though I did actually ditch an ex about a month after he walked out of his job. We literally had nothing to talk about other than what he had made for dinner. He also dropped hints about me supporting him and it was just a no from me.

Just bear in mind @symboo that 'looking after' him will include paying for everything and doing all of the domestic work.
He will feel that this is right and fair because you need to compensate him for the damage that you have done to his ego by earning more than him.
He won't want to subordinate himself to you by doing 'women's work'. Instead he will become the owner of the golden goose, in other words you will be working for him and he will still consider himself to be the head of the household.

But she wants to work and earn the big bucks. If that was to change then obviously they would need to have a conversation.

Sounds like he wants to get to live the life of a very hard working career person without having to put in the hard work, by dating one instead.

I see red flags, because if you choose to have children with him in future, that can have a dramatically different impact on you than your partner. Once you have a child you might want to be able to concentrate on your baby and your recovery from pregnancy and birth, safe in the knowledge you have a partner who works as hard as you always have so that you can continue to live the lifestyle that you deserve from all of your long hours.

I understand how you feel but actually having a partner who can be around home more would very immensely beneficial if and when you do have children. My DH has always worked in his family company. When we met it felt the world was his oyster - the business might have developed in all sorts of ways. It never really has - though overtime products have been added and dropped, contracts have come and gone. It went through a really low period but then restabilised. Recently Trump hasn't exactly been helpful!

So I've always earned more and I used to resent that a bit but at the same time, there was never a time when the business was set to fail, and though he considered it, he never moved on to take a job elsewhere.

Initially he worked ourside the home but now runs the business from home which means that for a lot of their childhood, he was around for our kids - we still used childcare when they were younger, but it was really helpful for him to be around during their teen years when they still needed some support or to be taken to appointments etc.

Not saying your DH's attitude is right or that you need to stay with him if he doesn't step up. Just to give another perspective.

Guess it depends on your definition of relying... WE rely on the money his earns, and the family home that I provide.

We have a comfortable life, but I have helped enable that by allowing him to work when he needs, and bring up two successful DD's.

The poster said she found people rely on others financially as unattractive...

My DH and I are a partnership, we bring different things to our marriage fo 20 years. I have been a SAHM but have worked very hard to provide a home and bring up our children, and enabled him to work the hours necessary to build his career.

We have a comfortable life because both our commitment, I don't depend on 'his' money, because it's 'our' money...

DH and I are very similar to this. We met at work when at the same level career wise, I've been much more ambitious and I out earn him almost 3 times now. At one point it started to really annoy me that he got to be all about work life balance, whereas I was stressed and always thinking about work. Turned out the problem was with how toxic my job had become. I changed companies and now we're both happy again, the problem was never him (or any perceived lack of ambition).

That said, he picks up the slack at home, does the majority of the thinking and running around after DC etc. I wouldn't be able to just piss off to work in the morning (in my clean clothes that just magically apear in the wardrobe) before everyone's awake if he wasn't taking care of things.

If you think less of him (and it does appear that contempt is starting) because of this, do him the favour of ending the relationship sooner rather than later.

It really comes across that your positive regard for him is highly dependent on his earnings. It is interesting that it seems not to have occurred to you that he has lost his confidence a bit, and your obvious disappointment at his lower earnings is only going to make it worse.

It doesn’t come across as if you like him very much, and that you love the Idea of Him from university days rather than the actual person he is.
You want more money, and he deserves better.

Ambitions in our early 20's are very different to the realities of the long-haul grind of working life.
If you are considering starting a family the 'stay at home' dad scenario could work really well for you.
My friend did this and it allowed her to have a fantastic career whilst her husband took care of their domestic life.

I'm not sure it's a bad thing for him if she leaves, really.

They'd be a bit screwed without her earning potential though, if he wants to give up work.

He probably doesn't need her leaving him because she's no longer attracted to him either. He has changed and she doesn't find his lack of motivation attractive.

This ^

There is so much more to life than money. You both have well paying jobs, you're in no way in poverty.

It's not "stagnating" to realise you're actually quite happy in the job you're in and don't want to move to the next step just yet.

Suggesting "career guidance" is so patronising - he's a grown adult who knows his own mind. He doesn't need his partner pushing and pressuring him to go and and earn more for her own happiness.

I mean you shouldn't really love someone because of their earning potential. As long as he's working and contributing to home life and is a good and loving partner and you can afford to live comfortably then I can't really see the issue. If you have kids and he wants to stay at home and you can afford it then more power to him. Being at home with a baby/toddler is harder than most jobs. I couldn't wait to get back to work after maternity leave.

I agree. But she'd pointed out he hates his job. It was a stepping stone to something else. So it isn't direction if it was a temporary stage which he is now stagnating in.

It sounds to me like he's just lost his direction. Given that they don't sound short of money, I'd maybe look into suggesting some kind of career guidance.

That’s exactly what I am saying. We are in agreement. My comment was in response to another poster criticising my view.

But you can have drive, ambition and direction without caring about progressing at work.

It's not about money. It's about having drive, ambition, a direction for life. Not just settling for the minimum. It would be equally unattractive in someone from a wealthy family.

Two people who settle for a basic life are compatible. One who wants less and one who is focused and 'out there', working towards something are just not compatible. She said at the beginning they were both like this. He's dropped off a cliff.

Then you imagine wrong, it is important to me a partner pulls their weight financially, I am not going to work to provide for another adult to coast or stay at home. I now outearn my husband, we proportionally pay into the joint account so I pay in more than double him as I earn more than double, but he is a high earner in his own right and a grafter. Had he coasted or said he wanted me to pay for him I’d have been a hell no and rhe attraction would have died,

I think that what has happened for you is that he has changed. He is no longer driven and focused. So it isn't necessarily about the money, it's about you no longer having that in common.

I would advise not thinking of starting a family until you are happy with the situation (either coming to terms with his lack of ambition, helping him redirect himself to regain that previous drive and vision he had) because once you have children, it will be a LOT harder to resolve things.

Speaking personally, I would find his settling for much less than his potential deeply unattractive. There is nothing sexy about someone wanting to be a dependent. Sounds like he could be a cocklodger in the making to me. Urgh.