AIBU to ask about alcoholic sister coming home and family gatherings.

Really sorry to hear about your DM's diagnosis. The last thing you need is to be worrying about the chaos that your Sister might cause. It is great that you are not afraid to stand up to her. There is some great advice here and I hope you manage to have a great time with the people who matter.

Regardless of the party, it might be worth making her presence at your / DP's house dependent on whether she is able to secure a local Sponsor to help her through the harder days (and relieve the burden from you and your DPs)

Oh I’m sorry to hear that.

I can understand why she wants your DSis there now too. Maybe, arrange with another family member to be on babysitting duty and take her home before getting rowdy.

But they do want her there, and someone needs to be responsible for making sure she leaves. So it kinda makes sense for them to do it. If they don’t want to do that, then she stays away.

Is she coming alone? Why is she leaving Ireland?

It's your aunts birthday, and it's a celebration. Your dm is ill, but wants to go.

Tell your sister there will be alcohol, but she doesn't have to come. She can't dictate lives. The party is not for her.

Are there any relatives you can prime to take her home if she gets drunk?

And you aren't responsible, it's not your fault - she is still blaming others or she wouldn't fuss about someone having a glass of sherry.

Good on you. This is why they teach you at Al Anon - they literally need to wake up in their own piss and shit - because if you had intervened she would have woken up clean and fresh as a daisy in a warm bed and assumed she had got herself there.

And you are 100% correct that children shouldn’t be exposed to this.

What is your problem with not inviting her? You could have a boundary that you are unable to have her around your DCs / in your home - until she has demonstrated that she has been sober for 6 months?

How would the rest of the family respond to such a boundary - would your aunt / parents back you - or leave you to carry the can alone??

I would let her attend the party to keep mum and dad happy BUT with the agreement that if DSis is drinking that mum + dad call an uber and take her home after an hour. She gets her fun, then leaves before causing a scene.

You are 100% right to protect your kids from this.

It's very frightening for them to be exposed to that.

Are you open with your aunt / extended family / other guests about her issues? Could you give everyone a heads up - and ask for support? Don’t get derailed by shame - loads of families are wrestling with a family member with addiction issues - don’t try to hide or manage it.

Sunlight is the best disinfectant. Do your parents want it swept under the carpet?

I agree that changing the location to somewhere public where you have agency and control as to when you want to leave would be an option?

Honestly....

Either

1. do not host (so this shambolic mess isn't unfolding in your own home amd you can actually leave when it all starts to unfurl)

Or

2.Tell your sister she cannot come

You'll prob get talked into saying she can come for an hour 12-1 stay sober and leave.
She wont it'll be a mess.
Even in the unlikely event she stays sober ror the hour....there will be tension and a bad vibe in the air

Why has she decided to leave Ireland? Has she lost her job?

My sister completely ruined my Dad's 60th (meal in a restaurant) by turning up late, with some random new boyfriend random person, sloshed and either going outside for a cigarette every five minutes or to the toilet for... well not a wee. It was a horrible night, I still think about it once in a while, but at least it wasn't at my house.

I totally sympathise, I really do. But putting restrictions on people doesn't work. The nature of addiction is that selfishness comes to the forefront as almost a cloaking device. It hides their individual impact on others (from themselves).
Is she the one dictating that others cannot drink? That's weird and highly unrealistic.

I think you just need a plan for all of the scenarios... which is exhausting I know. But, to be clear:

• can't be drunk around the kids
• can't spoil the event for others by being too noisy/confrontational
• what time everyone has to go home (and how they get home)

I would go so far as starting the event an hour early and not telling her the earlier time so that you get a bit of peace together first. I sympathise from the bottom of my heart. 20 years later my sister and I barely talk. I have nothing to say to her and she is not remotely apologetic for all the shit she has done.

Have you had any help for you and your DPs? Such as Al Anon?

They help you understand that you didn’t cause it, can’t control it and can’t cure it.

What you are doing here is trying to control it. That’s exhausting, impossible and counterproductive.

You will be the person who suffers when this all backfires.

How would it feel to ‘detach with love’ - to ‘drop the rope’ to not get in her way?

Do you need to get involved - to hide the family shame etc?

What would it be like to step right back - just carry on your plans. If she gets shit faced - that’s on her - how would it feel letting someone else step in - or let the natural consequences come to fruition? If she falls, makes a fool of herself - then maybe that’s one step closer to rock bottom for her without you micromanaging a safety net?

Or equally have a clear boundary - your home, your rules, your the host etc can invite who you like.

I can see how out of control you feel in this unmanageable and frustrating situation - would you look at the big picture and where you should be choosing to put your energy and be supported with that by Al Anon etc?

We are having a little gathering at my house

Is the gathering for your aunt's
Birthday? I'd speak to your aunt and say you don't want it at your house as you won't be able to leave when she's pissed.

There is really no point trying to stop her drinking the alcohol you’ve provided for everyone else, and she’ll likely bring her own or already be pissed anyway. I’m sorry to say that’s just not a solution.

I’m really sad for you, having an addict in the family is so hard.

I would do everything I could not to upset my parents through. They must be so desperately worried about her and hopeful this move might make a difference. I’d suck it up

and maybe, mad as it sounds book a few therapy sessions with the specific aim of learning coping methods for this event and future ones she’s present at

Ah ok!

Very difficult but no, I don't think you can refuse to serve her when others are drinking, it just won't work. Either you make the occasion dry (wouldn't be an issue for me, but I appreciate families differ and you don't feel like doing her a favour) or you ask her not to come.

I think it would be fair to draw a firm boundary about the children - she cannot be around them drunk, and if she turns up after drinking she will be asked to leave.