I hate this

If you're self-harming you need to be on antidepressants imo, unless you already are. However annoying your mum is, this is quite an extreme reaction. Sorry you're having a tough time though x

I presume your DH is part of the community too? If so what is his view about how your mum treats yoi? Does he have your back emotionally?

If she just turned up randomly can you fabricate some weekend commitment to get rid of her?

Until.people break away from.this mass bullying....because that is what it is....then things wont change. People need to cut out this crap in great numbers. See it for the crap it is......people wanting their own way and manipulating others in order to get it all under the fake umbrella of ' culture'. . Enough !!

I can imagine that for a person who was raised in an insular community that it might seem impossible to survive with absolutely no contact from the members of that community. As you say "you don't have much, but you have this" but you can survive without these people. You could flourish without them. You can build your own wider relationships, your own community. Your mum is harmful to you and your wider community has not protected you. What purpose does that community serve? They're not the fairytale of the 'village' that looks after the children and supports those actively parenting. Your mum let you down badly and your community has let you both down by not helping her do better and not protecting you when she was and still is abusive.

You say you married someone who you shouldn't have... Someone outside of the community? Was there a part of you trying to break free? Why not fully draw your lines now? Protect your DC from seeing their mum in emotional pain, caused by their grandma. You can build something for yourself that's separate.

Ok, so if cutting her off definitely isn’t an option, then it’s even more crucial that you learn how to stand up to her and remove her ability to make you feel awful. If you -and your children - are in this for the long haul, then you all need the skills to recognise and manage her behaviour so you can be happy and healthy. Is counselling an option for you? You need to unpick all the buttons she presses and your own habitual reactions, so you can be more intentional in the way you deal with her.

Could you just say something like “Ok then Mum” every time, and change the subject or get up?

Oh no 🫠

Go to YouTube and look up Narcissistic abuse. Relentless criticism is narcissism usually. Honestly it will help you understand and hopefully stop self harming.

I moved to a city far away from my parents and the physical distance has done wonders for my mental health. Can you at some point do the same?

I imagine it's difficult to look at things objectively when you're in the middle of it and trying to survive.

I'd be thinking about whether you're absolutely certain that it isn't worth taking the risk of losing the community to be free of this treatment for the rest of your and your baby's life? Because you know she'll probably emotionally abuse your baby when they are older too, right?

The older I get, the more I think I'd rather be alone than with people who treat me badly. When you're free, you can build new connections, when your self-esteem isn't being constantly eroded.

You don't deserve to be treated badly.

Tbh if she ever just randomly turns up again I would be tempted to say ‘oh we’ve booked to stay with friends for 2 nights leaving in an hour! Just got to pack the car. Or ooo we are having a mini break at a posh hotel, leaving shortly!’

pack a fake bag, get in the car and then go out for a bit. Watch on your ring door bell and only come back when they’ve gone. That’s my plan with my in laws next time they turn up uninvited when my husband is on a work trip. Hah

Just seen you can't go NC. Can you take anti depressants or have a therapist ? May help with the urge to self harm. I'm 300 days clean and coincidentally I cut my mum off just over a year ago.

Hey I'm so sorry I empathise completely. I went full no contact last December because I couldn't cope anymore. She was affecting my MH too much and making me want to self harm again. You HAVE to do what's best for u and baby, fuck her and her feelings.

Ok, then practically you can choose who you give your power to. And you are giving it to her. You are reacting to what she says. Let it bounce off you. She is a damaged, toxic person that communicates in criticism and I imagine lectures rather than converses. When is she leaving and what can you look forward to doing the second she leaves?

Can you go out for a bit. Say you need to go to the supermarket and instead go to a coffee shop and have a breather.

can you agree to only meet her outside from now on eg a coffee (so it’s time limited to an hour or so). It’s the length of time with toxic people that’s so hard and when they are in your personal space

Solidarity, my DM is staying too and has a million ways of being critical or negative. She often presents it as positive but there’s usually an implied criticism such as saying’oh Waitrose, lovely, well lovely for those who can afford it.’

I love her but can’t manage long or very often!

Seriosly, please don’t harm yourself. You have a safe space here to vent and get plenty of support. 💕

Why community is it? I’m sorry to say, but if they will cut you off fully, sounds a bit cultish.