To feel sad I dont have husband

Has any of this helped OP? Obviously you're not going to 'get over' your feelings just from a simple MN thread, but there are people on here who have genuinely got passed these feelings and learned to appreciate the happy, fulfilling lives they have.

Do you at least believe that it's possible?

I didn't vote, but @cetaphilgirl I think I would feel the same. I hope this comes across the way I mean it. There's a lot of pressure on women to get married and have kids. I'd have felt "unworthy" if I didn't get "picked" by a man. BUT:

1. I know this is misogynistic crap.
2. It hasn't cured the issues I had before I married. I still feel inadequate and unlovable and still don't trust anyone and etc etc etc. I'm married to a lovely, kind, handsome, clever man who tells me all the time that he loves me, but at the end of the day, you're still just you, with all your demons.

I have no advice on how to get past how you're feeling, but I do understand and, fwiw, marriage and kids is unlikely to fill whatever lack you're feeling.

I'm single, albeit divorced. A single friend of mine said that it makes a difference in perception. I've "been there and bought the tee-shirt" so to speak.

I suspect she's right. Given the choice of being single and re-marrying, I have taken every opportunity to remain single.

Like you, I travel a lot and so I understand the "yearn". Life is set up for couples. As a solo, I can feel very outnumbered at times.

On the other hand, I think we women were sold a lie - just like the filtered picture of a bucket list tourist destination. From the moment girls are born, it's assumed we'll marry and live happily ever after. It's so ingrained as a trope in popular culture.

Worse, historically women who do not marry were treated with scorn, and that hangover runs and runs.

Whenever those head monkeys pipe up, I find reading witty quotes by women who defied the convention a surprising antidote to it all.

Here's some Victorian ones..

NOT MARRIED:

BECAUSE men, like three-cornered tarts, are deceitful. They are very pleasing to the eye, but on closer acquaintanceship prove hollow and stale, consisting chiefly of puff, with a minimum of sweetness, and an unconquerable propensity to disagree with one.

BECAUSE I do not care to enlarge my menagerie of pets, and I find the animal man less docile than a dog, less affectionate than a cat, and less amusing than a monkey.

BECAUSE I have other professions open to me in which the hours are shorter, the work more agreeable, and the pay possibly better.

YANBU to feel as you do.

Maybe you can stop feeling this way. When my life took a swerve that I could do nothing about I suddenly realised I could mourn the life I had expected or make the absolute most of and love the life I had.

Also, there's no reason to assume it cannot happen. A friend of mine married for the first time at 55. They are blissfully happy 15 years on. Total soulmates.

Hi @cetaphilgirl
I can relate and I feel for you.
I divorced at 35 as had a disastrous marriage and have never really found anyone since. I'm now much older.
i think some of meeting the right person is luck and it does happen late in life for some people.

You may benefit from anti depressants / they may lift your mood?
OR 5HTP tablets - I think they help me.
Also gratitude meditation every morning - visualising the good things and how the wrong person could wreck this equilibrium as we see in so many threads.

There are also examples of many people - incredibly beautiful and famous and seemingly kind (Jennifer Anniston for one) who just don't meet the right one. And then others who do. I genuinely think it's a bit of a lottery.

Finally I just want to say well done for being in such a good place with work and friends and general living. You are doing brilliantly and you are still young. I got pregnant at 39 for the first time (single mum and although I was happier when DD was little - it's been bloody tough more recently and not a recommendation)

But my point is the joy of life is you just don't know what will happen xx

When I was a teenager in the 90s I was shy, awkward and a bit repressed tbh, and my influence at the time were melodramas and romcoms which skewed my ideas of the standards I should expect in a partner. I chose badly, suffered for it, and now with hindsight I have much higher expectations (though I'm not actively dating now I'm approaching 50).

I think the modern influence on women and their romantic expectations comes from TV and film still, but with the added pressure from the internet and social media.

If there is one thing I have learnt over the past 25 years, it's that it's not a "one size fits all" life that we are all expected to adhere to. The right person just hasn't crossed paths with you yet. You have a good life, so find ways to really appreciate what you have. Spend time with friends, keep traveling, keep seeing family, still build that career. Focus on those.

I don't think you're unreasonable at all, I don't think we were built to be alone.

I met my Husband at 27, I'm now 39 and he is without doubt the best thing that has ever happened to me and I love being married. I think if I wasnt I'd feel just like you do.

It’s natural and biology to want a mate. Your feelings are valid.

@cetaphilgirl - how are you feeling about this today?

Absolutely agree.

And if I may be a little controversial (perhaps) it's perfectly possible to be fulfilled and feel sad or discombobulated or angry.

Feeling fulfilled is about me. And everything i am and everything i create etc

But , for me, its not possible to be fulfilled by the presence of someone else. However much we want to be, or however nice a person they are

I think your feelings are valid. I think the only way you can get out of that feeling is

1. doing something about it
2. feeling it and journaling and zoning in on that feeling until it passes - whilst staying content with your life choices

I think if you are at a place where you have everything you need career wise and financially, then take steps to work towards a long term relationship. As you are dating, and meeting men (and if you meet bad ones along the way, they is part of the experience and should remind you that you are in a good place and really don’t need a man) hopefully it takes your mind off the feeling of sadness.

Whenever I felt that way, I would action it. I do that with everything. If I feel I’m not doing well in my career, then I figure out what I can do and I make a plan and action it. The same goes for the moments I’ve been single - BUT do not ignore gut feeling and red flags, and don’t rush into anything or act out of desperation.

I do think some of what you are feeling is biological, and the child free section of MN talks about these feelings. But you need to think about what you want. Is it the husband? The kids? Both? The aesthetic? The lifestyle? The company? And work towards it.

Because the OP says she’s unhappy, but then says she just wants to change her mindset and not feel as she does, rather than explore ways to try to get the thing whose lack she says is making her unhappy.

This is a great answer

It’s really tough OP. I have been single a long time. I think the issue is more societal expectations, often being the odd one out. Companionship would be good but the harder thing is the regular assumptions that everyone has a partner etc. Try to keep your chin up, build your other relationships. You are not less than, in fact you are strong

There are women out there in mutually harmonious, loving relationships, but I do think they’re in the minority.

From what I’ve seen, it’s women in happy loving equal relationships with children that seem to be in the minority. Most women seem to end up with one or the other. I’ve been happily married to a wonderful man for 35 years but we weren’t able to have children.

*In fact nothing at all can guarantee a happy and fulfilling life for me apart from:

me, my mindset, my outlook, my thoughts, my emotions, my choices*

This is such a good point but it does exclude that there are often normal periods of grief in being a person. External stuff can happen that no amount of rosy thinking can fix and maybe this is a period where the OP might need to do a bit of grieving and that is ok.

If you want help in understanding or changing your feelings then counselling might help you?

We are all different. I have been married twice and really am far happier single. I have been single since 2010 and am very happy in my own company.

It sounds like you want to feel like I do when I travel alone. I think “thank god I can just do whatever I want without having to compromise or deal with a partner’s issues”. I think it is a basic personality trait though.

I agree with PP, it’s probably better to acknowledge your feelings rather than try to quell them. They aren’t wrong or invalid.

If you really want a partner @cetaphilgirl you go out there and get yourself one. Make it a campaign or project, but keep your sense of humour and make sure you keep your bar high. Nothing good will come from making a choice out of desperation. Good luck. 💐

Husband and children are no guarantee of a happy and fulfilling life

Exactly.

In fact nothing at all can guarantee a happy and fulfilling life for me apart from:

me, my mindset, my outlook, my thoughts, my emotions, my choices

I hear you OP

Around 35, I had a great job, nice flat, plenty friends, good holidays etc. But i was v lonely and really wished for a husband and family

As it happened, I did meet someone and we have two children. But could easily have not turned out that way. And didn't, for some of my friends

My suggestion would be to make the best of the life you have eg appreciate that you can go on holiday in school term time. Develop and maintain strong female friendships. Focus on your health

Also, I'm mindful that for some of my friends who married young and seemed to have it all, life became harder later on. Quite a few of them are widowed, or divorced, or unhappily married, or have sick children etc. So, husband and children are no guarantee of a happy and fulfilling life

You couldn’t pay me to get married.
I genuinely couldn’t think of anything worse.

So far as if I see someone getting married or talking about it, I immediately feel sad for them even if they’re really happy.

I have been proposed to and I’ve ended the relationship over it as I am very clear about it.

I know people a similar age who’ve been married multiple times.
They get engaged literally after a few days.
Being married doesn’t mean anything.

What will you get out of being married?

If you want a relationship then you are going to have to put yourself out there more.

CJ?

Find something else to focus on.
Animal cruelty, Religion, Global warming etc etc.

Nobody can say YABU because you feel how you feel.

I agree with this. There are women out there in mutually harmonious, loving relationships, but I do think they’re in the minority. Or that they are perhaps in ignorant bliss.

No one knows what anyone other than themselves are capable of and the fact they are so happy could be bc their other half has a side piece (virtual or physical) who is keeping their need for sexual excitement tended to while their wife or partner sees to the ‘homely stuff’ and satisfies that part for them.

Men are masters at compartmentalising and I think few are 100% happy to remain physically/ emotionally devoted to a woman who gets fed up having to usually manage a household and children pretty much alone, naturally ages or god forbid bears their children, ‘ruining’, or at least changing her once desirable young body.

It’s natural to want what you don’t have, and to see other ppl in different situations than you who seem to be happier. But they’re usually not. What you witness are snippets of their lives where they may or may not be genuinely happy. Only they know the reality.

Needless to say never go by what their socials are telling you.

My advice is to embrace the things that wouldn’t be possible if you were tied to a relationship or responsible for children. Things that ppl who are would love to experience. Make the most of the happiness that is available to you and seek it out!

My friend met her partner during the month she turned 40, they have bought a house and she had a baby just before her 42nd birthday. There is still time for you.