Okay, I need to get blood works done for sure. Mum went through peri at a younger age than me and so did my sister. Ridiculous heavy periods, some sporadic night sweats etc. I can deal with all of that, no problem, would prefer not to but not the biggest worry. I will take recommendations for anything to say to my GP, private tests, therapy, supplements as long as they’re not the crazy kind etc.
But how do I stop myself from (pardon my French) not giving a fuck about anything? Or anyone actually? I haven’t lost interest in maintaining a healthy lifestyle or my appearance or work or the things I enjoy like cooking and reading (relevant I think in case anyone thinks I’m depressed) but I literally couldn’t give a shit about anyone and you can’t actually say that to anyone without sounding like the worlds most horrible person can you? I used to be described as sensitive, my whole life actually, my parents said I was sensitive and numerous partners have said the same. I used to have bags of empathy, a tear in my eye if I saw a homeless person and it was freezing outside etc.
Now, when my partner says he doesn’t feel well, in my head I say ‘I don’t care, you’re a complete twat and it serves you right.’ I mean he has been a complete twat so maybe not the best example. I have grown up children and young children and whilst I have more feelings for the younger ones it’s not how I felt when the older ones were little. When they have aches and pains I invariably think ‘ffs this is the third random pain you’ve had this week.’ I do what I know I am supposed to, comfort, seek medical assistance if necessary but it’s all just because I know I have to not because I actually have massive amounts of sympathy. I think the older ones are selfish and entitled and honestly I don’t care whether I see them or not, my attitude is very much that I’ve been a good Mum and if that wasn’t good enough then tough Iuck because I tried very, very hard. If you’re not bothered about making an effort for me then I will return the energy. Yesterday someone told me I had offended someone else that I’m in a sort of group with and I cannot tell you how much I just don’t care and it’s made me realise that I need to do something. Once upon a time I would have gone and spoken to them and apologised if I had offended them but now I just think ‘oh well, I’m not really keen on you anyway, it saves me talking to you.’
Now I know this isn’t normal. Did anyone else feel like this in peri menopause? How can I get back to how I was? Well not how I was but at least have more compassion. Or maybe just someone that actually cares about people again? I don’t want people to think I’m depressed though because of that lack of care because I’m almost certain it’s not depression.