Peri-menopause how not to be dead on the inside

I hit peri early thanks to primary ovarian failure and it was like a switch went off inside me from ‘over giving overthinker’ to ‘why don’t you all cock off’

apart from my family I couldn’t care less if I never saw anyone ever again. Just not interested

This. I have a few friends and I am only interested in seeing 2 of them. 1 of them lives absolutely miles away and we only ever text, the other is local but we are not in each others pockets and we meet up every 6 weeks .. perfect.

It sounds like emotional burnout from over caring for many years, life stressors, the demands on you, and the change in hormone levels probably contributes.

I think it's a bit compensatory. In the usual scheme of things, women care as both an emotion and an action. You're spent years caring for others and probably putting yourself last. You care deeply on an emotional level. You get to a point where the emotional well is empty because you've done all this caring yet who is doing the same for you? You can't draw from an empty well. You concentrate more on you and less on others as part of refilling that well for at least yourself, see those self care acts like eating healthy and activity.

Yeah, that’s great if all your children are older. My eldest is 23 but my youngest is 5. I had her when I was 41 as it seemed a great idea at the time (love her but you know what I mean).

I agree with this.

I increasingly don't give a fuck about my job (although I have to), but have less and less patience for corporate bullshit and the endless sycophancy and fake sunshine I'm required to display towards complete bellends all the time.

I don't give a shiny shite about what random men think about what I look like or the way I behave.

I no longer feel the need to be pretend nice to people who I know I will never be friends with or to hold back from telling people if they are being arseholes to me.

But I don't feel like this about my family and close friends. If anything I give more of a shit about them then I did pre menopause because the older you get the more you value close relationships with people you trust (as opposed to relationships of convenience or expediency). I certainly don't feel like that about my partner and daughter.

Are you sure this is purely down to perimenopause OP? I think sometimes people convince themselves something is "just hormones" when actually there's something more fundamental wrong. It doesn't sound like you like your partner very much?

I’ve also lost so much empathy. I used to be hugely empathetic, really sensitive, and that has deadened now. I didn’t know this was a menopause thing.

HRT to replace the oestrogen you’ll never get back. Game changer

Sounds normal to me. You give less fucks, it's one of the perks of menopause.

I think there are different types of not giving a fuck, or different things you don't give a fuck about. Not giving a fuck about a job you've been doing for 25+ years is quite healthy and wise. Not giving a fuck if you fall in front of a bus is probably going too far. It was DH who pointed this out to me, pushed me to the GP who upped my HRT.

Cured! I give a fuck about myself, DH and other immediate family, friends and my garden. Everything else has to submit to my somewhat harsh judgement.

TorroFerney

Yep. Men aren’t on here fretting about what they will buy their mother in law and being passive aggressive martyrs. And generally in terms of their place in the world men seem to be doing quite well.

Men are having breakdowns and mid life crises and being assholes. I wouldn’t take them as something to aspire to

Cate Blanchett puts it well...

In case the image doesn't show up: "Never pick a fight with a woman over 40. They're full of rage and sick of everyone's shit."

Myself sister and sil are all going through peri at the mo and we all just didn’t bother with each other. I wasn’t bothered then but now I’m finding it sad. We all just avoid everyone. Going to have to change

This thread is amazing. So nice to feel i’m not alone in these feelings. And the thing about people standing near to me- god yes back up!!!

I think this is pretty normal, actually. And I'm not sure there is anything you need to do. Your brain and body are finally aligned and are deciding to put you first, rather than you doing what is expected of women and putting everyone else and their needs first.

You need HRT to help you find the middle ground between the old you and the current you where you only give a fuck when it matters.

Yep. Men aren’t on here fretting about what they will buy their mother in law and being passive aggressive martyrs. And generally in terms of their place in the world men seem to be doing quite well.

your personality, empathetic helpful etc was normal for you that’s why it’s odd to you but that’s not a default normal.

I had those feelings too, I was so unlike myself. My children are older but I always worried about them, it was when I felt nothing much towards them I knew sonething was wrong. I feel so much better on HRT, more like my old self and definitely worrying about the kids again! I did go private as my Nhs GP was very dismissive as I was ‘only’ 44 and even though I had a list of symptoms as long as my arm and I was struggling massively it simply couldn’t be perimenopause as my periods were still regular. Private dr sat and listened, took bloods at the right time of the month and I felt better with just one tweak in my prescription (this will likely change over time)

You sound completely normal, OP. We all toughen up a bit as we get older - I guess it's just life experience - and thank goodness we do, because it's incredibly liberating. It doesn't necessarily mean that you need medication, it just means that you're not young and naive any more. No need to medicalise it.

Just to add, I can’t stand anyone near me in a supermarket or any other shop come to that. Plus, I don’t text anyone because I think I ought to, you know, “oh I better”. No. Not anymore. Fuck them.

@JerryTubs
See - you do still have some empathy (for strangers) !

Don't worry - my Dad was the best.

Maybe it really is just that you've been there before with the older kids and now you're just reactive rather than proactive?

One thing to remember - YOU'VE NOTICED. So you can choose which path you take now.🍫

I also could have written this, and it was the sudden realisation that I gave no fucks for my beautiful, kind DCs last summer that spurred me on to contact the GP. That and the behaviour of a friend toward me that sent me spiralling into some weird anxiety induced depression that I had never experienced in my life. There were days when I just didn’t want to be here anymore. HRT has helped a bit with the physical symptoms, and the anxiety, but I still don’t really care about anything and I hate that because that’s not who I am. I don’t want to be this ‘new’ me. I’m hoping they are going to tweak my levels when I have an appointment next week, as I want to be the loving caring kind person I was until I was 45.

Go on HRT. I went from being my happy, contented, kind and engaged self to waking up every morning thinking what is the point!

It is savage! Don’t take it personally. It is hormonal. I like a PP, lost 8 years.

On HRT for 3 years, now do give a damn and give thanks everyday because I remember the dark places peri menopause exposed me to.

You have a choice, you can stay in the don't care, murderous space of hormonal depletion or not and get your life back.

one way of looking at it is that it’s healthy to care less. Gives your kids a chance to grow up. Fussing over them in their 20s would drive them mad.

your husband - he’s a grown man. Have a line ready - ‘yep that’s your age’. Hell soon shut up

We get worn down mothering too, there is only so many years that you can go around in circles. Hopefully hrt improves your mental health but honestly I think a lot of us feel the same in the role of a constant carer for other people.
It leaves little motivation for self care.