to think expectations of grandfathers vs grandmothers are wildly uneven even among women?

Its not a grandparents whether male or female responsibility to BABYSIT or childmind their grandchildren. However spending time with them is different.

Some of the expectations arise because women already know their dads would opt out of parenting if they could (many did) and they’ve come to terms with that - it’s not a surprise that my dad “doesn’t like” kids birthday parties and doesn’t really want to come to his grandchildren’s. He didn’t come to any of his children’s parties so it’s not a big deal. But when a grandmother lets slip that she doesn’t much like kids parties either, it can be “disappointing” or even upsetting - perhaps she didn’t actually like doing your own parties! Perhaps she would have opted out of my parties like dad did if she thought she’d get away with it?! That can be more shocking or upsetting.

not in all families of course! But probably in some of those where women are “sad that DGM doesn’t want to play with her grandchildren” or whatever.

"Women are to blame for what men do"

Unfortunately too many men are not to be trusted with young children.

There are plenty of people who beleive a woman's solution purpose in life is raising children either their own or helping with grandchildren

And a grandfathers would have to be locked in doors with any children as anytime a man is seen with children there is the paedophile panic amd the grandfather cant walk past any other children

I can really resonate with this post.
Im recently divorced (4 yrs back after 36 yrs) and Im the first to be asked for ad hoc /extra days plus do 2 regular days each week. I work but flexibly as self employed and I enjoy the time with them but XH rarely helps or just does big Disney Grandad swooping in stuff occasionally.
However, I help out and enjoy time with them but I'm seen as the default one and there's an assumption that 'My Time' isn't important and can just be filled up with ad hoc helping.

I've only noticed that on here.
My dad did most of the grandchildren childcare in my family. My mum made their meals and my dad took them out on all sorts of wonderful adventures, played games with them, told them the most amazing bedtime stories, did the nursery/school drops offs and pick ups, taught them to ride their bikes, the list is endless! He was the best grandad.
I do think children benefit massively from spending time with different generations.

I agree. You chose to have children, so you look after them. They dont "owe" you elder care as a result any more than grandparents "owe" babysitting

No, caring for the children you brought into the world is below the bare minimum. It doesn't entitle you to elder care.

The fact that child and house stuff mostly still falls to women despite it now being the norm for them to work full time shows that men haven’t moved on much at all. I know there are many that are ‘better’ but generally women are not having it all they are pretty much doing it all.

However I think part of this is that many don’t expect their DP/DH to step up or they know they simply won’t. The easy option is their DM or DMIL, they know they will know what to do and are reliable. Many DGM are probably wondering why the DH isn’t stepping up but the ‘he earns more’ or ‘ has a big important job’ is trotted out. It’s difficult as a woman, knowing what you know about having children, to not support your daughter when you know in reality it will be her that suffers.

You mean these older men who refuse to engage with their families, called looking after their own kids "babysitting" & thought a full time job entitled them to an unpaid female domestic servant (who also had to have a paid job because he couldn't earn enough to properly provide)? Many of these men habitually engage in weaponised incompetence, can't control their tempers & genuinely believe they are owed a quiet life & respect. They've purposely made themselves completely unsuitable for caring (children or adults) because it's hard slog that they're unwilling to do. These men are finally starting to reap what they sow & it can't come soon enough. Leave them to their much deserved loneliness.

I went NC with my own dad after he hit my eldest. He's dead now, I have no regrets.

My dad was a bit clueless when mine were toddlers (though to be fair he used to work abroad for months at a time when DBro and I were toddlers so he doesn't have much experience to fall back on).

Now my youngest is 5 he will happily babysit if me and mum fancy going for a day out and DH is working. He makes the kids pasta and either let's them a lot of screen time or if it's nice weather gets the DC to help with the gardening. He's also taught DS1 to make a decent pasta sauce.

Doesn’t it boil down to what they are willing to do? My mother is very comfortable looking after my children, she engages with them, takes them out, organises activities and doesn’t see being with them as a chore.

My dad is very willing to help out but hasn’t got a clue. He will drive them places, turn on the tv, hand them sweets and might mange to chuck some freezer food in the oven. As other have pointed out, my mum did all the childraising (and was a teacher). My dad worked 14 hr days and often weekends too.

ergo, I’ll always ask mum first, then appeal to dad if no other options!

ummm you know that generations of me being useless isn’t my fault personally. You seem really passive aggressive and quite odd about this?

OK to answer your question more fully - if younger women pressure their mums and MILs to do childcare (and I've never seen this in my circles but I don't doubt it can happen), the younger woman is obviously unreasonable.

If grandads don't step up, the younger woman is not to blame, and op is BU to apportion some blame on them for being "passive" about that.

No, that's quite clearly not OK either. Such strange whataboutery.

Yanbu in somw ways but yabu in others.

the bar was so low then.
If they were crap at 30 how are they going to be great at 60/70.
There is no way I would have felt my babies were safe (like basic safety) with my DF or FIL.
Neither had a fucking clue.
Mil wasnt much better either as she didnt actually raise either of her children.

anecdotally If you compare how good you'd expect ypur db to be bs your DF id say you'd expect your DB to be better.

As a society we now expect more of men now and that it age related.

The bar is still pretty low for men imo.

I also dont know anyone in my circle "forcing" anyone to provide care but given the insane costs of childcare it wouldn't surprise me if there was pressure.

With 2 kids in childcare and no gov subsidy (over 100k) one day child care per week saves 800-950 net income per month, 2 days is the same as monthly mortgages for many.

I have zero help and pay approx 5k net per month. Its a lot of money...

Of course….

It’s because people, especially on here, assume every man is a pervert. Which is totally wrong.

I know. I blame the men.

It always puzzles me when I read posts going on about how grandmothers 'should' help with their dgcs when there doesn't seem to be the same expectations on grandfathers.
My dad, was the eldest in a large family and was expected to help with his younger siblings. Same applies to FIL. This was during WW2! When they became fathers, it was natural for them to help with their own dcs. Even to the extent of being present at the births - highly unusual in the 1850's and 1960's! For various reasons, they both had some care of their dcs for extended times and guess what? They coped. Because DH and I had seen our fathers taking on care of us and our siblings, it was normal for us that DH would do the same with our dc's. My DH probably changed as many nappies as I did, he fed them and cared for them when I worked. Our own D's is the same with his children. And, because I am still working but DH is retired, guess who does the bulk of the childcare for our dgcs whilst our ds and dil are at work? And has done since they were under six months old. Oldest dgc is now almost 8.
For me, I think it's about showing the example of a fully engaged father, and children growing up in a home where it is considered normal, not unusual or something to be 'grateful' for.

What should we be except "passive" if grandads don't step up with childcare? We should force them, like it's our fault? No, it's not our responsibility. It's the grandad's loss.

I think your POV on where lies the blame is very off.