DP’s son moving in

It feels wrong because it is wrong. This has been sprung on you with no discussion.

If you move in with him you’ll regret it and it’s much harder to move back out when you’ve bought a house together

I have a horrible feeling OP will not pull out of the sale sadly.

Actually that is not a healthy dynamic once children are adults the spouse should always come first in that case.

How did the discussion go @maximusss ?

The joys of getting with someone who already has children, they will always come before you, if that’s not what you want you shouldn’t be with them.

My DM said never move in with another man - always keep your space, then you have your freedom. There's no need to move in with anyone once you've had kids.

Once kids are involved - yours and his - it becomes a nightmare to move in together because you never know when they might just land - like this - for good! You always have time and space for your own kids - because - they're your OWN. But someone else's? No thanks. That's the honest, harsh truth and it's OK to say it out loud.

I really hope you've delayed OP. It's OK not to want to live with a messy young man that smokes weed and has a girlfriend staying over and all that comes with that....

Please consider pulling out of house purchase. Partner has told you that son moving in and will have x room. Totally reasonable he may want to have son living with him but should have been a discussion. Perhaps house rules discussed. He has made a big decision that impacts you. I doubt this will be the last.

Alarm bells should be ringing. Son already sounds messy. Probably get worse living at yours. Will partner pull him up on stuff. Has partner discussed what financial contribution son will be making? He has a job now but could change.

OP speaking as someone who has first hand experience of a man like this. DO NOT BUY THIS HOUSE. Currently you have your own house, and security. Once you sell that it is gone and you are stuck living with a man who doesn't feel you have a right to any input in decisions, and a messy weed smoking young adult who has no intention of tidying up his act or paying his way. There is no way you can dress this up to make it look like a positive move for you.

I am concerned that you are going to let this happen because you feel you should. You really shouldn't.

@maximusss Are you coming back?

Maybe a chat with the mum would be helpful @maximusss .

Find out exactly how her home has been treated and how she has been treated.
Might be useful to find out when the whole 'Mum I'm moving to dads new place' came about. How long she has known and who's idea it was.
Best of luck.

This!
You have to say something (a lot!) to your partner! Delay the exchange until things are clearer and then wither pull out or go ahead if you are one hundred percent happy and partner has apologised profusely for being so presumptuous and not discussing it with you before agreeing to his son moving in.
If you don;t do this, your partner will walk all over you about everything for ever.

I’d be uneasy too, first how it was told to you, rather than discussed, and second because I wouldn’t want anyone living with me who smokes weed.

I’d be suggesting that his son stays where he is for now, and he increases time spent at yours gradually. You have time to implement some rules then, such as the girlfriend staying, keeping the place tidy, no weed, that his laundry is his responsibility, what he has to do to pull his weight and how much board he pays. Maybe once he realises there will be rules (& you won’t be his housemaid) he may realise staying where he is isn’t so bad, or maybe he’ll actually be a lovely person to have living with you because you’ve all had a chat and he knows what’s expected.

I’d also be having a very honest chat with your partner about how things like this aren’t a done deal, and it’s only fair they should be discussed.

I've read the OP's posts and a couple of pages of others posts, and can't believe how the OP is being so laid back - I'd be seriously freaking out.

Before this conversation about the DSS moving in the OP believed she and her DP were buying a house together to which she would, presumably, have 100% access to all rooms. And now there's a third person moving in and one of the rooms (DSS bedroom) will be (I would imagine) off limits to her - and that isn't taking into account a fourth person (the DSS girlfriend) visiting.

The heck I would! Disrespectful of the DP to drop this bombshell in a vague comment. Nah. Serious conversation to be had before anything gets signed.

Can you explain the bedroom situation?

How many bedrooms, who has which one?

Who will make DSS do housework?

Have you said DSS’s girlfriend can’t stay over?

You seem very passive.

In a way, had she been consulted by her DP well ahead of time, she may very well have agreed to his son moving in (because after all she says she likes him) but it would not be long before she'd realise what a catastrophic mistake it was. This way, horrible timing though it is, has thrown everything into sharp focus for her and she has a chance to get out before it's too late.

Nope. No way. Your partner is sneaky and disrespectful, keeping the plans from you until almost the last minute!
Delay and if necessary, pull out of the deal altogether.

I don't think it's fair he made this decision of his own accord .
Your opinion and feelings matter and are valid.
Make it clear to him that he doesn't tell you what's happening he discusses it like a respectful grown man this is your house too x

by the sound of how the son is, all the replies to these questions are yes and no, he does not want to give rent or a timeline for moving out

how convenient, isnt it...a paying woman capable of buying half a house and someone expecting that a dirty, lousy, weed stinking smug just has the right to walk in, take off his shoes and the woman to be the servant of them both

You'd be walking into a world of mess ... knowingly.

Don't put your future at risk because you're too afraid to pull out. Think dispassionately. There's a reason why his mother doesn't want him living with her anymore.

I would absolutely have to pull out and withdraw from the move. He’s 19, how long will he expect to live with you? Will he bring random girls home regularly? Will he pay rent? Will he help clean and cook or contribute? This is the types of discussions that should have been had. Do not move!

Basically, you are buying a place to live and an uninvited person has decided to move in without asking you. Both your partner and his DS are being disrespectful. This is such a bad omen, I'd pull out of the whole deal. I hope you are managing to make your partner understand why what he has done is wrong.

Upthread, someone suggested that this wasn’t a last minute decesions by the son, but discussed between dad and son alot earlier. They knew op may not be onboard with the idea, so mentioned minute.

I honestly think you will regret this if you go-ahead. Pull out now. Stay in your own home. The issues with the son are red flags, as is the absence of any consultation. It will be awkward/painful temporarily but that is surely better than permanent problems with a messy weed smoking adult son plus girlfriend, neither of whom you'll be able to get rid of. You won't be able to joy your own home. If you put your foot down and say the house purchase is off unless dp agrees son isn't moving in, I suspect the decision will occur again once the ink is dry. I'd urge you to preserve your independence.

Maximusss
This is what he will always do; decide then tell you to do as he says
Why should you house his son?
Would he allow your daughter?
Not comfortable with this
It's leading to you doing as he's saying
And assumptive bullying starts benignly.........