DP’s son moving in

You are in a VERY STRONG POSITION at the moment.
To be zble to tell him that you are not happy with this development anf thd lack of duscussion, and that you Will Not Exchange.

So he wants to move in because his mother moans at him for being messy.

And you’re expected to say “hurrah, bring your mess here instead, we will roll over and let you live the life of Riley! Make a mess, smoke weed in the garden, have your gf over god knows how many nights a week”. It’s a no from me.

I'd reply, 'No problem. Just to make you aware, my Mum is moving in the week after". See how he likes no discussion about a big thing like that!

@maximusss Have you managed to have ‘the chat’ yet? No doubt dp has given you alot of reassurances. However, don’t listen. Postpone the house purchase. If dp is happy to live with his don, he can do so at his house. At least your house won’t stink of weed then.

This is a huge issue, he should have discussed it first. It sounds like your DP has told you at the last minute because he thinks you’ll just carry on with buying the house regardless.

If the DS’s own mum doesn’t want him living with her, I can’t imagine it’ll be any fun for you, either in the short-term, or the long-run (his DS will likely get comfortable with doing the bare minimum yet getting fed, watered and having a roof over his head).

I’d be tempted to pull out of the purchase and stay in my own house. DS can then live in the new house with his Dad, and see how that works out for the two of them.

Dear @maximusss , I do feel for you - we've been coming at you all day like a flock of harpies! 😆 You must feel it's a terrible onslaught... You poor thing, you've had a big and unpleasant shock from someone you trusted, just when you thought you were moving towards a new stability... your head must be in a whirl, and here we are on page 31, still ranting about it...

I don't think anyone here is angry at you - we're angry on your behalf at the dirty trick played on you - we're on your side. I hope you've been able to at least buy yourself some time to think and process this. Do you have a good friend or loving relative in real life who you can talk to?

Please look after yourself - the basics of enough water, food and sleep - take a deep breath, go for a walk. Do whatever makes you feel strongest and most comforted, and act from there.

Wishing the best possible outcome for you! 🤗

Something that needs discussing before you move in together. The fact it wasn't discussed is a huge red flag. Honest discussion with do needed op.

Exactly. And it's not just an entitled weed-smoking slob, it's an entitled weed-smoking slob and his girlfriend who stays over almost every night.

Something this big should absolutely be discussed and not presented to you as 'this is happening, just so you know'. If his own mother finds him so difficult to live with that she has to complain to the point that he wants to move out, I would hate to have him living with me!

I think he should have brought this up to you before but I also think he has every right to mive his son into his home too.

I disagree, I don't think it's as absolute as that. If the adult child is going to respect the house and its occupants then there should be at least a presumption, if not a right, in their favour.

But a weed smoking, freeloading slob should not be able to live there as of right. If the parent wants to say that despite everything they're their son/daughter and they still love them and want to help them, then there is a discussion to be had. It should be about not only the ground rules, but also how those rules are going to be enforced and the consequences of not following them. Something the DP has denied OP. Even that's not foolproof though. As some including me have suggested, it's easy to promise all the right things to get what the parent wants and then refuse to follow them when they've got it - their offspring in residence.

I 100% agree. You've been ambushed. You've been hoodwinked into buying a home for him and his son, when you though younwere buying one for you and your partner.
LTB

I think a pp said OP was lucky she found out before the sale went through..

But to me, this is just further evidence of the DP's underhanded behaviour... it's clear from the OP's post that she's feeling guilty and "but it's his son" about it all and the DP knowing that would be her first reaction could easily have discussed this in advance and charmed an agreement.

I think he deliberately withheld the information until the last minute exactly to give her zero time to think. because:

1. He thinks she won't have the guts to delay the sale.. and will just go through with it
2. He knows what the son is like but has given in to him. When the inevitable happens and OP complains he can say... "but if you didn't want him to move in you should have said something... you could have stopped the sale!"

result the DP is in the clear.
He gave her the chance (just) and now she's made her bed she will have to lie in it/ It's all her fault, she could have said no.
Masterclass in manipulation

😂

hi OP, I’ve read all your posts but not the whole thread

FWIW my husband has a child so I fully understand the dynamic of wanting to do the right thing by their relationship while also protecting yourself

Totally reasonable that you are stressed by this and wondering what to do. Buying a house is stressful enough on its own.

Remember you can totally go ahead with the house and discuss this later, if in your heart you trust your husband and you generally have good communication

its totally ok for you to be royally pissed off with the way he has presented this information to you. If he’s a decent bloke I imagine he might have been caught off guard and didn’t want to hesitate when his son asked if he could live with him so said yes straight away. Which I can kind of understand tbh (even though I would be equally as stressed as you if I was in your shoes - sharing your home with your partner and their child is no small thing). But it’s still ok for you to be mad. To make this set up work, and it’s not impossible, you will need to have a BIG chat with your husband about how he’s made you feel as well as many ongoing discussions about how things are going to work in your home with the three of you. If it’s ultimately not going to work for you, that is ok, you can give it a go and you can always move back out. Not ideal I know, just reminding you that you have options and you are not trapped.

sorry don’t know if this helps at all. Just trying to think what I might do in your shoes. I really feel for you.

I'd talk to your DP tonight and tell him his son cannot live with both of you as this was not agreed in advance and is a complete surprise to you.

His son was not living with his father during your relationship so there was no expectation that he would be living with both of you in your new home.

Starting a new life together with an adult child changes the whole dynamic and you need to reconsider what is in YOUR best interest.

His mother is fed up with him because he's not pulling his weight around the home. You'll be fed up with him in less than no time for the same reason.

The son smoking weed is another deal breaker on its own.
It's illegal and makes people paranoid over time.
I wouldn't accept anyone living in my home who did this.

It sounds like his son needs to move - into his own place - so he can grow up and become a responsible adult.

They both have a child. No discussion. Its 50% her house.

If he can pull this shit without talking to you first, what will be next?

If you agree, it has to be at least a 3 bedroom house with one bedroom allocated to his son and one to yours, no compromise on that.

It's your home afterall.. and having a third person move in without consulting you is a massive red flag... He's left it almost too late for you to do anything about it too. Almost, but not quite.
Pull out of the sale.
You don't even know how long this arrangement is for.
If he's off to uni and only staying there in the holidays that's one thing.. but permanently moving in without your consent is not on.

It's his son.. yes.. but why do you have to provide housing without even being asked. And when you say it's his son after all .. that sounds like you are echoing a phrase your DP has used to persuade you.

Once you buy that house with your DP. He will move in anyway and you will have to put up with it because it will be much harder to resell and rebuy your own place. And your DP knows you are too nice to protest much but it is a RED FLAG.

@maximusss where is your head at now? Did you contact your solicitor to put a hold on completion?

Absolutely okay for son to move in - he’s 19, not 30. But the issue is your dp not running it by you first. If you weren’t okay with it, then dp has the option to back out.

I think he should have brought this up to you before but I also think he has every right to mive his son into his home too. If your kids wanted to live with you I assume you'd say yes too.

I think the thing that sort of rankles me is that OP has a child of the same age who is currently at Uni, so currently a 'holidays only' resident of this house, but a 'resident' nonetheless. And that if this child isn't able to get a flat right out of Uni OP seems to expect he/she would be living there until they could. On the face of things, that's treating each child differently. She is welcome, he is not.

Bottom line, was OP's child's living in the house (even part time) discussed and agreed upon together or was it just assumed by OP (and yes, possibly her DP) that this would be the case? Because if it was simply assumed by one or both of them, on the face of it I can see why the DP would think his son was welcome with no discussion, too.

I'm assuming here that OP's child is well behaved and 'tidy' so there would be a big difference in each child's 'impact' on the home. The issue of DP's child's behaviour and 'habits' at his mum's is another issue and certainly bears a serious discussion with rules set down and consequences known to him. And OP needs to make it clear that her partner will be responsible for any cleaning up after him and any 'enforcement.

In threads about stepparents having issues with their partner's kids moving in, it's stressed that the children have 'two homes', their mum's and their dad's, and that they should be welcome in either home. Seems to me it's not dissimilar here. If OP's adult child is made welcome, on the face of it, so should her partner's.

This is reason number 23049802384 why I never dated a man with children.

Back away . You are secure now. He does not consider you when making a big decision. He will not be a considerate person to live with. Keep your own home and dont ,dont ,dont buy a house together.

It really isn’t that black and white. Children (especially adult ones) really shouldn’t be put first at all times regardless of context, parents and stepparents do actually get a say in their own flipping lives as well. Particularly in scenarios that are unfair to one family member and/or enable adult children not to bother growing up, as would almost certainly be the case here judging by what we’ve told about this young man.

This scenario would do no one any favours. It isn’t reasonable to suggest a blanket ‘children come first at all times’ philosophy in a situation like this.

The attitude would annoy me. I also would not be tolerating messy by an adult or weed in my house or garden. So i would be telling my do what the none negotiable expectations and ground rules were.