DP’s son moving in

Also - just to add.
He doesn’t even have experience of living with his dad. Why haven’t they lived together before now?

Shouldn’t they establish that foundation - before adding you to the mix!

@maximusss what's going on? Are you going to bring us up to date?

What, and you don't think the boy's untidiness and weed habit have any bearing on the matter? And OP isn't saying he can't 'land' temporarily in a crisis. That's very different from a permanent living setup with someone who doesn't sound like he's learned how to adult yet.

Pull out. There will be other houses down the line if you choose to still buy together. If he didn't even raise the issue of another adult living in the house, then he isn't someone to be trusted to buy a house with. Let his son move in with him, and see how it goes for a few months. If they are both able to function like fully grown adults and clean the house, there are boundaries around the gf, the weed etc then have a re-think. I bet he won't move in with just his dad though, because that doesn't come with the maid and housekeeper package.

If you currently own your own home I would say stay where you are

it makes perfect sense to me that the dad is delighted for his son to live with him - he missed the opportunity when the son was growing up. It also makes sense why you wouldn’t be into it. If you buy a house with this man you are signing up to a lifetime relationship with the son. This is why blended families don’t work

Duplicate post.

You’re not being unreasonable to think you should have been consulted before this very big decision was made.

Yes it’s his son but not your son and if you are buying the house as equal partners why does one partner feel they can just invite someone else to live there without any discussion at all? It’s a big red flag that your partner doesn’t respect you. I would be rethinking the whole idea re buying a place together.

Agree!

Also. I wouldn't have a fucken weed smoker in my house, full stop- for a visit, let alone lodged there. He moves in, he'll be like shit on the proverbial blanket. Never to be dislodged

Don't be a mug

How are you going to own the house? If you proceed I hope it is as tenants in common, so your own children will receive your share if you die before your husband. Otherwise I can foresee the son moving in... you dying first... and the son just living there forever.

What else will you be "told" in the future though? What new carpet, new motor, holiday you are having? Lodger? That he has invited 10 in-laws for tea and you will be cooking for them?

I would NOT buy a house with this man.

Pull out now. Red flag here

I would pull out!
Your DP making an autonomous decision about a life changing event is a huge red flag.

Let him get away with it this one time and it won't be the last. He's controlling.

Sounds like two entitled men who expect their own way 🤷🏻‍♀️.

The way it’s been done would mean I’d pull out.

She probably had the absolute audacity to expect it to be a conversation where they agreed parameters though? Eg no weed.

I know it was unexpected but if your children are living with you both you must have known there was a chance he could at sometime, it would be alwayd a chance by having a relationship with someone with children even grown ones

I’d pull out immediately. Keep your own house and security. I’d probably ditch the DP too, especially after this.

I would pull out.
Stay in your own house.
Ditch the 'D'P.

Tell him that you dont like being disrespected or taken for granted by having bombshells dropped on you last minute with no discussion what so ever.

That his son who has decided to move in is NOT his sons or his descion to make nor his alone.

Tell him that you have made a decision NOT go through with the move as planned, so he and his son can get a place together for now.
In the mean time you wil be considering your relashionship with him.

You will be walked over by both of them if you go ahead and live with this man / son, once hes in you will not be able to get him out if his dad just makes decisions for you.

Think carefully do not buy together This is a big red flag showing you your future

Doesn’t your DC live with you anyway? - As they are just in the first year of Uni / surely they will have a room in your new house?

Your DP is being massively disrespectful to think he can just tell you this and you’ll accept it.

This lads own mum can’t stand living with him. This is going to be a disaster if you go ahead with the purchase and it sounds like you’re being set up to be paying for the privilege of being a maid to two men.

I think a lot of what’s been posted here is irrelevant. What matters is the way Dave has just dropped this on you four days before you are due to exchange, when there has been zero consultation or discussion.

For me, it would definitely be a case of putting the whole thing on hold so you can ask Dave why the f he is playing at and why he thinks it’s remotely acceptable. Ask him why he thinks your views don’t matter and why he thinks so little of you.

Well this is utter bollocks. There is zero equivalence between a very real wastrel 19-year-old who won't clean up after himself and disrespects the home his mother is generously providing for her adult son; and a hypothetical scenario where OP's daughter is in genuine need of temporary sanctuary through no fault of her own.

Why didn't this trigger a conversation AT THE TIME. Is this a pattern?
He just tells you something and you accept it?

I can sense that you are going to be passive and go ahead on Monday. Pretty sure this won't end well if you are too afraid to address it with him

I think you’re fine to say no, but if your own child wanted to move back into your shared home in the future due to domestic violence, relationship break-down, divorce, job loss and the myriad other reasons children return home over the course of a life-time, it should be a firm no from the OP’s DP as well. Make sure you have a list of homeless shelters to direct your child to. After all, what’s good for the goose is good for the gander.