DP’s son moving in

Yes, oh so wicked not to want weed smoking, mess, disrespect and general lack of consideration in her own home with no say in whether this takes place or not. 🙄

It sounds like your DC are still living at home. If that's the case, would you/do you tolerate them behaving like this? If so, you're not exactly setting them up for a future as functional adults, however you might like to judge others for expecting that by 19 a person should have learned some basic adulting and consideration for others.

@HappyFace2025 he stays once a week with his dad, and doesn’t have his own place. There was always the possibility he might have upped his time with dad, mum shouldn’t be default house.

The least people who come on here asking advice can do is take a few seconds to say thanks. They don't need to entertain us or bring us up to date. When you ask for assistance, get that assistance, then never acknowledge it, it's just rude.

She can do what she wants of course, it's her perogative. We can comment on that without needing updates or a blow by blow account of what's happening in her life. Or getting a scolding by seemingly morally superior fellow posters.

He has never moved in, to be moved out. RTFT.

@Imdunfer I would be discussing it before moving in with a partner as I would if I had a 19yo who was working but had not yet got their own house. In both those circumstances the 19yo hasn’t moved out

If you co owned your house with your partner would you move your DS in without discussing it?

Wow, just wow

I think if I were in her shoes, having read all these responses covering things that may not have even crossed my mind like what a twat my DP is, I would feel like a bomb has gone off in my life. The furthest thing from my mind would be posting another comment.

OP doesn’t owe us anything. She needn’t update us - this is terrible for her, remember. She’s not here for our entertainment.

While I 100% agree with the thread, it’s also worth remembering that DP has been blind-sided by this as well. He’s way out of line not pausing the sale himself, though.

OP you’re feeling that you’re unable to call him out on this because you’re own DC will be coming and going when you move in together, but this should still have been discussed with you first.

Despite feeling that he’s been surprised by this, I’d still pause the sale TODAY and plan a mighty long chat with him. Having the son move in full time is totally a different setup to having your own DC use your home as a base while they live their own lives. How do they feel about this man moving in?

Also, it’s so disrespectful to dismiss the other Mum has constantly “moaning” and having a go - I’d bet that there are some hefty and significant reasons why she’s unhappy. You are going to inherit a lazy, messy teenager - think of you cleaning his piss-stains off your toilet seat for starters, never mind the sticky smell of weed.

A word of caution - I know someone closely with this same situation and the son still lives with them aged 28. Smoking weed was recreational but is now so firmly entrenched that their only motivation is doing their work shift and returning home to get stoned. Zero help in the house, doesn’t contribute to cooking and cleaning. She tried not making his food but he instead started ordering deliveroos which arrive at all hours - they’ve been “saving for a deposit” ever since they arrived but I’m highly sceptical. Oh and the joint smoking down the garden lasted a few weeks until it became “too cold/too wet” and “ I’ll smoke by my open window “ and now they just lay in bed gaming, getting stoned and drinking cans. Once a month, she has to go in and remove bags and bags of cans and filthy crockery and her home (which is beautiful) now stinks of weed and I no longer go there. It sticks to the walls worse than nicotine.

Her partner is hopelessly ineffective and my dear friend is stuck.

OP, pause the sale and have the talk. He should never have sprung this on you and should in fact have paused the sale himself. You are about to walk into a situation where you take on the other Mother’s problems and stress instead of upgrading your own life. No thanks.

If it was me, I’d 💯 pull out and live separately until his son gets his own place. Let Dad sort him out otherwise he’ll be YOUR problem. It’s the only way to protect yourself in my opinion.

Nothing from op since Friday morning? I hope she comes back and updates after the huge amount of replies and help she's received.

@ruethewhirl my DS is at university. If I was in a relationship with a new partner I would be putting DS ahead of this partner. I assume OP would put her DD before her partner

RTFT or at least the OPs comments before accusing her of being a wicked step mother.

The United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child (UNCRC) defines a child as everyone under 18 unless, "under the law applicable to the child, majority is attained earlier"

Where is the child in this scenario?

Of course it’s absolutely correct that the OP’s son should be made welcome as appropriate but this does not include 100% residence without consultation.

And let’s be clear, it sounds like the OP has accepted the ADULT son before this bombshell was sprung on her. What the OP’s partner should have done, of course, was first try and resolve things with his son and his ex, but then if this wasn’t possible discuss this reasonably and give the OP the clear option to maintain a separate home until things become more settled. Not present it as a fait accomplis. I can’t believe anyone would really argue with this.

Did you miss the bit where his own flesh and blood mother has had enough of his slovenly habits??? Nothing to do with wicked step mothers. He's an adult making choices about how he wants to live that many people would find unpleasant: more than reasonable for parents, step parents or landlords to say to a 19 yr old, no thanks, not here you don't.

He can't live in only his Dad's half of the house, can he?

Which bit of "it's the lack of any consultation about using her asset that's the issue" do you not understand?

The utter disrespect is no way to set up home together.

Yes and the father also owns it too. If she cant accept his child, then she should end it. A 19 year old often doesnt have the finances and education to live a nice life alone. My kids will live with me for as long as they need while they save for a home of their own.

The man is being a normal father by looking out for his son. Some wicked stepmother on here thats for sure.

There is only one kitchen, she owns half of that. There's only one downstairs loo, she owns half of that. There's only one lounge and if he's going to sit in it, she owns half of that. He's going to be walking in a hallway and landing that she owns half of. Unless there are two spare equal size bedrooms, or he has the smallest, she owns part of the bedroom he's going to sleep in. He's going to smoke weed in a garden she owns half of, and use a bathroom that she owns half of.

Have you got it yet? She will OWN a substantial part of the asset that he has invited his son to live in without consulting her.

I hope to gods she doesn't exchange tomorrow because it's no way to start a living together relationship.

So you wouldn't even discuss this with your partner? Heaven forbid 😩

He's not a kid. He's 19 years old and a working adult. The main issue is that the son stayed to his father that he was moving in with it being presented to the OP as a fait accomplie which you'd know if you RTFT.

Couldn't agree more!

There is not a kid in this story here. Only people who expect women to cook, clean, keep their mouth but also, heeeyyyy, forget about it, pay up

Hes his son and if he wants him.to move into his own home, then he can. It would go without saying that my son is always welcome in my home. Why did op get involved with this man if she cant accept his son. Stay single or go with a man without children if you cant bare the kid living with you.

Without any discussion? Really? A lazy, weed smoking kid whose own mother is sick of him. Yeah, right.

Not a weed smoking, messy, lazy arsed, manchild !

No, not when the house OP is buying into is half hers. Not without prior agreement.
DO NOT DO IT OP, he is controlling and feels you wont pull the plug now. Keep your own property.