DP’s son moving in

I'd be interested in why the son wants to move in with his dad now? Does he intend to pay rent if he is working?

visiting someone else home is no indicator of what sharing ownership of your house will be. His assumption that he can move his son in without discussion is a very good example.

in my case, circumstances meant we kept our own places (and enjoyed visiting) for ten years, during which we had never a cross word. Once we bought a house together and moved in, all sorts of other stresses appeared.

if you could benefit from my example, you would not go ahead with the joint purchase. Stay happy together in separate homes and enjoy visiting

“Snoken · Today 08:03
I think you always have to take into consideration that you might end up living with their child if you decide to live with someone who has a child. Not many 19 year olds live independently these days, unless they are away at uni, so it's not completely unexpected. A heads-up would have been great though but it doesn't sound like your partner got one either and he can't really tell his son that he isn't allowed to live with him. I think you need to tread a bit carefully with this one, if I was about to move in with a partner and he said my child wasn't allowed to live with us I'd reconsider the whole relationship.
You can of course pull out of the purchase, but also, his son might just be living at home for a year or two.”

For me, it’s this.

Being ok with living with someone's child is a different issue to having it dropped on you with no discussion right before you commit to a house purchase.

Huge red flag.

Pull out op**

You may feel you know that you and DP can live together ok. You have absolutely no idea how having his son living with you full time is going to change the dynamic.
As a joint property this should be a joint decision, made after having a proper discussion about it.
You need to seriously consider whether you want to be tied in to a situation you would appear to have zero control over.

That would be a hard no from me. DP doesn’t get to decide who moves in, neither does the son, without plenty of discussion beforehand. If I were starting out with a new partner I wouldn’t necessarily want his son moving in as it will change the dynamics entirely.The son is not a child but another adult and you don’t owe him a home. I would pull out of the purchase immediately as I would be so furious. It does not bode well for the future.

Firstly you are not being unreasonable to expect your stepson moving in to have been discussed at length. I would be very concerned that this is being dropped in at the last minute and I would go so far as to say this might be a deal breaker for me. Your DP must know this is a big deal for anyone and it does smack of his way or nothing?

Secondly on the practicality of anyone moving in this needs a lot of thought. Is he working? Will he pay rent? Will be contribute to household chores? Does he have a partner wil she or he be stopping? Is he tidy? What rules on house chores will exist?

Consider firstly if you want to move in at all with hour partner and secondly then if the stepsun movement can work. Do not at all be afraid to say no.

I think you always have to take into consideration that you might end up living with their child if you decide to live with someone who has a child. Not many 19 year olds live independently these days, unless they are away at uni, so it's not completely unexpected. A heads-up would have been great though but it doesn't sound like your partner got one either and he can't really tell his son that he isn't allowed to live with him. I think you need to tread a bit carefully with this one, if I was about to move in with a partner and he said my child wasn't allowed to live with us I'd reconsider the whole relationship.

You can of course pull out of the purchase, but also, his son might just be living at home for a year or two.

Why is there an issue with bedrooms? Presumably he needs one anyway if he stays over every week?

Oh no this isn't on to just casually drop in to conversation something as significant as this!

why is the boy moving back to his dads/planning on living with you both?
how long for?
what contribution (money/chores) towards the living costs?
hes 19 and doesnt already live with his DF, you had no reason to think he'd be joining you when you moved in together as joint owners.
i would be putting my foot down very hard as this is a shocking stealth move.
as a joint owner of the new property you absolutely have the right to say no to another adult family member joining you, he already has a home somewhere I assume.
yes I'd be concerned and would defer exchanging contracts until you've got this sorted.

Even if his son was still a child, this really should be discussed up front, not presented as a fait accompli. Unless said child already lived with him full time.

No way I'd accept this.

And it's your home after all!
Unbelievable that he did not discuss it with you.

🚩

no discussion would be a huge problem for me. The house is half yours. I think it points to problems down the road.

Agree. This is a very very bad sign actually, huge. This relationship isn't what you thought it was if he can unilaterally decide such a thing. It's a very bad idea to move in together and especially tying yourself to him by buying a house together.

Having an issue with his son moving in and having an issue with him not discussing it with you are two different things.

Had you discussed how expenses would be divided? Did you think it would be 50/50 and are now being expected to pick up half the tab for another adult you weren't expecting to be sharing a house with?

I think your partner is really unreasonable to think he can move his son in without discussing it with you and I would be very concerned that he will continue to make decisions affecting you without any discussion. I would not move in with someone who had so little regard for me.

I also wonder about how your partner treats you generally for you to be questioning your feelings about this. It's him, not you. If he often makes you feel like you're the problem you should not move in with this man.

Yanbu to say no or pull out of the move.
His son is an adult not a child and has no automatic right to move into what will be your home especially without even asking you.
I'd pull out because of the level of disrespect that you've been shown by your partner and his son and tge assumption that he can unilateral invite another adult to live with you.
Big fat no for me, I might have considered it if he'd asked but hes just told you like its a fait accomplish

If someone told me that my child was unwelcome as a young adult, I wouldn’t be moving in with them.

Having said that, I am hoping that my DC would have a plan for achieving independence once they reach their 20s. Is his DS working or in education? I agree this should have come up when you discussed what size of house you needed. I expect that DP has only recently found out too!

What are sons living arrangements now? It doesn’t matter whether you’re ok with it or not, it matters that your DP just drops that in without discussion. Did you talked about living decorating the new place and if he didn’t say anything about son’s room that’s poor form. You need call him out on that behaviour to allay your worries about what else he’s gonna drop in. Are you both planning children? Will there be space with DSS there?

That is not a trivial thing. Moving someone else into your home without discussion is unreasonable.
I'd not go ahead with the purchase. Stay in your own home.

This definitely should have been discussed and agreed. Also the son is an adult, so what is the arrangement for him contributing financially? Me and DH have already discussed how we would approach this if either his kids or mine want to do this in future when they are adults.
This is wrong OP and you need to stand your ground.

Definitely should of discussed it with you. At 19, is he working or studying? Is he going to be in the house 24/7 and you're expected to cook and clean up after him? Depends on that situation and are you 50/50 on the property? You could call it off if it's not. It would end your relationship but then you wouldn't be happy in your relationship anyway.

Nope pull out the house purchase. I think.sometimes comments like that are ott but this is one of those times were it isnt. Its a joint property who lives there is a joint discussion not a passing comment of a fate acompli